What a week

    Good morning everyone! How goes the battle today? That's kind of what it feels like these last few days. Monday, I went to the dentist on a emergency type appointment. I thought for sure I had some rotten teeth. I woke up with the whole right side of my face on absolute fire, monday morning. It turns out, I simply grind and grit my teeth, a lot. Huh, no idea! Thankfully its a quick fix. Get a bit and it should help. Then on Wednesday, boy oh boy, I caught this fricken cold and it feels like I ran into a brick wall. Since Wednesday, I have done nothing physically. The headache that has developed from the cold is holy out of this world. I have had no energy. I have tried to do some push ups, but, I just can not breath. There is just no gas in the tank right now. Every time I try to push forward on my motions, the headache gets worse and worse. So, I will try to wait this out. Finish reading the book I started. Drink lots and lots of teas and consume a ton amount of honey. Its a good thing I have pounds of the golden nectar of the gods.


   I have been having a hard time concentrating and even putting thoughts together. Frustrating. My sentences sound like I have a bag of marbles in my mouth. haha! It's okay. Maybe the lesson is, to be quiet and do more listening. Maybe! Maybe I need to slow down a touch and admire the flowers while they are still around. Maybe. I don't know. Maybe I am just sick.


  Sifu spread a good message in class this week. What is the value to what you are doing? Is everything simply motions or is there some girth behind your motions? I touched on this in my last blog. I was challenged again to look at my perspective. Is what I am doing in kung fu a sacrifice or an investment? Which category does my job fall into. So, I looked at those topics and other topics in my life as well with that same question. In some ways, my life has both sacrifices and investments, in all my actions. Just beginning to open the door on this topic, and yeah there is fear and confusion here. What if the truth is not what I want it to be. What if kung fu is more of a sacrifice than an investment? Then last night it hit me. If I am doing this for the right reasons, like a positive example for the boys, then I don't think it is a sacrifice. Honestly with kung fu, I am investing into mine and their futures. I am placing lessons right out in the open for them to grab onto. But then again, a sacrifice is giving up one thing to obtain another. Usually of positive growth and nature.  So, sacrifice is not always a bad thing. From how I read it, it is usually a very good thing. And investing into the future is always a good thing. Investing the time and energy, into kung fu, so that, hopefully, one day, I can have the opportunity to become a master in this art form. But, I do not know.
   
   I don't know nothing about nothing. The more I learn about life and living simply and being pure and clean, the more I realise, I know nothing. So, that's cool. I am very happy about realizing this. It honestly comes as a relief.


   Smoking has been winning the battle lately. Big time. Its weird or pathetic, how my mind can contort and twist my wants. I want to quit smoking because of all sorts of obvious reasons. I need to quit, to obtain a higher value to my kung fu. I feel I have reached a plateau. And I know the only way off this plateau, is to quit smoking. I know it, I feel it, but I am so scared to just quit. Kids do not start smoking. This is by far the worse thing, I have ever gone through. Man, I quit booze, crack, cocaine, dope, violence, but not a cigarette. I tell myself while fuelling up the cars, no smokes, no smokes. don't ask for smokes, release me from these cigarettes. Then I am at the register and there are smokes in front of me, and I am happily paying for them. Like this is awesome! This better than candy and lollipops and stuff! And, I know excatly what I am doing. It is not like I walk around with my eyes closed and cigarettes just happen to fall into my mouth, and just happen to lite themselves. Nobody is holding a gun to my head, except for myself. Oh I know, exactly what I am doing. What a loser. And of course, frustration has settled and anger follows.


   I know the anger is there. Even with this cold, my thoughts are clouded. I am acting very selfish, and "isisms" are screaming back at full speed. I do not want to be bothered. My time is becoming mine again. I do not want to share my time with people. Nor do I want to speak to anyone. Just writing this blog, is pissing me off. I am he desire


    Meditation failed terribly.  After a few times of not being able to clear my mind, the "I don't want to anymore" thought sinks in. Then all I see is the negative side of things. It is like I completely ig


There, right fricken there. I hit some damn buttons and a bunch of what I had written is gone. And I cant find the bring that stuff back button. Now, I am pissed, so I will talk to you later.


Thanks for your time.
Mr.Duncan