Well, that’s been a week, imma tell you what! I have no idea where to start. I can’t wait for rain, so I can go home and collect my mind! Haha my whole being is just on fire. I’m trying to train more mindfully now. My free time is limited to very little, so the reps I get in and what I aim to accomplish are as sound as I can get them at the moment. Always room to improve and grow. I’m trying to move for more flow. It’s something I feel that’s lacking. There are a few times in Da Mu Hsing where it’s not a complete stop, I don’t think, but it’s noticeable. Challenge accepted! My kicks I feel are coming along nicely. Daily, incremental progression. Feels good to get the old side heel thrust kick going again. I don’t have much time, so I must be efficient.
Honestly, I don’t have much to say. My training is consistent, my reps are there, I’m motivated to learn, I’m honestly really distracted though. Like, well, shucks! I’m honestly at a loss, and believe you me, it takes something huge to stump me! Ha. It’s cool. I’m mentally and physically engaged. This is what I’ve trained for. The numerous possibilities that this relationship could go. This relationship I’m shooting for is...it’s all I’ve wanted. It’s my little baby girl, but she’s no baby nor is she little anymore. Dang she’s 16 years old, omg wth my mind literally exploded...holy horse smiles, I’m vapour locked and just asking questions. I just want to get to know her. I can’t wait to hug her, and she says thats cool! I can’t wait. Been saving this hug for years and years friends. Oh boy oh boy. We gotta be slow and at her pace and I gotta consider my boys too. But, I need to be here now. Circumstances have shown me what’s what, and I gotta just be there, share my experience and hope. Like, I’m still dad....i just don’t know nothing right now, I’m still a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions. I know what I said when I was in her shoes grown up man. Okay Challenge accepted.
Every time I have something massive in my life happen, Silent River Kung Fu, is always there. I’m training. The last time I had numerous happenings in my life was when I was last training with SRKF and the IHC. Every single time. I wonder if that’s my lesson to learn....I’d say it is.
Thanks
Mr.Duncan
Sunday, 19 July 2020
Sunday, 12 July 2020
Hey yo
Well, 2020 eh!?! The year of curve balls and what is going on here? You know though, let’s be honest, it’s been a good year. Eye opening and full of lessons. Lessons I never knew that would come! Rewards though peeps! For me personally, it’s been full of achievements and milestones. Another 365 days of sobriety, I’ve reconnected to Kung Fu, my grounding source. My source of strength and power. I’ve got it back in my grasp and I’m trying to utilize it to the fullest extent.
My training has been pretty solid, minus my little vacation a few weeks ago. And, absolutely, my forms are not the best they can be. And no matter any outside circumstances, those results are me. Good. Own the failures and missed opportunities. Okay done that. Now move forward, man! Quit kicking my heels, and I honestly have been. This is not all that I can give. Oh no. I can do better, I just keeping making up excuses.
Like I don’t feel like training tonight. I just lugged around 100lbs of gear through a mud road that trucks can’t go through for 1.5km. One way! Hahaha. Oh man, my calves were on fire man. My sled had a square bottom, because it was a spill tray, not a sled. Every so often, you’d be making good time and then bam you’re stuck! And near faceplant in the mud! Hahaha. You can literally hear the hip being pulled out of place. Yes I said hear! Oh man, bring it on ahhh! You don’t scare me! I got dinner out of it! Bam! And I still did some forms and like one round, maybe of shadow boxing. Then, I was spent for the day.
But, yeah, I’m hitting forms and kicks hard again. I have too. My side heel thrust kick used to be one of my go to’s. It’s was very nice! Today’s kicks are decent, okay! Not where they should be. I want my kicks to be better. To be all that they can be! Ha. So, back to the grindstone. I’ve been practicing holding at the three point. Hold pause looks solid, move forth foot, and pause, pull back toes. That’s the ticket, and repeat. I enjoy doing these simple tasks. So simple, but, so rewarding. Maybe it is the little things in life?
