What a week

    Good morning everyone! How goes the battle today? That's kind of what it feels like these last few days. Monday, I went to the dentist on a emergency type appointment. I thought for sure I had some rotten teeth. I woke up with the whole right side of my face on absolute fire, monday morning. It turns out, I simply grind and grit my teeth, a lot. Huh, no idea! Thankfully its a quick fix. Get a bit and it should help. Then on Wednesday, boy oh boy, I caught this fricken cold and it feels like I ran into a brick wall. Since Wednesday, I have done nothing physically. The headache that has developed from the cold is holy out of this world. I have had no energy. I have tried to do some push ups, but, I just can not breath. There is just no gas in the tank right now. Every time I try to push forward on my motions, the headache gets worse and worse. So, I will try to wait this out. Finish reading the book I started. Drink lots and lots of teas and consume a ton amount of honey. Its a good thing I have pounds of the golden nectar of the gods.


   I have been having a hard time concentrating and even putting thoughts together. Frustrating. My sentences sound like I have a bag of marbles in my mouth. haha! It's okay. Maybe the lesson is, to be quiet and do more listening. Maybe! Maybe I need to slow down a touch and admire the flowers while they are still around. Maybe. I don't know. Maybe I am just sick.


  Sifu spread a good message in class this week. What is the value to what you are doing? Is everything simply motions or is there some girth behind your motions? I touched on this in my last blog. I was challenged again to look at my perspective. Is what I am doing in kung fu a sacrifice or an investment? Which category does my job fall into. So, I looked at those topics and other topics in my life as well with that same question. In some ways, my life has both sacrifices and investments, in all my actions. Just beginning to open the door on this topic, and yeah there is fear and confusion here. What if the truth is not what I want it to be. What if kung fu is more of a sacrifice than an investment? Then last night it hit me. If I am doing this for the right reasons, like a positive example for the boys, then I don't think it is a sacrifice. Honestly with kung fu, I am investing into mine and their futures. I am placing lessons right out in the open for them to grab onto. But then again, a sacrifice is giving up one thing to obtain another. Usually of positive growth and nature.  So, sacrifice is not always a bad thing. From how I read it, it is usually a very good thing. And investing into the future is always a good thing. Investing the time and energy, into kung fu, so that, hopefully, one day, I can have the opportunity to become a master in this art form. But, I do not know.
   
   I don't know nothing about nothing. The more I learn about life and living simply and being pure and clean, the more I realise, I know nothing. So, that's cool. I am very happy about realizing this. It honestly comes as a relief.


   Smoking has been winning the battle lately. Big time. Its weird or pathetic, how my mind can contort and twist my wants. I want to quit smoking because of all sorts of obvious reasons. I need to quit, to obtain a higher value to my kung fu. I feel I have reached a plateau. And I know the only way off this plateau, is to quit smoking. I know it, I feel it, but I am so scared to just quit. Kids do not start smoking. This is by far the worse thing, I have ever gone through. Man, I quit booze, crack, cocaine, dope, violence, but not a cigarette. I tell myself while fuelling up the cars, no smokes, no smokes. don't ask for smokes, release me from these cigarettes. Then I am at the register and there are smokes in front of me, and I am happily paying for them. Like this is awesome! This better than candy and lollipops and stuff! And, I know excatly what I am doing. It is not like I walk around with my eyes closed and cigarettes just happen to fall into my mouth, and just happen to lite themselves. Nobody is holding a gun to my head, except for myself. Oh I know, exactly what I am doing. What a loser. And of course, frustration has settled and anger follows.


   I know the anger is there. Even with this cold, my thoughts are clouded. I am acting very selfish, and "isisms" are screaming back at full speed. I do not want to be bothered. My time is becoming mine again. I do not want to share my time with people. Nor do I want to speak to anyone. Just writing this blog, is pissing me off. I am he desire


    Meditation failed terribly.  After a few times of not being able to clear my mind, the "I don't want to anymore" thought sinks in. Then all I see is the negative side of things. It is like I completely ig


There, right fricken there. I hit some damn buttons and a bunch of what I had written is gone. And I cant find the bring that stuff back button. Now, I am pissed, so I will talk to you later.


