Eat, sleep, conquer, repeat

     Hi, internet! It's me it's me mr.D! Fell down and floundered for a while there!I'm feeling good about me again. Last night I had a chance to hang with a real good friend of mine. Someone who understands me and understands the challenges I face. I forgot my basics. Forgot my goals, forgot who I was. Forgot?! No, ignored who I was. That's okay though folks. I learnt a lot about me in the last few days. Some times a sick mofo like me, has to fall down and rest in the shit of life before any self-realizations can appear. Sometimes, I need it dark and lonely, before, I can ask for proper help.

    Not everyone can help people like me, and I forgot that. I thought that, you know, I was like most people, for a while, but I am not. Most people would quit life if they have to go through the mental tormenting, that people like me go through on a seemingly daily basis. That's okay. I forgot, people like me, are far too much for some to help. Sometimes, I need that reminder. I have a disease that is unlike many others. Not an excuse, but that's how I was treating it. It's not an excuse to be shitty and self-loathing. No, it's my reason to get out of bed and crush the day. It's my reason as to why I'm the warrior I am today. I'm not scared to look the devil in his beady little eyes again. I not afraid to kick that demon right in the groin. Bring it on truck face. You think you got Willie down? You think you got me backed into a corner? Ahh, Maybe, you do. You sure you want to keep pushing? Yeah you do, but, do not forget I get back up, every single time. And when I do, you best not be here. Some days, I forget, why, I went down that dark road for so, so many years. I remember now. I remember. I'm here to earn what's rightfully mine. I'm taking my place back, and if you're standing there in my way, you won't be for much longer!

      This last while was a great reminder as to what can happen, when I prioritize life before happiness. Life happens, but, happiness is a choice. Yes, everything is a choice. I can choose miserable balogna or I can choose to be who I'm supposed to be. I have this burning desire in my belly, and when I chose to try to squash that fire, I always pay dearly. When I throw kindling on that fire, the results are always awe-inspiring!! Well, whoever is upstairs, gave me a great reminder, of what will happen, when I quit striving to be me!

     Being "committed" to a way of life and not working for it just doesn't make any sense. Committed! Pfft, I'm committed to world peace, but, I'll still take you out when threatening me. Demons or people. I don't give one hoot who is stepping up, you'll fall, just like every other naysayer! But, That's what I was also doing. Started to fall into the sheep mentality, when in fact, I am the lion! Not a wolf, forget the wolf. Put a lion in a cage with a wolf, and well, it's not going to work out well for the dog. Lions are kings and wolves are dogs. Forget these excuses about planets and stars, and universal energiesand the trees blowing this way, and the grass growing that way. Simply more unneeded excuses. I, with the help of my higher power, create my opportunities and energies. No more cupping my nuts and waiting for it.  I ask for help and guidance, and start pushing hard.

     I'm paraphrasing and changing to suit here! "The lion doesn't loose sleep over the opinions of sheep, he just eats them!" Today that's where I'm at. Unless you are fighting in my corner, you are fighting my corner, and there's not too many who want to throw down with someone who fights with the devil on an hourly basis! Arrogant, nope! Determined, hell yeah! Confident, almost one hundred percent back there! Don't confuse confidence with arrogance! That's a sheeps mistake!!

      Besides, this mofoing lion is hungry. You'll never know just how strong you are, until you get desperate for change and growth. Desperate people are the most dangerous. You'll never know what they will do to simply not fail! Unless you've been there you'll never ever know. Unless you've been there you'll never relate!! You'll never know what it like to be desperate until it's all you have left. I'm not scared to fall down and roll in the mud. Failure, that's a state of mind and in the last few years, I've not completely accepted failure in my soul. I learn. I grow.



