Well, holy sunday is here. You know, its been a little chaotic with a side of short of time this week. Work has been full steam ahead, trying to finish up this roof on the winters gardens at work. But, more importantly, I had the chance to take my kido out on Friday night. Just her and I. That was nice. What a beautiful experience. We went to red robins for dinner. What an experience that was. The energy she emits is wild. The manager was doing her rounds talking to different patrons and eventually got to us. I was floored in what came out of kido's mouth. All she wants to do is help people. Its really heart warming. It was a good time. We finished the night playing mini golf and arcades. Good stuff. And then, today, we texted most of the night. I do enjoy talking to her any way I have.
Well folks, I'm running on fours hours of sleep in the last fourty-eight. I am pretty whipped so I am gonna cut this short. Have a great week and I will see you next Friday night.
Thanks for your time
Mr.Duncan
Sunday, 29 November 2015
Sunday, 22 November 2015
Next Year
Good day to you indeed. I am very happy with my progress this week. The smoking is getting easier and easier. I am on a path of eliminating the cigarettes outta my life. From a pack a day, I am now down to three a week. The little things helped. Self talk, the "I can do this talks" helped a lot. Folding paper cranes helped keep my hands busy, when sitting idle. I started out real strong this week, and kind of tapered off. But, I still managed to do better than almost all year. I kept the smoking to a minimum. And could this be easier with pills and doctor drugs to quit smoking? Probably, but, I am a firm believer, there isn't any thing the human spirit can not defeat. I think back to drinking. I needed human help, not a drug, to essentially replace one habit with the next. I have heard all the arguments, why I should use different drugs or patches. For example, the patch. So, instead of cutting nicotine out of life, I should subject myself to twenty-four hours of constant nicotine running through my system? Yeah, that's ridiculous. Last time I did the patch, I started smoking more, because now, your body wants more nicotine. I even would wake up, in the middle of the night to want to smoke while I was on the patch, because there is so much in my system. So, that idea is just silly. Someone, gave me the argument about the zyban pill. No thanks. I sleep terrible as it is. I do not want a drug to further destroy that. And hey, lets say something like, "doing it on your will power is going so well for you isn't it will?" And looking at my track record this year, yeah it isn't that great. I remember I got some advice on what some persons husbands friend did. So, ,my response is, you haven't fought or battled with addictions before. they said well no, never. Well, your advice is as useful as teets on a bull. If you haven't gone through it, or have never had an addiction then you do not know the fine details. Like the mental aspect of it. That's far greater than the physical addiction. That is what defeats so many people. Myself included. Just because you heard a story of what someone else has done, does not make you an expert. So, the best reprieve I have is, kung fu and folding cranes. Weird I know. Who knew folding paper could be so calming? Not me, that's for sure.
Now, I got to talk about this. I have seen a blog or two about next years I Ho Chaun class. The year of the monkey. Well, I just do not know, if it is in the plan for next year. You see, its a combination of so many things right now. Maybe it is the hectic schedule I have been given lately. Maybe its the financial crush I feel every year at this exploitation of consumerism that is Christmas. I could go off on a wicked awesome rant about Christmas time, but, I will save that for another day. The I.H.C. has given me so much. I have seen and experienced so many ah-ha moments that this is a terribly tough decision. So I weighed the pros and cons of it. There is only two cons that I can think of. The seemingly never ending time away from the family and the financial hit, right at this time of the year. That money amount might not be a lot to some, but it is huge to me and my family. And to spend that kind of cash right now, would take away from the family. Me saying, no kids dad wants to continue to do kung fu, so, your x-mas is really going to suck. Like here is an orange with smiley faces painted on it. Cool, don't eat all two at once. you gotta play with this thing for the year. So I looked at the pros of I.H.C. Well, my entire year thus far has been amazing. Meeting new people. Got to know one or two of you other people. Got to see and be apart of some really awesome experiences. But, I am starting to get the guilt from the kids. "When can we hang out dad?" "Well, let me pencil you guys in for........sunday afternoon, after I do my blog and push up and sit ups and some forms. So I guess sunday night for an hour or two." Then I get the "whatever dad" Hmmm, wait a second, for someone who values his family so much, it doesn't seem like I do, not to them anyways. And hold on, the sacrifices that turn into investments. Yes lets go there, shall we.
