Rambelling of thoughts

 well, it is sunday, so, hey why not. Still chilling in Salmon Arm. I am still having a good time. I will be honest, really missing the family this go around. Yeah, I really am, but, almost there. I will be home in 10 days or so. So, that will be nice. 

I was spoiled there in the beginning of the month and Wyatt traveled down with me and Alex and my wife, and the dog all travelled the next day. It was a lot of fun. They got to do a bunch of sightseeing and going and doing the tourist thing. I had to work, so that was alright. I did not take any time off, as I really do not want to right now. I have a goal that i am trying to hit and it requires time and lots of commitment on my behalf. I am okay with that. It is part of the process. 

I am close to getting some land. I would love to just put cash down, but anywhere in Alberta, especially where my wife has a desire to stay, is expensive, for whatever reason. I seriously just want enough land i can shoot my guns and be left alone about it. Do my hunting, just do what i enjoy doing. I friggen hate living in town, it seriously drives me batty. People and their people shit. Like i pipeline, i wish my home base was tucked away's away. I really do. Doesn't matter where I live, as long as I am where I want to be.

Any who, it is an ongoing and unrelenting bullshit battle, so, i digress and just whatever the situation. Ya'll wonder why i work away. But it is good. I do enjoy our little home and our little spot. It's cute.

Besides that, boy I'm not too sure. Seriously, things are solid. I am enjoying life and what it has to offer. Home is a wonderful little place. I am grateful for it and what we have made of it. We have a wonderful little garden. Usually we get through the majority of the winter worth canning and vegetables. This yeah, boy it has been kind of rough. Kind of a rough growing season i guess. I am not sure i havent been home since early June. Rv life!!

It is great! I love this rv. Always something i was half intimidated about. BUt, in all honesty, it has been really easy to learn and catch on with. Before, i took it from the shop, they went over the thing with me. Showed me this plug and that switch, so on. So, yeah. Great experince. I am slowly changing things around and dreaming up this and that. 

Any which way; I guess that is all folks. 

Thanks for your time

Talk to you soon.

Mr.Duncan

Finally

 well well well, what is ging on people?!? Today is a good day. it has been a great few days. Like really good. My beautiful daughter has reached out to me again. She is an adult now, so, i really hope things are different. She is able to decide for herself. 

I gave her my side of the street. And mixed emotions. Thats about all i can expect. I havre never been there for her, and she just wants her dad around. I simply want my daughter by my side. Thats it man. That is all i have ever wanted from her. 

I do not know what to really say anymore. I have explained myself so many times to so many people. Only once have i been ablee to have a honest conversation with my kid. She wanted to know, why i hated her, and nevere wanted her around. Oh man, so far from true, but she doesnt know any better. All she has ever known is hatred and anger towards me. And kind of rightfuly so. i have owned up to my part. I have squared up with my higher power. I have asked for my higher powers forgiveness. I looked myself in the mirrorr and had that chat. you know the one. The one that you have with yourself about when that person comes back into your life. What your gonna say, how you are going to say it. All is good. Final step is to ask for forgiveness from the only one that can offer it to me, and that is my daughter.

i am trying, but, i can not explain or express this over and over and over. Eventually, if we want to have a life together, we have to take that leap and jump in together. That is my kid and i shit the bed in her childhood....I can at least try my damnest now that she is an adult. 

I am so unsure of what to do to be honest. I missed everything, and yeah, that eats a guy up. Man, its tough to accept. Honestly, i have accepted it. Did that a long time ago to be honest. I simply had to move on. Fucking dying inside, loosing my mind, driving me absolutely insane. I barely know her, but, none the less, i love her immensely. 

Maybe that is why i try so hard with my boys. I do not know. I do not want to loose them, like what happened with my daughter. My family is a real big reason as to why i sobered up. I did do it for me, first and foremost, but they get the rewards, as much as I. 