"Eat, sleep, conquer, repeat"
Brock Lesnar 1977-present

Time to feast! I'll eat all you all later. Just wait your turn.
I'm hunting for mine, and if you got it, I'm taking it
Mr.Duncan

the thought behind a thought

     Well, this is real weird. The blogging on a Thursday, but hey, I got something to say. So, lately, I don't know. I've just been kinda messed up. Not really sure on where to go or what to do. Things in my professional life are at its worst. I have this kinda love to hate my career path. It feels like I've been living a fricken lie most of my life. I don't know what I'm after right now. There's literally no sustainable work for me. There's a shut down coming up, and another big money gig that I can chase. But here's the thing. I'm sick and tired of chasing the money. I'm sick and tired of running in circles for money. I know I'm kinda sounding like a wiener. I know, but, it's fucking true. A man can only handle so much chatter before the chipmunk gets it. And this mind is on over drive.
    Listen, i am very thankful for my career. All the people I met. All the times I've had with these different walks of life. I have had a lot of fun hanging and banging iron. I truly love that job. But, honestly, I don't want to anymore and why should I? It's not why I was put on this Earth. It's not, Im not sorry. Truth is, is I'm not sure what is my reason. To be the best I can be at everything I do. Check. Trying to, working on it. Some days are for shit but others, others are the reason why I keep pressing forwards. The little things in life ya know?
    So, I've been soul searching and thinking and pondering, and I wasn't getting anywhere. I was finding the skills I have, but, I was only focused on why I couldn't bring skills over from ironworking to another gig. And I was baffled. Still kinda am, note, my randoms through this blog! I was going in circles with my conversations and all because I don't understand! I don't get anything other than the ironworking world. Even the rest of the trades, the construction world, honestly, I don't care about. I've straight up with lots of don't belongs on the job site. Besides that, I keep minimal contact with the outside world, I don't like it when people I don't know, know my name. How the do you know me? Me and my mindset are fucked up. The way I think and see things versus what and how things work in the rest of the world. It's all sorts of off. I would have done great in the Wild West! Shit yeah. Ol' dead eye Willie. Except I would have been blind. (No eye surgery back then!) Gladiators!! Yeah!!
   Wow, all of that up there because, I have no idea on writing resumes and cover letters. I know there's help. It's stupid. That's right I said it. It's stupid. Hahahaha. Basically because I don't understand why! I just don't get it sometimes. It's not stupid. Nothing is I guess, it's just understanding. I'm not a dumb guy. I just don't understand the language and I'm English speaking. Like, that's what I talk..... The need for evolution is here.
   It's okay though. The awareness is there know. I do get the picture and in my experience, it's always stormiest before the calm! And if one or two rants and a blogfest is all Willie's freak out consists of today, oh wow! My reaction I can control, and I can fix that. That's great. That is progress and change. I just need more of it. I know one day I be as calm as calm is, but this is growth. Only two whack days! Not bad buddy, not bad at all!! Pat on the back. Oh if you only knew! Yeah, I third person myself I know. I'm kind of impressed on the ability to grasp and calm and breath I've managed to muster. Man was there a time. That's all wrapped up now though. That time is gone and over.
       Fucking fear. It pisses me off. You know? I don't know, I can only speak for me. But fear it's a weird one.  I've lived down there for years and I near died a lot, and today, there's parts that won't budge. I'm so scared to fail, that, it's just goes on repeat. You'll fail. You'll fail. Man, you don't try to listen, but, it's that little fucking squirrel again. Going on and on and on and on. Fire trucks!
I don't know, though, maybe I shouldn't say nothing. Maybe.....hehe
   So, here's a curve ballio. I think all and all, it's been a good day. Egos hurt. Pride got kicked in the balls. I'm not getting my way, basically, everything I need to see before I will change. There's a few steps further if more drastic measures are needed, but, I get it. Im good, this is shitty enough. I'm a stubborn sob some days, but that's serves a purpose too. Just not today or tomorrow. I'm not scared to look at my part in the event, it is the work towards restoration that sucks sometimes.still, we trudge the road towards happy destiny" yeah we do! These are pivitol times and what my next step is scary, but, is the one that matters. There's no glue there anymore. Still, I've done what I can for today, tomorrow I will pick up my wreckage and start again. I'll try again. I'll never stop trying to get better. Not going to happen. Again, I'll muster my courage and try again. Maybe ask for more help? Maybe do more breathing? Hopefully, I can catch myself earlier in the moment and put a hold on things? Yeah, let's just start with breathing......