So, how do I combat my excuses. Pushing through, obviously. I like to over complicate and over think and tear apart everything always. Like, it’s a bit of an over obsession sometimes. So, my best bet for now, is to stick to the basics. Stop getting fancy and just practice Kung fu. That’s what I need and want. So, that’s what I going to do. Just back to the basics. Quit talking and start walking...
Okay and you know, another curve ball another test for me. The universe is like, okay cool, you’re there hey Will! You’re doing great. Smiles big and talking positive. Okay dokay Will! Well buddy here’s a blast from the past for ya! I got a random out of the blue text from some one very, very important in my life. I’ve just never the chances to actually do my thing. I’ve asked and begged and shown my desire for just one more opportunity to help fix a completely destroyed and smashed into tiny bits of a relationship from the past. So far so good....we have been texting sun up to sundown. Going slow. Neither of us are overly sure of what to say to each other. We both ask for a clean slate and a shot at life with no one getting in our heads. Sure, no problem kiddo. I’d love one more opportunity to be there for you. I feel this may be that opportunity, but, with ease and patience.
This is what I have trained and meditated and reflected for. This single reason is why I didn’t pull the plug oh so long ago, to rebuild a relationship from the past. I always knew one day, I’d be able to be there. One day, I could say I love you. This, I feel, will be my greatest challenge since I’ve sobered up. I understand and see, I’m trying so hard, to look unbiased at this relationship and just simply believe in my higher power. Like I say, when I get out of the way, stop directing my life, and just believe, I can do amazing things...oh man, here we go. This is going to hurt, it’s going to be full of tears and frustrations. Always though, for the better. I do believe this will lead to a greater happiness than I’ve ever known, not just for myself, but for the other party involved. And, honestly that’s whats important here. Her joy and happiness, not mine alone.
Anyhow, Monday’s coming fast, so, have a great night folks.
Thanks for your time
Mr.Duncan
My training has been pretty solid, minus my little vacation a few weeks ago. And, absolutely, my forms are not the best they can be. And no matter any outside circumstances, those results are me. Good. Own the failures and missed opportunities. Okay done that. Now move forward, man! Quit kicking my heels, and I honestly have been. This is not all that I can give. Oh no. I can do better, I just keeping making up excuses.
Like I don’t feel like training tonight. I just lugged around 100lbs of gear through a mud road that trucks can’t go through for 1.5km. One way! Hahaha. Oh man, my calves were on fire man. My sled had a square bottom, because it was a spill tray, not a sled. Every so often, you’d be making good time and then bam you’re stuck! And near faceplant in the mud! Hahaha. You can literally hear the hip being pulled out of place. Yes I said hear! Oh man, bring it on ahhh! You don’t scare me! I got dinner out of it! Bam! And I still did some forms and like one round, maybe of shadow boxing. Then, I was spent for the day.
But, yeah, I’m hitting forms and kicks hard again. I have too. My side heel thrust kick used to be one of my go to’s. It’s was very nice! Today’s kicks are decent, okay! Not where they should be. I want my kicks to be better. To be all that they can be! Ha. So, back to the grindstone. I’ve been practicing holding at the three point. Hold pause looks solid, move forth foot, and pause, pull back toes. That’s the ticket, and repeat. I enjoy doing these simple tasks. So simple, but, so rewarding. Maybe it is the little things in life?
So, how do I combat my excuses. Pushing through, obviously. I like to over complicate and over think and tear apart everything always. Like, it’s a bit of an over obsession sometimes. So, my best bet for now, is to stick to the basics. Stop getting fancy and just practice Kung fu. That’s what I need and want. So, that’s what I going to do. Just back to the basics. Quit talking and start walking...