Thanks for your time.
Mr.Duncan

Perspective

   Well happy sunday to everyone today. Man I can not believe we have hit the half way mark of this remarkable journey that is I Ho Chuan. Looking back, boy, have I stepped outta that shell. It seems, I pulled a super Mario and stomped on the turtle shell and kicked it down the line. Never to be the same, always changing and growing. Is that not what is asked of us in this program? To fully expose ourselves. So we can truly feel the warmth feeling that is growth? I have laid it down for all to see. Used those old skeletons as a continuing building block to walk all over those scary little demons. The ups and downs. I realize are simply who I am. If I was always calm and cool, I just would not be who I am. With that being said, that is always the end goal. Calm and cool. I would like to play that game for ever. With time, I will get their.


   I stepped out of that box again last night and met up with Sifu. Looking for answers on perspective, and looking to pick others minds. I desire knowledge, not information. Knowledge can only be shared through words and actions. Information is all over the internet. Any one can obtain a state of informed, but not knowledge. Further opening up and exposing ourselves can be scary. But, if it is for the greater good, then just do it. Push fear outta the way and crush that conversation. Take everything you can from it. And grow. Never stop growing.


   I was confused by kung fu is here to serve me. I think I have an understanding on what that entails to me, now. I realise that, I will have to sacrifice, time with the family. I will have to sacrifice those precious moments in life, to obtain the standard of kung fu I wish to achieve. Will people become resentful and angry at me? Probably, but, as long as I keep the thought "Is this for the greater good?" at hand, then, have faith, it will be okay. I thought long and hard on that last night. As my family is very important to me. I had to ask myself, "Am I okay with sacrificing those things, for the greater good?" Boy that is a hard question to answer. My heart and soul says yes, I understand and I am cool with that. But the other side says, what about the kids. Some of these experiences, will never, ever come around again. and its gone, just like that. Poof! That ties right into my perspective. Last night, the conversation we had was wonderful and very enlightening. I do feel I understand how kung fu is here to serve me. Kung fu is here to use as a tool to become a better person, a more empathetic person. To show all what determination, hard work and sacrifice is all about. But those lessons do come at a cost. Family time is lost and could possibly be the cause for frustration for the family. But here it is. The practitioner's perspective. Questions to ask ourselves, when everything is imploding or when everything is going great. Am I setting my family up for success or failure? Are all these push ups, more than just....motions? Is what I am doing for the right reason, or is it truly selfish? Is this the legacy I wish to leave behind me? I believe, that if I answer yes to these questions, than it is the right thing to do. Keep pushing forward. That is what sacrificing is all about. Doing the right thing at the right time. No matter the consequences. Someone is always going to be upset or someone's feelings will always get hurt, but, think of the example we are setting. Each push up is all about becoming stronger today than yesterday. Not, just a motion so I can put a pen stroke on my paper. Each sacrifice is a lesson we are teaching our family. It is up to them to embrace that example we are setting.


   I have always felt a draw to the martial arts. Always have I wanted to be a master in the martial arts. Unfortunately, my journey took me away from martial arts and into a family setting. Man I remember telling my folks that I did not want to be ruled by the clock. I knew as a child, living by a made up thing, was silly. Now, experiencing that every day, I see just how silly it really is. I look at the animals and think, I wonder if that bird is in a rush to get down the road. Is that bird late for its appointment? Of course not. I look at the deer and watch them as they just chill out. No hurry to go anywhere except to the safety of the brush. We, humans are the only animal that feels the need to put undo stressors like, time and money and chase it meaninglessly around. I came into this world naked with nothing and that is how I will go out. With nothing, my possessions will not make a difference whether I die or not. Death is in my nature. So, why do I "need" all this "stuff." Because it has been ingrained in me, by society, corporations and people. My folks said you can not live without the clock, how will you become successful? You need to follow the clock to make money. The more money you make, the more stuff you can have. The more stuff you have, the more successful you are. What an absurd thought process. Like all feelings and emotions, success is an internal thing. I know when I have done well. I know when I have failed. But have I learnt the lesson? I feel real success is in growth. Can we grow from every single failure and build from there to an unmatched success, that only you can measure.