Well, internet survey says; I'm insomniac tonight and I'm should watch some Lucha Underground. It's a Fantastic show! It's like way better than wwe, fast hard hitting and it's Lucha! Crazy Mexicans flying around the ring in all sorts of fashions. It's visual happiness baby!
See ya around
Mr.Duncan

summer

   Well another summer is done. This was the best time of my life. It truly was. I've wanted for years to chill at home with my kids for the summer, and lay-offs and a lack of work really helped me stay at home.  I learnt a lot this summer. Had some good times, did some cool shit.  It was great. Neato. Learnt a lot about gardening and planting and caring for my plants.  Boy, we are going to have a great tomato cop this year.  Peppers, best they have ever done. Did the peppers in pots this year, I think we will stick with that routine for a while now.  I do have to do some serious work in the garden before winter hits. I'd like to clean out one of my compost bins and spread it into the garden. Normally it's a three year turn around on compost piles, but, I might shave a year and see what happens.  It's defenitaly nice compost, just gotta do some more reaserch on using compost earlier than hopping for.
    I was challenged early in the year with my son's bmxing. I didn't know much about bikes and such, but, after some crash courses with these awesome parents at the track, I picked it up, really quick. Now, I have a good understanding about the mechanics of the bike, I'm going to rebuild this "junker" we have sitting in the sun. And hopefully next spring I can give this rebuilt bike to a child that needs one.  I'm not sure, but I might even repaint the thing! We will see, just how ambitious I get with th bike.
   Kung fu wise, well. I took august off. I'm not overly sure what happened. But the training went the way of the dodo.  I did do some forms and crap like that, but, I didn't train like I used to. That's okay. I have a few different things running through my mind. I have my end goals and in between goals, but,where I'm at in my training,  it can difficult to train by myself. Especially when forms are driving a guy into boredom. Fuck, man, yeah I can do five forms of everything a day, but man does that get old fast. Like really fast. Oh look, doing this form again, and then the mind is off doing whatever and about half way through the form I'm like, pfft whatever. I have the form. I have the basics, just working on the fine details. Weird just like everyone one else. Whatever. Some days a guy just gets bored. When I get bored, I wander away, and I don't really pay attention any more.  See for me, as an intense person, I like intense training, not just working up a sweat doing warm ups, like that stuffs very important, but, I like the intense side of things! I like to be pushed and put in situations that cause thought and growth. I really enjoy learning an application and then playing with it. How it works in different situations. Learning how things change when your opponent does this or that. Yeah, I know, there's more to a black belt then punching and kicking, but, it's a huge part of it. I don't want to learn something, that someone has thought up, and never put into application, and has no idea on if it's works or if it's just neat. If you don't know, then you don't know and that's okay, if you can admit that. I admit I don't know stuff all the time, that's how I learn and grow. Like that crane/elbow block that seems to be everyone's number one go to thing. Well, Listen man, that doesn't work very well. In fact it only works in a very few situations. It is a terrible way to block a thrust kick, a roundhouse, yeah I can't see that. A spinning back kick, kinda makes sense. But, Think about it. You are purposely taking away your grounding in order to block a pushing kick?! Sure, you can break a foot with an elbow to the top, but, you can get pushed around even easier. It's so easy to lift the knee watch you exert all the energy so you can simply break your ground and loose your balance to just push you over!! Hahaha. I enjoy the lead with a straight arm theory, too. Yeah, you are going to give me your gaurd and I'm going to stay away? Hahaha. Nope. It's called sticky hands and I'll pull you in and eat you for lunch if you give me an arm like that. Ever seen someone start a chainsaw on somebody? That's what will happen with that! No, you don't believe me? That's cool. Watch some pros do it. They will never give you their gaurd unless they are taunting you in. Not a good theory.
   This year coming up, is going to be interesting. Neither of my boys want to do Kung fu anymore. That's fine. Kids need to explore and find what works for them, no matter what any respected person says. Kids want their own thing and I support that whole heartedly. Honestly, I do not know what is best for my kids, but, I can help my kids be the best they can be. That's what is important! Being supportive of your kids no matter the consequences. But, that does leave old dad wondering, well, how am I going to get to class? Am I going to be able to make classes? I don't know. I know some would like it if I didn't go, but, that's not in the plans. I will be obtaining my black belt under the guidance of Sifu Brinker and Sifu Wiebe. That's going to happen! Mark my words.

Well. To the no-one's that's reads this crap, talk to you soon.......
Hahahahaha
Mr.D