Okay and you know, another curve ball another test for me. The universe is like, okay cool, you’re there hey Will! You’re doing great. Smiles big and talking positive. Okay dokay Will! Well buddy here’s a blast from the past for ya! I got a random out of the blue text from some one very, very important in my life. I’ve just never the chances to actually do my thing. I’ve asked and begged and shown my desire for just one more opportunity to help fix a completely destroyed and smashed into tiny bits of a relationship from the past. So far so good....we have been texting sun up to sundown. Going slow. Neither of us are overly sure of what to say to each other. We both ask for a clean slate and a shot at life with no one getting in our heads. Sure, no problem kiddo. I’d love one more opportunity to be there for you. I feel this may be that opportunity, but, with ease and patience.
This is what I have trained and meditated and reflected for. This single reason is why I didn’t pull the plug oh so long ago, to rebuild a relationship from the past. I always knew one day, I’d be able to be there. One day, I could say I love you. This, I feel, will be my greatest challenge since I’ve sobered up. I understand and see, I’m trying so hard, to look unbiased at this relationship and just simply believe in my higher power. Like I say, when I get out of the way, stop directing my life, and just believe, I can do amazing things...oh man, here we go. This is going to hurt, it’s going to be full of tears and frustrations. Always though, for the better. I do believe this will lead to a greater happiness than I’ve ever known, not just for myself, but for the other party involved. And, honestly that’s whats important here. Her joy and happiness, not mine alone.
Anyhow, Monday’s coming fast, so, have a great night folks.
Thanks for your time
Mr.Duncan
Sunday, 5 July 2020
Come and gone
Well, hi there. As you may guess, I don’t have much to talk about, Kung fu wise. I spent the last week and a bit in my head. It’s not bad there. There’s a lot of different places I can go today, as I have stayed busy these few days at home. Yeah, I got to come home. Before this rain shut us down, I’d only been home for 25hrs since May 15ish. Ha. So, this last almost week at home is great.
Like I say I was in my head, lately. I just hit another major milestone in my life, for an extremely personal goal of mine. For as excited as I should have been to hit this milestone, I was kinda being a downer about it. Everyone who knows me, knows I have a heck of a life. Down in the dirt, slinging mud and eating poo pies. I used to be a very bad drunk and I earned the title alcoholic. In every and all senses of that word and whatever image may come to your mind, i probably fit that picture at one point or another in my past. You see, it was 2011, June 2, at around 430-5 am, I am not sure what exactly happened, but, I wanted to change at that exact point in time. We had just partied Canada day and I didn’t want the party to stop. I’ll try to keep this pgish! Partying like nothing matters. Having way too much of a good time. Earlier in the night some drug dealer tried to stab me and the guy I was with! That was wild, a couple of quick punches and fast dodges and we got out okay. Cops where close by, so we jumped in a taxi and peaced. Found more alcohol, found more drugs and proceeded to carry on. Got back to buddies place and blacked out again, I came too, sitting over this man, I came too just in time to stop the at least assault charges from happening....I let go, walked upstairs, put on my gear and started making phone calls. That image had stayed burned into me. The fear in that mans eyes, the places things where going to go......still shakes me when I think what was about to happen. That’s why I have a heck of a time getting aggressive and wanting to fight today. I know just how far I have been, please no further. Oh boy, do I not want to go there again. At that exact moment in time my higher power slapped me right in the face! With Everything I’ve done, every punch I threw, every ignorant word, every mean look, every cold hearted thing I have done. All in that mans eyes and face that morning on July 2, 2011. I started making phone calls. I had, had enough, of living like a degenerate. I had enough of literally wasting my life. My wife was pregnant with baby number two, Wyatt, and my three year old, Alex, was terrified of me, legit. I was scared of me too. I was a black out drunk, so whenever I woke up, there was always a feeling of regret, fear of what I did the night before. Did I get into a fight? Did I drink and drive? Did I just escape from the cops? Oh who did I hit? Why Will? Every time why?