    Boy, I have a lot floating around upstairs today. That's good. Means I absorbed a lot from last nights get together. It was a great opportunity to learn from a master. Like I say if you want to grow, you have to throw yourself out there and embrace the teachings. Real quickly, I was in my little corner last night pondering the prior conversation and this came to me.
  Anything is possible, as long as I ask for help. Through my form, I have learnt that any move can be achieved. My part is asking for directions along the way. Realize people, places and things are in our paths for a reason. The reason is the lesson. Seize the lesson. The lesson becomes the opportunity. Seize the growth.


   Kung fu was pretty decent this week, considering I was at my little sisters all week. She lives in Saskatchewan with her family. A younger family than mine. I miss my nephews. I do not get to see them often enough, but, that is life. A phone call, will have to work, until our next meeting. I really tried to focus on the children's smiles. I realized that, when a child comes running up to you with this big old smile, they only want to share that smile with you. And if we do not recognize that, we actually steal that moment and that smile from that child and plant a seed of doubt into their hearts. Children are always in the moment. They are always here for right now. You can see the amazement in their eyes. We can all learn a lesson from children.


    But, that is it for today. My blog seems pretty sporadic, because my mind is racing today. So much knowledge to process. So much to sort out and make sense of. But it is a great thing. I will continue to grow from this. The lesson is being seized and the growth will come.


Thanks for your time
Mr.Duncan

Chi and Dragons

    Hey there everyone. How's your night. Its weird sitting at the computer on a Saturday night. Loser. haha. Just kidding!! I will be on the road to visit my baby sister tomorrow and thus, will have no time to write on sunday. So, this week was freaking spectacular! I had some real good conversations with some real fantastic people this week. From opening up to others and sharing the more intimate details of what has been transforming inside of me has really helped with the healing process. I still have some work that I want to do to myself. Like take another honest look at myself, just to make sure I have gotten the skeletons in my closet out and in the open. I have to be fearless and thorough. I have to show that to my demons. The ones that are hiding, in that corner over there, might scare me, but I have the power. They cannot take that power from me. Only I can give that power to them. The power of who is going to conquer who. And guess what, I ain't losing this time. I wont back down. I won't stop until I have exercised every demon in my mind. That will take time and love, but, I have the time and the love. So look out you scary little guy. Willie's going to step on your head!! 


   I really want to share this with everyone though. Last sunday afternoon, I was doing some combos then freestyle on the heavy bag. Rotating between the two. I was giving her on some freestyle when it happened. I could feel this warmth in my belly. A lot like chi in the belly after a great meditation session. And this feeling keeps growing and growing. Soon, I am not paying attention to the punches and kicks, but to the warmth in my belly. So, I am kind of freaked out. I mean it feels like chi, but its different. Its more powerful. Its cleaner, its way more awesome then before!! But, it scared me. The unknown, the new and not sure of what this is, scared me. I stopped and was like what is going on here. Never have I felt a sensation this strongly. Never! But, this feeling was starting to dissipate as I stopped training, so I took a moment, cleared my mind of what was in my belly and went back to the movements. And kablowey, my punches and kicks were, faster, stronger, more purposeful. This came and went for the last ten minutes of my training. And I had to stop. The last time it came it really scared me. Straight up, I was like what is going on? Seriously what is this. Good gracious me! So, I had to walk away. Later sunday night, like around 9:30ish, I go back to the heavy bag. I did not concentrate on anything but combinations. To my surprise, my hands were on fire. Not a painful feeling. But wonderful and warm. I could feel this up around half way up my forearms and all through my hands. It really seemed, my hands had a mind of their own. Like, I was directing traffic, but, they did what they wanted. It seemed I was a step behind my hands. My mind was thinking the first move and my hands were on the second movement.  This happened for, about thirty minutes or so, and I had to stop. It was over-whelming. Too much too fast.


   With that being said. I did, see the growth internally. I did welcome it, but, it was overwhelming. realizing that I can not do this on my own, I threw out an email to sifu. He assured me it was for the best. Do not stop or push these feeling away. It is positive growth. Accept it. Yeah, okay sifu, awesome. Monday, it still was on my mind, so I talked to another sifu, and what I thought would be a quick conversation, turned to a very intimate and detailed conversation, which I am exceptionally grateful for. That was an amazing conversation. and amazing results came flying out of that conversation. Awesome!!! I am so lucky to be involved with Silent River. What a place man, what a place.