It is another reason why i hesitate when getting to know people. Always scared everything I confide will get turned into a weapon against me. To be honest, that is why I have never shared my full and complete story with anyone. I have always only done sections of my life with different people. If you were to talk to around 15 people, you might have the whole story.  Never have i shared my whole story with any one person or group. Yes, even my wife, i have always held back. I mean, i have started to share more and more with her, but, always reserved. 

I am a firm believer that this step, is the next step we need to take to move on. Always i have known that this most likely will suck at first. For a few months, but, I have always felt, that we will heal and move on together. Well, I would like to hope anyhow. 

Hope, the light at the end of the tunnel, impossible to achieve until death. That word is the demise of momentum. 

Any which way

Thanks for your time

Mr.Duncan

Opportunity

 Well, and then this happened. So, my straw boss, my number on site. We had a very constructive conversation a few weeks ago, and he has been pretty darn good ever since. Minor, minor issues, nothing but learning curve kinda stuff. So all is good and dandy. Yesterday happens and he does not show up to work. Well, thats not my new guy, this isnt like him. Sure, he has a reputation at work and most of it is good, but like all of us, he has demons to work on. and they are starting to catch up. They are starting to control him.... sounds like a simular situation i have been in oh, around eleven years ago. i have felt the way he looked. I know how his mind was probably racing while I was trying to carefuly explain the situation and repercussions of his prior actions. 

Talking drugs and alcohol addictions is truly a scary thing to a lot of people. I am one of them. ONly through swallowing pride and trying to squash the damn ego outta the way..... I see a lot of people get shifty when that comes up... Hitting nerves. It seems like people with these ailgments always seem to find me on site. That's cool. I really don't mind. Every one needs someone and i can relate to the boys out in the field. Yeah, eating dirt sandwiches and dust in our water. to guys like us, our crews are our families. I spend far far more time with the crew than i do the family. Like 3 months to a week kinda ratio. That's life. Take into account that we are proud to be out here. We take great pride in what we do, and get alot of heat for doing what we do. That's life. i guess, what i am saying is that it takes a breed to do this, and with that breed of people, comes a lot of ego and pride. Well, with that comes a hesitation to ask for help. It actually a real bad problem for us. Slowly, one person at a time, i help break that cycle. Anyway i can. 

Today was a tough conversation to have. It sucks walking up to a fella and knowing i am going to literally fuck his day up. Not maliciously either. Hard no. To truly put out the hand of help and say hey man, please, now is the time to say if you need help or not. Please tell me now if you need help or not my man. Thankfully he took a moment. Took a deep breath and said yes man, i need help. Perfect, now, we can start the conversation we really need to have. And we can have this conversation with the right people. And so we did. Steps and progress has been made. 

I know just simply how dark and desperate of a place his mind may be in. Man, i have seen that muther fukers eyes. Ohh i have felt him squeezing on me. Some times i still feel that devil trying me. Ha. Nice try buds, but ill tell ya one thing for free, today is not your day to fuck with me. No, probably not even tommorrow either. Schedules booked up. Ha. But, if you dont have thiose tools yet, you dont and wont know how to spin circles around that devil. Yeah it is a process. Straight up sucks some days. It is worth it though. Every single second of it. 

I really and tryly hope nothing but the best for this man. I know he has the desire in him. I saw it in his eyes. I heard it in his voice. It is all good though. You are in a good place now. So, i didi tell him and the people involved that i want him back on my crew as my straw! I want you to come back strong and sober man. You have a job with me. That i want to make very clear with everyone. I have your back here. The whole way.

So yeah, that did happen, happy it did. It kinda was a solid reminder to myself about, I guess how I don't want my life to end up. Been there, done that, no thanks at all. I am good. Ha. One day, this man I write about tonight, maybe in the future he will have the opportunity to spread his hope, his help, and his joy to someone else; just like i have been graced with. 

It is an opportunity. Because, the man upstairs did make this happen. The creator, thought up this plan and its being executed the way it is supposed to go. What do we say, when a lesson presents itself, pay attention. I now understand why this man was put on my crew. It all makes sense now. 

Welllllllllp, 

i suppose that's it for now. 