I was given three options. Go to an insane asylum! Go to a treatment center! Go to A.A. I was told pick one or your fired. So I figured I picked the easier of the three options, I chose to go to A.A. these people, they “loved” me from the second I walked in. 145ish lbs. yellow years, pale skin, smelt like death and I moved like it. How could you love me? I always thought. I shook so terribly those first few sober days, the coffee would literally jump outta my cup. The language I knew, was barbaric and incoherent. “How is your day sir?” I usually, just nodded and said fine thanks. My mind as so littered with confusion and hatred. How did I get here? How did I let myself go so far? Oh my god, why are these f’n people talking to me? Get out of my space!! Get away from me! How can that person tell so much of my story? He doesn’t know me!
They never left me alone. Being alone was my problem, they wanted to see me succeed. So no one, not one person would accept failure from me. If you’re gonna drink Will, you had better call me first! Many nights I would spend staring into the stars, just trying so hard to not drink. Trying so hard to fight that demon. These people, they promised me. They bloody well PROMSIED me, that I could have a new life. I could be what I want to be. I could get and stay sober. I could earn the respect of my family again. I could be a progressive part of society. I will loose the desire to drink!!. I just had to do the work. I laughed in their face, promise? Promises are what you tell children so the finish their chores, don’t lie to me. They said you’ll see....
A few weeks later, after many shared tears and shouting matches with the walls, I honestly felt the desire to drink just leave me. The higher power I was praying too, that being, really came through. Pulled me a solid, id say. I asked and begged and cried myself to sleep, and I woke up one day, not
wanting to drink, the shakes, the confusion the hatred, all was being lifted up and out of me. I no
longer felt like my cousins suicide was my fault. I decided to get drunk, instead of calling my cousin that night..........like I really, really wanted to. That moment was another fine example of my character, back in the day. I finally accepted and admited my faults to another. Asked for forgiveness and I made a promise to my higher power, that I’ll stay away from the booze, I’ll keep trudging the trenches, I’ll keep being better every day, even it’s just half of a percent.
I’ve kept that promise. I’m not exactly sure when, but after a few years of literal A.A. life support, I was able to stay out into the “real world”. In the sense I never did go to a treatment center of any sorts, except, to go speak at one, when I was like just over a year sober. I learnt so much in that group. I was given a free second chance at life. These people loved me show up, I learnt what emotions were. How anger isn’t always the best idea. Haha. I learnt to respect myself and my soul. I learnt there’s so much more to life than how many bottles of beer can you drink in a sitting. There’s so much out there.
I had this hole still in my soul. It felt like that feeling I used to get before I’d But, in any event, I came across SRKF in a small little gym with my kid some other kids and a couple of smiling black belts. That empty feeling, it went away,, when I sat and watched in the beginning. I joined a few weeks later. The empty hole I felt. Going going gone! That missing link if you may, it was there. I finally, after trying so hard for so long, I finally felt complete-ish. I knew right from the moment I first slipped on my gi, this was what I needed to finally become whom I’m supposed to be.
I want to say that was sevenths years ago. That moment when things started to click for me. When I started to define my purpose on this planet. When I finally started to carve my own path. Kung fu started to give me more confidence and self esteem, like I’d never really had before. It’s takes for more of a person to show restraint and use words than as opposed to breaking someone’s nose. I could never find success with martial arts while I drank, I always found ways to use what I learnt in the streets. But, here was different. SRKF was different. I wanted to learn how to seek and destroy, and I was taught balance and harmony. I wanted to learn how to snap and cripple, but I learnt calm and patience. I guess I am learning what I need to learn. Take me out of the equation, and boy, can I fly. When I’m not running the show, I can do amazing things with my mind and body.
It’s kinda funny, how some of my major moments in Kung fu that will always stick with me happen or around July 2. Honestly, I’ve blogged about them. Ha. It’s nice having moments written down. It’s a great tool we have. This year. I celebrated quietly. Very quietly, upstairs, where it all began. Sure, I’ve had some ups and downs. I’ve been like a dog chasing squirrels. But I’ve always been watching and learning. I’ve been quiet lately, because I’ve been reflecting. Just about everything. Where I was to where I am. Where I’m going, what’s happening. I’ve come to the conclusion. This is an amazing ride. I’ve been blessed more ways than one, and continue to be blessed.