    Also, this week, I have needed to fill my time with something other than abusing. Yes I know kung fu, but you know, with my mind racing I wanted to educated myself on a mystical creature that I have always had a love for. Dragons. I drew my first dragon around the age of 8. Since then, I have loved and revered them. I have drawn hundreds of all different sizes and types. The western dragon, doesn't quite work for me. I don't believe an animal with that kind of grace power and wisdom, would just destroy everything, just because. And I did not know much on the eastern dragons until this week. And holy cow, is there ever a lot to the dragon in Chinese culture. Wow. I leant a lot, but, realized, I don't know much about them. So, more research!! What I have learnt is good stuff. One dragon in particular, really stuck out to me. Now, my info is from the internet....so how true it is, I don't know. In any event. There is one of the nine dragon decedents/children, named Pi Xiu. He has the head of a dragon, the body of the horse, feet of a pigmy. (Not sure of the feet, please correct if I am wrong). Now the thing that struck me on this dragon in particular is what he represents. Is mouth is wide open to attract wealth from all directions for his owner, but his teeth are some of the largest of all the dragons. This is because he draws in evil spirits and drains their energies to create wealth. Not just cash flow. Wealth of the mind, body and spirit. Apparently, he is one of the most loyal dragons that are out there. As in, only his owner, or the home owner(s) are allowed to pet his back. If any one else does, he ruins their wealth and their luck. But do not stroke his face, for it is disastrous for any party to do such a thing. And the traditions and cleansing ceremonies needed to invite Pi Xiu into your home are really intense, from what I have read. That's awesome stuff, right there. I do not know how I stumbled upon that, but, I did. And I am glad I found that out. That's so cool.


   Kung fu was great this week. Some numbers down, slightly, but others were really high. Awesome. This week, was, just awesome to be a martial artist. There were too many events or things that happened, that, I can not ignore. The obvious signs keep whacking me in the face and, today, I know I am on the right path. This is the only path for me, right now. Who knows what will happen tomorrow. But today, I am in a good place with some great friends. And truly, that is all I care about.


   Finally, everyone who reached out and threw me a hey ya how ya doing. Thank you very much. I very much appreciate every ones words and thoughts. I knew, I wasn't alone, but everyone's actions, made that fact exceptionally apparent. You all rock!!


Okay everybody, I will talk to you later.
Have a nice week and see you soon
Mr.Duncan

Just another day

Hey team. Just a quick note this absolutely beautiful evening. Today was so far the worst day. And that is okay. It is only the beginning! I will keep  standing in the waist deep in muddy trenches with my arms held up in the air screaming bring it on. You have nothing on me today. I feel stronger today than I did yesterday. I don't feel like such a degenerate. How do I smash this addiction right outta the park? Well, continue being accountable. Continue to let everyone in. So, as much as I want to hide, and I want to hide, from everyone and everything. I can not. Today, all day, I fought upstairs. The alter-ego, my other self, whatever you want to call it. I am going to call it the hulk today. Because that's what it felt like. Even right now, I have this incredible urge to smash my computer desk through the wall. Make a perfect hole like in the cartoons. Go outside, grab the desk, smash it back through the wall. Go yell at my neighbor, for him being him. Bounce and scream down the street until the cops come, then start a war with the police. There were opportunities to re-ground and re-set my self. And I took full advantage of it. I would reset by taking three deep meaningful breathes, walk ten feet, and have to restart, again. Ahhh! Towards the end of the day, I wanted to not fight anymore. I wanted to just throw my hands up and say "I'm done!" But you know who came to mind? You guys. My teammates. The sifu's, the little guy in class with me, who really just had to tell me about his scooter Monday night. So, yes, I fought like hell today. And thus today was a victory. Small, but worth it. I am glad I continued to fight through the day.
   I wanted to share one more thing. Its  a song that, I have been listening to a lot. It helps.  Its called Cinderella Man by Eminem. Unfortunately I have to edit and can only put some of it on the blog because of swearing and the lyrics!!