Talk to ya soon

Mr.D

Ahhh work, isn't it dandy

 Hello there. Its me, Mr.D. yeah back for another instalment of whats going on today!?!?!

Well, let me tell you what. It has definatly been a few days. I mean, where does a guy start? All sorts of issues kind of hitting us all at once. Like seriously. What the heck. Too many people looking at the mountains and not enough people looking at their jobs? I don't have the answers. I have only a speculatin or two, and that's one of them.

Yeah, i had a guy on my crew. No, he is still a kid and he needs to find his own path. I have had this young man under my wing for five almost six months in total. I have worked near him a total of ten months. Solid hand! Great worker, indeed. But an attitude that just like, holy cow, boom outta no where absolute refusal to do the task i gave him. and no, its not the best job, it sucks. It was flagging on a road. No, not the coolest job, but, i had my reasoning. One, When asked to put my crew together, I had in mind a go-to truck. The boys that can do it all for me. Dig, flag, move equipment, help set-up sites, so on and so forth. ANd ya know, it was pretty solid, until, he had to flag for me. 

Now, because, this young lad was such an awesome worker and just solid to have around, yeah, here, go flag dude. have a free afternoon of just standing and chilling about. I know standing there sucks, but, it will be on quiet roads only, and ill try to find you shade. From both guys, yeah no problem. It will be great Will, we have your back, blah blah blah...

So he pulls a refusal to do dangerous work! Now, that is actually really serious. I go to start the conversation about how we can mitigate and understand what is going on with the dangerous work. 

The roads busy and he doesn't want to dodge the cars speeding by.. We are on a quiet residential road. 3 hours, six cars. All driving slow, because ya know, no one actually wants to hit anyone..

There is not enough communication between the signal persons...we gave them working radios that i made sure work. We are within speaking distance to the work actually being done. There is no lack of communication

He did not have the proper gear, because he refused to go get the proper gear from the tool crib him, as i asked and not tell me about it until I asked him where it is when it was time to go and get to work. he was mad I sent him back to the tool crib to get the gear. 

His final argument is he didnt have his paper copy of his flagging ticket on him, so he legally could not flag. He told me this after i made up my mind to drive him into the yard and give him to safety to deal with. did not have it because he threw it out the window of his vehicle. 

Blehh... not even excuses man. After, we give him truck privildges, after raises, after praise, he thinks he can pull a stunt like this after ten months of pipelining? You do not pull that stunt after ten years experince, unless, it actually is dangerous. Then, all the power to ya. Not for this one. This is lazy. And unfortuanatly, everyone in the offices know this. All the bosses, the other spreads and bosses over on the other few projects... it is too bad, he had second chance after second chance. I literally got into an argument with the boss over even hiring this kid. Yes, bossman, you where right. 

Learning curve I suppose. So much so, I kinda sat a really contemplated if this is on me. I needed to know. One way or the other. And i honestly know, that i am "clean" in this situation. This is all on that young fella. It is too bad. maybe he can get another shot at another company, but, we are a very tightnit group. There is only so many of us in all of western canada. And we all know each other. 

I know people on three major projects, and i dont know how many smaller projects. I personally have been around for the better part of six years. My boss has fourty-two years in the buisnesss. He knows everyone. Ha. I almost feel bad for the young lad, but, you dont get to pull stunt after stunt and disrespect every single person you want just to get out of flagging. That is not how its gonna work. Ever. 

I mean, besides that, the job is going well. I feel anyhow. I am trying to slow down and follow the steps. Really concentrate about just making sure I have my paperwork my ducks and, especially my path forwards.  One foot in front of the other. so to speak. 

Anyhow, talk at ya later

Mr.Duncan

July 2, 2011

Well then. 11 years of continuous sobriety. Man that feels great. I have definitely had some ups and downs. I was thinking about things and, ya know the last time i camped for work, it was the summer i quit drinking. Ha. I am camping here for work. I have always been nervous about doing that again; and have stuck to apartments and hotels. so much nicer this time around. This time, its not psychotic. I am not so nervous about everything. i am pretty chill. Pretty calm. For the most part.