Oh, those promises I talked about?! Every single one of them have come true. I have this amazing gift with so many amazing people, it’s kinda overwhelming at times. I get to see my family, they love me! I have all these friends, they are really cool! Nobodies trying to actually stab me, that’s a huge bonus. When you find friends that won’t actually stab you, you stick with them. No high speed chases. No wilding out and getting violent. Man! That in itself is a promise come true! Hahaha.
So, I guess what I’m trying to say, is happy belated July 2, it’s personally, it’s my favorite day of the year! And, well, thanks for hanging in there and reading that rambling!
Talk to you soon
Mr.Duncan
Like I say I was in my head, lately. I just hit another major milestone in my life, for an extremely personal goal of mine. For as excited as I should have been to hit this milestone, I was kinda being a downer about it. Everyone who knows me, knows I have a heck of a life. Down in the dirt, slinging mud and eating poo pies. I used to be a very bad drunk and I earned the title alcoholic. In every and all senses of that word and whatever image may come to your mind, i probably fit that picture at one point or another in my past. You see, it was 2011, June 2, at around 430-5 am, I am not sure what exactly happened, but, I wanted to change at that exact point in time. We had just partied Canada day and I didn’t want the party to stop. I’ll try to keep this pgish! Partying like nothing matters. Having way too much of a good time. Earlier in the night some drug dealer tried to stab me and the guy I was with! That was wild, a couple of quick punches and fast dodges and we got out okay. Cops where close by, so we jumped in a taxi and peaced. Found more alcohol, found more drugs and proceeded to carry on. Got back to buddies place and blacked out again, I came too, sitting over this man, I came too just in time to stop the at least assault charges from happening....I let go, walked upstairs, put on my gear and started making phone calls. That image had stayed burned into me. The fear in that mans eyes, the places things where going to go......still shakes me when I think what was about to happen. That’s why I have a heck of a time getting aggressive and wanting to fight today. I know just how far I have been, please no further. Oh boy, do I not want to go there again. At that exact moment in time my higher power slapped me right in the face! With Everything I’ve done, every punch I threw, every ignorant word, every mean look, every cold hearted thing I have done. All in that mans eyes and face that morning on July 2, 2011. I started making phone calls. I had, had enough, of living like a degenerate. I had enough of literally wasting my life. My wife was pregnant with baby number two, Wyatt, and my three year old, Alex, was terrified of me, legit. I was scared of me too. I was a black out drunk, so whenever I woke up, there was always a feeling of regret, fear of what I did the night before. Did I get into a fight? Did I drink and drive? Did I just escape from the cops? Oh who did I hit? Why Will? Every time why?
I was given three options. Go to an insane asylum! Go to a treatment center! Go to A.A. I was told pick one or your fired. So I figured I picked the easier of the three options, I chose to go to A.A. these people, they “loved” me from the second I walked in. 145ish lbs. yellow years, pale skin, smelt like death and I moved like it. How could you love me? I always thought. I shook so terribly those first few sober days, the coffee would literally jump outta my cup. The language I knew, was barbaric and incoherent. “How is your day sir?” I usually, just nodded and said fine thanks. My mind as so littered with confusion and hatred. How did I get here? How did I let myself go so far? Oh my god, why are these f’n people talking to me? Get out of my space!! Get away from me! How can that person tell so much of my story? He doesn’t know me!
They never left me alone. Being alone was my problem, they wanted to see me succeed. So no one, not one person would accept failure from me. If you’re gonna drink Will, you had better call me first! Many nights I would spend staring into the stars, just trying so hard to not drink. Trying so hard to fight that demon. These people, they promised me. They bloody well PROMSIED me, that I could have a new life. I could be what I want to be. I could get and stay sober. I could earn the respect of my family again. I could be a progressive part of society. I will loose the desire to drink!!. I just had to do the work. I laughed in their face, promise? Promises are what you tell children so the finish their chores, don’t lie to me. They said you’ll see....