(Amen!)
Yeah, haha
(Amen!)
Feels good,
(Amen!)
Whooo,
(Amen!)
Guess I'm lucky,
(Amen!)
Some of us don't get a second chance.
(Amen!)
But I ain't blowing this one.
(Amen!)
Naw man, ha
(Amen!)
 I feel like I can do anything now.

Who can catch lightning in a bottle? Set fire to water?
Comin' out the nozzle on the fire hose, flier than swatters?

 Smash an hourglass, grab the sand, take his hands and cup 'em,
Spit a rhyme to freeze the clock, take the hands of time and cuff 'em.

 There's a storm comin' that the weather man couldn't predict,
I start the bug prick, you better flee cause I get ticked
It's a rap, I was down, when I was down I was kicked.
I got up I'm back to punch ya to the ground, ya trick,

You can die in the blink of an eye, so bat ya eyelashes,
And keep winking and blowin' kisses 'cause you're flirting with death
I'm destroying your livelihood. I ain't just hurtin' your rep',
I catch a flow and get goin',
No remorse I'm showin', ain't slowin' for no one,
Knowin' there is nothin' you can do about it
Zeroin' on the target like a marksman,
The target is you.
I shut ya lane down,
Took ya spot, parked in it too,
Arsenic flow, lighter fluid, saliva what can ya do?
Go get ya crew to hype you up stand behind you like whoooo!

That boy's hot enough to melt Hell, burn Satan too:
Fry his bum, and put his ashes back together with glue,

Now guess who (hey),
Here's a clue (hey),
He came to the ball in a wife beater, lost his Nike shoe,
It's in ya bum (hey),
He's in ya bum, he's all up in your psyche too,
Now what's his name?

Forget catching lightnin'
He struck it
Screamed "Shut up!" at thunder,
And flipped the world upside down and made it rain upward

Cinderella man, Cinderella man, Cinderella man, Cinderella man.

Rewound the future to the present, paused it don't ask how,
 forget the past mother he's the stuff right now
He's

Cinderella man
Send the fellow Shady dane came to wrap the game up in cellophane,
Raise up from hell he came,
But didn't come to bore you with the Cinderella story,
Nor did he come to do the same,
Or can't afford to be a label in this day and age,
And at this stage of the game
Mediocrity can no longer be allowed to fly,
So say bye,
To the old H.I.
To the new, Que Sera
Consider it his last hurrah
Coup de grace
Raise 'em high in the sky,
Keep 'em up
Time to bring the place alive,
Thanks for being patient
I will make no more mistakes,
Shot my potato's baked,
Homie the veggies on my plate can fly,
You bet the stakes are high
 Man I ain't even suppose to be here
By the grace of God,
The skin on my teeth
And the hair on my chin I skated by,
Now y'all are on thin ice
With ankle weights I hate to lie,
How  irritated are you?
How much in your face am I?
And ain't nothin' you can do but fear it
Proof is here in spirit and
And I'm the spittin' image
I'll mirror it
When I stand near it,

Thanks for your time
Mr.Duncan

Starting Over

   Yo, how is it today?  Today, I am soaring up high and falling down low. Today I have been up since 9:30, slept right in today, but, already have had a few reminders of why its awesome to be sober. Why its so awesome to be a part of I Ho Chaun. Why life is so flippen amazing. I am truly blessed. But, with those wonderful thoughts and feelings, come the complete opposite side of the coin. I feel great, ready to smash today right outta the ball park.... and then the addictions kick in and try to bring me down. I looked at that emotion today as soon as I felt it trying to rob me of my happiness and smashed it in the face. Yelled at it get outta here. You are not welcome anymore. Then it got worse. I could feel the depression trying to weasel its way into my heart and spirit. Completely stealing any serenity I had for the morning.  I met a negative emotion with negativity. Thus, making things worse. So I pulled back. Reigned in the anger and embraced the negative with love. I told myself that it is okay. Lets stay straight for today. Lets stay straight for just this one hour, and will deal with eleven o clock when it comes. I told that side of me that I love it. I remember that without that side of me, I would not be who I am. Okay, pull back. read a chapter out of Peace is in every step. Okay. Lets go find a flower that has my smile and ask if I can have it back. That's right I talked to a flower and asked to borrow its smile. I got right into that one singular flower. Embraced its smell, its color and its reason for being on this earth. More specifically, in my yard, sharing its beauty with my family. Making the yard far more beautiful. and gosh darn it, I feel friggen amazing right now. No, that's not a powerful enough word. Hold on, I am going to google amazing and get another word. Be right back!! Spectacular!!! Heck yeah. There it is. Spectacular is how I feel at this moment.
  