The sacrifices we make to be better martial artists, or people, are huge. I realise that. I completely understand the thought, we need to make huge sacrifices to be just a little better. I can not justify all the sacrifices any more. I can not handle the guilt of never being around for them. Work is something I must do at this time. I can not, not work. It is not a sacrifice. It is a necessity at this time. It has to happen. I have turned down some great jobs, so I can keep up with my commitments to the team. Turning down those jobs has hindered the families financial freedom, we normally have, to non-existant. I will soon be at a place where I have to work six possibly seven days a week just to play catch up. And once I make that commitment, then, I simply can not be at the kwoon. The engagement will become tiny, if there at all. I can not say with a clean conscious, yes I will make this commitment to be here as much as I can, and then be there for the team once a month, maybe, if I am lucky. So, my heart tells me, I have had lots of fun playing and building myself, but, the balance is about to kick me square in the groin. I would rather not get kicked in the junk, today or tomorrow. I would like to do the kicking for once. And, honestly, I have to do what is right for the family.
So lets look at the facts for a moment. I Ho Chaun is moving to Thursday nights. Thursday nights are a no go for this cat. Why? Well, I go to AA meetings on Thursday nights. That's the one hour a week I get to re-connect with people like me. One hour a week to reset my sick mind. Those rooms saved my life, my family and gave me a new life. AA made kung fu available to me. AA gave me a reason to not pull the trigger. AA gave me far more than I realise or ever will. Now, to commit to next years I.H.C. I am going to have to miss a lot more meetings. Now, when sheep year started I completely re-arranged my AA program. I eliminated over half of the meetings I attended. That really hurt. In the beginning of sheep year, I near went back drinking. I started taking things for granted, like sobriety, and that may not seem like a deal to some, like what is the big deal with one. And that's the problem, one drink is too many for me. I know me and this program, very well, when it comes to this topic and unless you have gone through the program or are in a very intimate relationship with someone who is in the program, this may just sound like excuses and you will not understand. But, this is as life and death as it gets, for me and millions like me. They are not excuses, these are the facts of life for me. I am cool with that. Why is that such a big deal that I needed to blog on that. Well, I will put it like this, like I have numerous times before. If I do not have AA (sobriety) in my life, I do not get the glorious gifts like kung fu and family and my daughter coming back in my life. Everything I have achieved will be for nothing. If I loose AA, I loose everything. And so, I need to keep priorities in check and straight. I really do not know if I have another alcoholic recovery in me, again. Nor, do I ever want to find out!
So there is the big reasons as to why I may not be there next year. I want to, but when I ask my heart, I hear one word, selfish. Now, that's not to say there are not options out there right. I could ask the team to video record the demo during the classes I will not be attending, so like all the classes, and then I could fill in the blanks as I can at home. But, with saying that, I have seen first hand that hoping to throw someone into the mix that hasn't been around for a while, really doesn't work and everyone can see that. That physical training with the team is absolutely needed. I could completely re-arrange my life again for I.H.C. That's probably not going to happen again, at this point in time. But, I think of when sifu spoke to us on what things used to be like. People travelling many, many miles to attend one meeting then to travel back home to train by themselves. That story alone has kept me on the fence of just saying "forget next year." That brief story alone has brought to light this blog and this very uneasy question to answer.
So, honestly, I just don't know. I have tried to reach out to others like sifu asked us to try, only to fall on deaf ears. That's okay, people are busy. And maybe I did not try hard enough to reach out to others. No worries! But with everything being said, just because I may not join I.H.C. next year, who is to say I still cannot build an escrima form. Or continue to work on my stick form? Or to build my own hand form? Who is to say I cant take the lessons I have learnt from this year and apply them on my own? Sure it is going to be hard on my own, but, at one point or another, we need to get off of sifu's wings and fly on our own. Is that not the point of I Ho Chaun? To learn to grow and fly with out holding someone's hand? Here we learn the lessons and values to be being a true martial artist, but we still need to learn to apply them on our own. It is not like sifu will be around forever for us to hold onto. So maybe this year was about learning to trust myself and next year is going out and completely trusting myself. I can still blog, I can still do the movements, I can still do everything that is asked of I.H.C. I can still get the support of all those who decide to help. Nothing will change except for being part of a team. I have walked the solo road before, and I am okay with that. By yourself come the greatest gifts of all. You find out exactly who you are and what you stand for when faced with situations on your own.