I am pretty open and honest about who i am and where i came from. So when asked bluntly to go a party, i respond with the same, no thanks, thats not something i enjoy anymore. Or, i would prefer not too, but thank you for the offer. Some people ask why, so i give them, i do not drink, and i do not go to things, places like such. But, thank you for the offer. 

Drinking, more the effort to not drink, is not the same. It's something that i have practiced for so long, that its not even in my body or mind anymore. It no longer consumes me or my life as it once did. FOr example, when i very first decided to sober up, I went to a meeting a day for the first month or two, then down to three a week. Then eventually after four years i went down to two a week. then one a week. Now, its been a while since i've been to a meeting. It is not something i feel bad or remorsful about, no, not at all. I have simply moved on. I still hear those old voices and their advice whispered, sometimes yelled at me. Ha. Loved it.

Do not get me wrong, i owe my new life and my new everything to alcoholics anonymous. Yeah, even my path to Kung Fu, did not seriously start after my new A.A. journey. ah wow. For what an exciting time it was, I sure am glad that chapter is over. Well, that would be living in the past, no need for that. No, onto new things to concur and destroy.

It is very obvious a new chapter again started yet again. And here, again, pretty darn close to my A.A. bday. You know I spoke about taking a full time foreman seat, and that is the chapter. Being the boss i always wanted to have and showing the rest of them bosses this is how its done. I will get outta the guys what i want, basically when i want it. Because i lead. I am in the trenches lets go boys!!! I have a few little motivational lines i give out too, Yeah, are you trying out for Mack tools as a tool model, because, i would quit and just worry about this ditch!! haha. All in good fun.  I have more than earned my spot, and I take it as serious as such. It has been reittertated to me, that when i step foot onto that project, everyone answers to me. Third parties, inspectors, other foreman, it is mine. Yeah, i was like wow. That's throwing a guy to the wolves, eh!?! I have been entrusted with an entire section of the project, I have got to be on my game at all times!! No sweat. I can handle this, hold my soda pop and watch this.

I had the chance to have a solid heart to heart with the fella i have worked under for my entier pipeline career. He wanted to know, so he asked, and I bluntly told him who i was and where i was going, until i changed. He asked about my past and I told him quite honestly how terrible it truly was. I told him that if wanted me to drink, he should just shoot me. Its the same result. Ha. Then things made a little more sense for him. I did say, Ya know, all bull shit aside, I have an awesome killer instinct and when i lock on to something now a days, its pretty hard to get me to faulter from that goal. He said, oh yeah, whats that goal? "To be honest, i won't be satisfied until i take over all of this Jeff. I want this world now. In short, when you are done, and you say it is time, I want your position." "I appreciatye that will!" We shook hands and carried on. 

The seed for the next twenty steps have been planted. I don't control tomorrow, but, i can alter things and ask for help. I may not be able to control what comes at me, but i can plan and have plans for plans falling apart. 

Man, thinking back, it's been quite the journey. I am proud of myself on this day. 

Here's to another 24

Will

 So, here I am, in salmon arm, having the time of my life. I have officially taken the foreman seat on the digging crew! That’s mine now! Yes, me mnd my boys go and dig up a live gas line! Whooooo!!! I crushed that goal. Heck yeah. Not done though. Not done at all. Not even close.

The crew I put together is fantastic I feel. There are a few guys I’ve just met. There’s a few guys I worked with for the last year and one guy I have worked with for an honest 6years. 

These guys are great. The two I’ve had with me for a time, simply fell into line. They know what to do. They know how to do it! I’m simply just guiding and leading. 

Anyhow, we crushed our goal at work today with enough time to have a solid chill out break mid afternoon. Awesome! 

But I’m all honesty I’m just so grateful for the past few years. Two years ago, I fell deep into depression and all I had was Kung fu. Tried rebuilding best I could, tried to smile and be happy. Tried, some days I failed terribly. Others not bad. Last year, I had an opportunity of a lifetime for me. I got offered a job, that was the beginning of an absolute rocket ship for me. 