    I have these awesome tools to re-start my day. I know exactly how to change my day. When my mind starts to race with the addictions and alcoholism, everything becomes blurred. I loose all perception of where I am going and what am I doing.  It is so frustrating. Then frustration leads to anger. Anger leads the way for more frustration out of being angry. Can you see the insanity of the terrible circle? Its like a dog trying to catch that car. Will never happen and if it does catch the car. The results are disastrous. I try very honestly to be as transparent as I can be. I truly want others to understand and see what it is like for and alcoholic/addict to go through a "normal" day. My journey is not special. It is not unique. How I choose to deal with my addictions and express them is kind of unique. I have got to continue to be accountable on all levels, to the team and others if I wish to see continued success. I do not want secrets. They have killed my before. So...... I need to tell you guys something. I do not want to tell you this, but, I can't go back down that road again. Muther lover, I really do not know if I have another full blown recovery left in me. Here it is.                                      I have been using drugs, a lot again. For the first month of this journey, I was one hundred percent clean. But, all the extra stress of meeting these goals and trying to be a better person started to strangle me. I was unable and un-willing to express that with you guys months ago. Slowly the usage got more and more and eventually, it consumed me in everything I was doing. If I was not at work, I was using.  Coming to class high, couldn't wait to get back to my car so I can smash that spliff into my lungs and make everything "go away". The thing about getting high, is you have to come down sometime. Can not hide in a cloud forever. So there it is.... I did not write that and tell you that for sympathy or to create excuses for my lack of engagement. I do not want people to feel bad for me for my terrible life decisions I made; even with this amazing journey at hand. I knew exactly what I was doing. I knew exactly how it would tear me apart. But I lied to myself and said, "not this time. I can safely use....this time." What really fires me up is why in the heck would I say that? I know the dangers and the downs that can come and hit me right where it really hurts. In the spirit. When I use, I don't do very much kung fu. When I get high, everything can wait. Everything! Friends, family, kung fu, goals, commitments, work, life. It all gets in the way of using and abusing. So i push everything out of the way of using. I can not believe I am writing this and am more than willing to post it. What has this I Ho Chaun done to me?

   I am listening to a compilation of Mackelmore and Eminem right now. There are a few songs that I have been holding onto very tightly. Other side, Starting Over, Legacy. I hold so tightly to the emotion and the hope those artists exhibit in their music. And the thought screams in my mind. " I love and admire them for their honesty. If I want success like those guys, well, get honest. And do it now! Quit wasting everyone's time and energy. Quit lying to yourself and your friends and just be honest. These guys can thrown their lives under the micro-scope for 7.5 billion souls on this planet to see and dissect. Why can't you do that for thirty-two people?"  When I wrote the paragraph above, I had Guts over Fear on repeat. Man, I did not want to confess that to the team. I wanted to keep that, "happy" mask on and just write some bullsh!t about some bullsh!t today. But, I physically could not. The thought of that made me sick. Seriously, what has happened to me? That's a question that I can not find the answer, so I am throwing it out here. I used to enjoy hurting people, now, it hurts me to even think of doing that to someone. I used to think, mind your own business. This is my life, and I am private about my life. So never mind. I will tell you when it concerns you. Sound familiar anyone? But, I then have set a limitation to how much I can grow and evolve. So there you go team. That is exactly where I am at today. Again, I am very grateful for all of you. Especially those who have reached out to me, and have built beautiful friendships.
  