So there I am folks. Honestly, I do not like bring my program to the for-front like this, but, my life's story is for all the see. Transparency is the key to a successful life. Like in the post I put out there earlier this week. If I lead a transparent and honest life, I will be successful. I will be washed in friends and gifts of life. There might seem like I am missing some of the fine details and maybe I am. I probably am, and maybe some of you can help fill me in on things that I am missing. Constructive criticism is a beautiful thing. I hope my concerns are clear, or..... maybe I am just confused.
So, thanks for your time,
Humbly yours
Mr.Duncan
Now, I got to talk about this. I have seen a blog or two about next years I Ho Chaun class. The year of the monkey. Well, I just do not know, if it is in the plan for next year. You see, its a combination of so many things right now. Maybe it is the hectic schedule I have been given lately. Maybe its the financial crush I feel every year at this exploitation of consumerism that is Christmas. I could go off on a wicked awesome rant about Christmas time, but, I will save that for another day. The I.H.C. has given me so much. I have seen and experienced so many ah-ha moments that this is a terribly tough decision. So I weighed the pros and cons of it. There is only two cons that I can think of. The seemingly never ending time away from the family and the financial hit, right at this time of the year. That money amount might not be a lot to some, but it is huge to me and my family. And to spend that kind of cash right now, would take away from the family. Me saying, no kids dad wants to continue to do kung fu, so, your x-mas is really going to suck. Like here is an orange with smiley faces painted on it. Cool, don't eat all two at once. you gotta play with this thing for the year. So I looked at the pros of I.H.C. Well, my entire year thus far has been amazing. Meeting new people. Got to know one or two of you other people. Got to see and be apart of some really awesome experiences. But, I am starting to get the guilt from the kids. "When can we hang out dad?" "Well, let me pencil you guys in for........sunday afternoon, after I do my blog and push up and sit ups and some forms. So I guess sunday night for an hour or two." Then I get the "whatever dad" Hmmm, wait a second, for someone who values his family so much, it doesn't seem like I do, not to them anyways. And hold on, the sacrifices that turn into investments. Yes lets go there, shall we.
The sacrifices we make to be better martial artists, or people, are huge. I realise that. I completely understand the thought, we need to make huge sacrifices to be just a little better. I can not justify all the sacrifices any more. I can not handle the guilt of never being around for them. Work is something I must do at this time. I can not, not work. It is not a sacrifice. It is a necessity at this time. It has to happen. I have turned down some great jobs, so I can keep up with my commitments to the team. Turning down those jobs has hindered the families financial freedom, we normally have, to non-existant. I will soon be at a place where I have to work six possibly seven days a week just to play catch up. And once I make that commitment, then, I simply can not be at the kwoon. The engagement will become tiny, if there at all. I can not say with a clean conscious, yes I will make this commitment to be here as much as I can, and then be there for the team once a month, maybe, if I am lucky. So, my heart tells me, I have had lots of fun playing and building myself, but, the balance is about to kick me square in the groin. I would rather not get kicked in the junk, today or tomorrow. I would like to do the kicking for once. And, honestly, I have to do what is right for the family.
So lets look at the facts for a moment. I Ho Chaun is moving to Thursday nights. Thursday nights are a no go for this cat. Why? Well, I go to AA meetings on Thursday nights. That's the one hour a week I get to re-connect with people like me. One hour a week to reset my sick mind. Those rooms saved my life, my family and gave me a new life. AA made kung fu available to me. AA gave me a reason to not pull the trigger. AA gave me far more than I realise or ever will. Now, to commit to next years I.H.C. I am going to have to miss a lot more meetings. Now, when sheep year started I completely re-arranged my AA program. I eliminated over half of the meetings I attended. That really hurt. In the beginning of sheep year, I near went back drinking. I started taking things for granted, like sobriety, and that may not seem like a deal to some, like what is the big deal with one. And that's the problem, one drink is too many for me. I know me and this program, very well, when it comes to this topic and unless you have gone through the program or are in a very intimate relationship with someone who is in the program, this may just sound like excuses and you will not understand. But, this is as life and death as it gets, for me and millions like me. They are not excuses, these are the facts of life for me. I am cool with that. Why is that such a big deal that I needed to blog on that. Well, I will put it like this, like I have numerous times before. If I do not have AA (sobriety) in my life, I do not get the glorious gifts like kung fu and family and my daughter coming back in my life. Everything I have achieved will be for nothing. If I loose AA, I loose everything. And so, I need to keep priorities in check and straight. I really do not know if I have another alcoholic recovery in me, again. Nor, do I ever want to find out!