I took the positions sent my way! Also turned down positions I did not have the experience for. I grabbed bulls by the horns and went for the ride. Still riding man, and it feels great! I honestly did this career, my way!

Remembering back, I approached this job very different than almost all my past careers and jobs. I really felt, like I was running outta options and life to do something. School was going well, but I did hate it. I truly did. I wanted to love the new career, I wanted to want that lifestyle. But let’s face things, I’m very very good at what I currently do! So good in fact, that if you where to come onto a site I’m on, likely, I’m the first guy you need to speak to before I ask you why you’re on my site. Serious, your buisness is my buisness on that lease! Ha! What a thought! 

And I always talked about being that boss! Being the boss I wanted to have! Well… time to be that boss…

Okay dokay have a good day! 

Sure

 Hey everybody. Yeah I’m still around!! Still going strong. I have t been around at all since well last spring, and I do believe that’s the way it’s gonna be for the foreseeable future. 

Career wise, I’m absolutely crushing it. The winter in Conklin proved to be instrumental for myself and solidifying my position and earning that respect from my fellow hands and bosses. 

I have spoken about holding a foreman position. That was a temporary position at the time. I did say, back then, no sir, I do not have the knowledge to hold that position properly. Some people have spoken to me, just jump in and take it!! Fake it until you make it….no. Not for a second. 

In my industry we tear people apart for that. You either know or you don’t and if you say, yes I can do that and you mess it all up, best intentions or not, you’re gonna regret screwing up the project. Because, honestly, if any of the steps in my I Duarte get held back or get messed up, it does set back every single person and crew behind you! So, only knowledge and experience are looked at. We do not care who your friend is or your family. I have fired sons of bosses because, they couldn’t cut it! I have had that chat with the dad and when you explain your side, oh we get it. 

So, anyhow, this job this summer starts in a few days, I’ll be in salmon arm. Gonna be a great summer. The bossman says to me, “I want you as a foreman! I have faith in you and honestly, it’s time you take this step!”

“Do you think I can handle this?”

“I watched you all winter and last summer! You have got this buddy! So do you want this foreman seat or am I gonna pass you over again?”

“Nope, no need to keep looking! I am you’re   foreman!”

“Awesome! Now build a crew, get guys together, and get back to me!”

And I’m off! I have my crew built! I have my boys ready to roll when that day hits. Johnny on the spot here folks. 

I’m so pumped! And you know, like pipelining man am I good at what I do! I know it seems basic and it truly can be when you break things down and go step by step! I think it’s basic, some others do not. And that’s okay. I have the ability to slow down and focus on this step and the next few steps. I can honestly take a look at what’s happening and know exactly what the next step is. I have built a knowledge base where I can honestly jump in with both feet into almost any situation on a pipeline wand not only help, but excel! And even though I was being groomed to become management, I still asked questions! Even just to reinforce knowledge. I do t care about asking questions. It’s very powerful. 

In any event, I do hold onto a lot of basic hand forms and techniques. I don’t have the same drive in Kung fu as I once did. I have other goals. My thoughts and actions have changed. My desires have stayed mostly the same, just tweaked for todays goals.

If this “pandemic” has taught me anything, it’s simply, I do not like people. Like a lot! I have grow kinda jaded on the last two years, so instead of acting the fool and trying to place blame on everyone around me, I’ll own my issues and carry on! I have a desire and the ability to move to a large parcel of land and truly have no need for most of society.

I am working a plan, when and where I will become completely self sufficient as far as food goes! I’m working on energy and heat abilities at the moment, but, I’ll build a plan. And eventually, I will pack my belongings and honestly disappear into the woods! 

Let’s be honest, I would flourish out in the wilderness! I like trees far more than 99% of people out there! I am far more at home out in the bush or tracking an animal or just napping under a tree. 

In a few more years, I will be able to pick and choose what jobs I go on! In a few more years I’ll decide what hours I will work! And so on. It’s alot of hard work and labour and just saving and saving and saving, but my mental health is worth it!