   So the next thing is, what am I going to do about it? Man, I don't know. All I know, is persistence. One foot in front of the other. I will push through this. Listen, I have beat crack-cocaine and alcohol. Both had me face down in the mud suffocating the life out of me. Now, look at this, here addiction comes at full speed,  racing at me, OK, you still wanna mess with me 'eh? Snatch that s.o.b. out the car through the window addictions screamin' NO! I body slam them on the cement until the concrete gave. And created a sink hole, buried the addiction in it, then paid to have the street repaved. One more demon to bury. That is all. This one will take time, like the other two. I am re-stating a fact to myself. HA! Take that! Mess with me again. This is the last time we do this dance. Fired up? More like, angered to the point of doing something about it. Get in the way of my kung fu and goals. No! No more. Get outta the way or crazy willie will come back out and then we are all in for it. Is that what you want addictions? Is it? Think about what you are trying to do to me. Actually. It is what I am choosing to do to myself. Ahhhh! Don't loose it. Hold it together man. We can do this today. Don't let the insane side out today. I must practice persistence today. It is not a good idea to let "him" out today. I am not spiritually there today. That would be disastrous. So I write this blog for like two hours now. I stay here with my teammates. I always find peace with you guys.


   So, wow, that was a lot of the mind and chest. Thanks for this opportunity Sifu Brinker. What a day. So, numbers this week. Not bad. Actually I did fairly well. There where places I should have done better, but I got high instead! So, always room for improvement. But I brought the shadow boxing and combos back up to where they should be. I stayed in the moment, for the most part, while on the heavy bag. Speed and efficiency came quickly. The intentions were in the right place, thus, hitting the heavy bag felt awesome. Taking what, I was shown in class and placing into a sense of realism on the heavy bag in the garage felt great. I do love kung fu. It is so awesome!! Kung fu has given me a sense of purpose. Kung fu gives me another reason to live and strive to be better. And yes sometimes, the family is not enough initiative to shine. Forms seminar is coming up quickly, and what was said and what I heard were two completely different things. I was told you can learn any form you want. I heard go onto youtube and pick some random form that is really awesome and ask if you can learn that one!! haha. Silly, but I have a plan and lets see if it works out.
  
   Finally, I do apologise for the language I have used today. I did curse and swear a couple of times. I do not mean to offend anyone, but, I do not have the vocabulary to explain some of this stuff. I truly did the best I could. And I had to get this stuff out. Please understand, everything came from the heart, with the right intentions. And I am doing the best that I can. It can be hard to deal with life when living with these demons and people think you are crazy. I am crazy and I have embraced that. Now, I need to deal with this. Awesome a new disaster. I have made the confession, so now, it is beyond real. Now, I have to do something about this. And it is easier to swallow now that it is real.  My last two blogs were building up the courage to todays blog, so thanks for being here team! You guys rock!!


Thanks for your time
Humbly yours
Mr.Duncan

The Aftermath

Well, happy sunday everyone! Holy incredible feeling of euphoria! Yesterday was such an awesome day. I am very grateful for all who came out and those who supported how they could. Amazing! That parade was so full of excitement and energy, it was wild. I could feel the energy from my house, before anyone showed up. Then when the team did show. Wow, it was hard to control myself. I wanted to just run in circles screaming I was so excited. But, fortunately, control prevailed much of the day. Honestly, I am still sorting out, what exactly happened yesterday. When, the team was over at the barbeque, I was taken aback at how many people liked and complimented us on our garden. I guess I became complacent and used to the garden. Yesterday was a very nice reminder of how, blessed we truly are. How lucky we are, to be as self-sufficient as we can be. So thanks for reminding me and mine of that everyone. This past week, was a huge string of firsts. I have contemplated hosting a get-together, but was never willing to. Until yesterday. First time for having friends over on such a scale. I feel I was rewarded with a feeling of euphoria. Check this. While everyone was enjoying their dinners, I took a step back and just absorbed what was happening. Numerous deep breathes I took. As I slowly gazed around, I could feel.... an energy....an energy that seemed to be passing through everyone. For a quick second, it was like I could feel and see your energies. This feeling or sense came, with a very conscious breath and a very conscious blink of the eyes. And boom. I could see your bodies and faces, but your images were different, brighter almost. Maybe more like glowing. Then, just like that, everything was back to "normal," and finally, with my next breath, came the feeling of euphoria! Wild stuff, I know right!! Another huge first was Silent River in the Beach, just taking over. That was cool. Walking that parade, in this town is kind of like, walking the streets with my buddies, back in the day. Except yesterday, we did not participate in any illegal activities. Not even one egg thrown at one police car. Crazy business!! Do not worry, I covered the "egging of public officials houses" when the sun went down last night!! Just kidding. But, I did find doing the parade in Alberta Beach as a team, very fulfilling. That parade, the crowd was so into it, I think it blew stony plain's right outta the water. Strictly, because of the crowd. And S.R.K.F.  But I am biased on this topic.