A few weeks later, after many shared tears and shouting matches with the walls, I honestly felt the desire to drink just leave me. The higher power I was praying too, that being, really came through. Pulled me a solid, id say. I asked and begged and cried myself to sleep, and I woke up one day, not
wanting to drink, the shakes, the confusion the hatred, all was being lifted up and out of me. I no
longer felt like my cousins suicide was my fault. I decided to get drunk, instead of calling my cousin that night..........like I really, really wanted to. That moment was another fine example of my character, back in the day. I finally accepted and admited my faults to another. Asked for forgiveness and I made a promise to my higher power, that I’ll stay away from the booze, I’ll keep trudging the trenches, I’ll keep being better every day, even it’s just half of a percent.
I’ve kept that promise. I’m not exactly sure when, but after a few years of literal A.A. life support, I was able to stay out into the “real world”. In the sense I never did go to a treatment center of any sorts, except, to go speak at one, when I was like just over a year sober. I learnt so much in that group. I was given a free second chance at life. These people loved me show up, I learnt what emotions were. How anger isn’t always the best idea. Haha. I learnt to respect myself and my soul. I learnt there’s so much more to life than how many bottles of beer can you drink in a sitting. There’s so much out there.
I had this hole still in my soul. It felt like that feeling I used to get before I’d But, in any event, I came across SRKF in a small little gym with my kid some other kids and a couple of smiling black belts. That empty feeling, it went away,, when I sat and watched in the beginning. I joined a few weeks later. The empty hole I felt. Going going gone! That missing link if you may, it was there. I finally, after trying so hard for so long, I finally felt complete-ish. I knew right from the moment I first slipped on my gi, this was what I needed to finally become whom I’m supposed to be.
I want to say that was sevenths years ago. That moment when things started to click for me. When I started to define my purpose on this planet. When I finally started to carve my own path. Kung fu started to give me more confidence and self esteem, like I’d never really had before. It’s takes for more of a person to show restraint and use words than as opposed to breaking someone’s nose. I could never find success with martial arts while I drank, I always found ways to use what I learnt in the streets. But, here was different. SRKF was different. I wanted to learn how to seek and destroy, and I was taught balance and harmony. I wanted to learn how to snap and cripple, but I learnt calm and patience. I guess I am learning what I need to learn. Take me out of the equation, and boy, can I fly. When I’m not running the show, I can do amazing things with my mind and body.
It’s kinda funny, how some of my major moments in Kung fu that will always stick with me happen or around July 2. Honestly, I’ve blogged about them. Ha. It’s nice having moments written down. It’s a great tool we have. This year. I celebrated quietly. Very quietly, upstairs, where it all began. Sure, I’ve had some ups and downs. I’ve been like a dog chasing squirrels. But I’ve always been watching and learning. I’ve been quiet lately, because I’ve been reflecting. Just about everything. Where I was to where I am. Where I’m going, what’s happening. I’ve come to the conclusion. This is an amazing ride. I’ve been blessed more ways than one, and continue to be blessed.
Oh, those promises I talked about?! Every single one of them have come true. I have this amazing gift with so many amazing people, it’s kinda overwhelming at times. I get to see my family, they love me! I have all these friends, they are really cool! Nobodies trying to actually stab me, that’s a huge bonus. When you find friends that won’t actually stab you, you stick with them. No high speed chases. No wilding out and getting violent. Man! That in itself is a promise come true! Hahaha.
So, I guess what I’m trying to say, is happy belated July 2, it’s personally, it’s my favorite day of the year! And, well, thanks for hanging in there and reading that rambling!
Talk to you soon
Mr.Duncan
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