   This week has been an amazingly great week. Emotionally, and spiritual growth was huge this week.  Do note, I try not to use names and titles when speaking about certain aspects of my being, do bear with me. I was having a rough start to the week. So, I did something, I haven't done before, ever, and I let an "outsider" in my mind this week. Now, usually, when I have issues or problems with something, I will only go to a few select people and ask for help. It takes me a long time to warm up to somebody with intentions of intimately talking to and letting someone into my head. But, I followed the lead I was given and spoke to a kind of new figure of respect in my life. Honestly, I let them in and honestly told them what is going on in my head and in my life. What a wonderful relief. What a wonderful feeling. It is hard to explain, but I feel, if we, as individuals, are struggling with issues, the only growth will be through honesty. Sure we can solve the person, place or thing, by walking away, or removing it from our lives, but, the real question is why did that person place or thing bother us, in the first place? With honesty, that question will be solved. Sometimes, an outsider with little to no knowledge of what is cooking in your mind, is all you need. At least it was for me. And an answer of another sort came as well. The more I ask for help and thrown myself out there to others, the stronger, internally/spiritually I feel. So the lesson is, again, I cannot do this on my own. I do need your help, and I am grateful for it. In our very awesome conversation, "how" came up. How to do the work? How to be better than yesterday? How does it work? The answer is simply the question. HOW? Honesty, Open heart, Willingness. For me and many like me, maybe you, that is the only answer. Let us place that in a sentence. Am I honestly, with an open heart, looking at my part; and am I willing to be the change I desire to see? If the answer is no, then shake your head and say, oops, I meant yes. Then the answers will come. Then situations will cease to exist. Not to say everything becomes peachy, but life is easier to deal with when looking at your part, how? You know how!!   
 
   Next, I invited, my new friend to come hang out with a bunch of other friends of mine. We are different to say the least. In which, we are a peculiar group of people and do things a very certain way. It works best for the greater good this very rigid, but soft direction. These guys and I have seen the worst and the best of times. We have seen and experienced bottoms like none other. But, we feed off of each others positive energies. We could be having one of the worst possible psychological days, but we get together, and nothing else matters. Its okay. This too shall pass, we say. Its a spiritual friendship with ourselves that has an immeasurable amount of positive energy. We believe in a higher power, but no title is needed. We can draw off of its energies to give to others. Through our experience, strength and hope, we pass this energy, the best we can. And, I mean, these meetings are not for everyone, but they most certainly can become a life line. For that reason, we need to practice discretion and humility in whom we invite to our hang outs. With all that being said, I do believe my new friend added a new vibrant energy to the conversation that was at hand. Boy, it was a good time. The things I learnt that night and the experiences and energies I felt where really outta this world stuff man. What a night of awesomeness.


   So, Yeah, my numbers were lower than hoped for, but spiritual growth was so terribly high, that wow! It is hard to believe. It really is. I had big ambitions for the week, but I was straight up stressed about The demo and parade on Saturday. Its cool though. The perspective has been tweaked and I see and understand, the reason for low physical numbers. The corrective positive re-enforcement takes that feeling of self-doubt right out of the picture. So, hmm, another lesson, it kind of seems. Fortunately, that lesson came earlier in the week and the numbers were easy to accept as what was happening.


Anyhow, my two mental midgets are I think, having another screaming contest. So, I am going to see, if they can out scream Metallica. I know just the album too. Ride the Lightening. Well maybe Ozzy? Oh decisions, decisions.


Scream at ya later
Mr.Duncan