So there is the big reasons as to why I may not be there next year. I want to, but when I ask my heart, I hear one word, selfish. Now, that's not to say there are not options out there right. I could ask the team to video record the demo during the classes I will not be attending, so like all the classes, and then I could fill in the blanks as I can at home. But, with saying that, I have seen first hand that hoping to throw someone into the mix that hasn't been around for a while, really doesn't work and everyone can see that. That physical training with the team is absolutely needed. I could completely re-arrange my life again for I.H.C. That's probably not going to happen again, at this point in time. But, I think of when sifu spoke to us on what things used to be like. People travelling many, many miles to attend one meeting then to travel back home to train by themselves. That story alone has kept me on the fence of just saying "forget next year." That brief story alone has brought to light this blog and this very uneasy question to answer.
So, honestly, I just don't know. I have tried to reach out to others like sifu asked us to try, only to fall on deaf ears. That's okay, people are busy. And maybe I did not try hard enough to reach out to others. No worries! But with everything being said, just because I may not join I.H.C. next year, who is to say I still cannot build an escrima form. Or continue to work on my stick form? Or to build my own hand form? Who is to say I cant take the lessons I have learnt from this year and apply them on my own? Sure it is going to be hard on my own, but, at one point or another, we need to get off of sifu's wings and fly on our own. Is that not the point of I Ho Chaun? To learn to grow and fly with out holding someone's hand? Here we learn the lessons and values to be being a true martial artist, but we still need to learn to apply them on our own. It is not like sifu will be around forever for us to hold onto. So maybe this year was about learning to trust myself and next year is going out and completely trusting myself. I can still blog, I can still do the movements, I can still do everything that is asked of I.H.C. I can still get the support of all those who decide to help. Nothing will change except for being part of a team. I have walked the solo road before, and I am okay with that. By yourself come the greatest gifts of all. You find out exactly who you are and what you stand for when faced with situations on your own.
So there I am folks. Honestly, I do not like bring my program to the for-front like this, but, my life's story is for all the see. Transparency is the key to a successful life. Like in the post I put out there earlier this week. If I lead a transparent and honest life, I will be successful. I will be washed in friends and gifts of life. There might seem like I am missing some of the fine details and maybe I am. I probably am, and maybe some of you can help fill me in on things that I am missing. Constructive criticism is a beautiful thing. I hope my concerns are clear, or..... maybe I am just confused.
So, thanks for your time,
Humbly yours
Mr.Duncan
Sunday, 15 November 2015
Square One
Hello everyone. How is your sunday. Good I hope. Mine is going well. So last week, I went on quite the vent session. But, heck man, getting those thoughts outta my mind and into yours felt pretty good. I really do not have a whole lot to talk about this week. From my last blog I received some real good feedback. When I read those comments, it re-affirmed the positive in my growth. The things that really matter. The good things in life. And with so much going on, I haven't been able to calm down and settle my mind. I did not give myself the time or the effort, that I really need to. So, I took some time, and re-wrote my goals and ambitions. Things that I would like to continue to work towards, and things I need to keep working on. I also, tossed some goals that are just not going to happen at this time. The time, effort, and the desire is just not there. The goals I have re-wrote and taken upon, though. Different story. I will continue training hard with stick and kempo. The value of these forms are in-measurable. Took almost six weeks to realise this. Bear with me, I not being egotistical with this, but I am trying to be realistic. Looking at the facts alone.
My stick form, was conceived in my mind. I had really not picked up a stick before I Ho Chaun. There was no youtube, or internet research, on how to articulate this weapon, or strike with this weapon. I did ask for help throughout the forms creation. If I did not know how to do something, I asked for help, then figured it out at home. Came back the next week and asked again. Like my jumping 450 spin. I wanted to learn how to do that, so I asked and asked and practiced. It still needs a lot of work, but six months ago, the spin was a flat on my face moment. I would go home after class and yell at the missus "hey come look and see! Watch this honey" and as bad or as good as it was she encouraged me. She saw I was trying my hardest, and encouraged the energy and the effort. I would take the form to my thinking corner and draw it out. Explore the vectors. Figured out what direction I needed to be spinning. Illustrate each move on paper and then work to put paper into action. I wanted this stick form to be epic. and to others it may not be, but to me, this stick form is epic. A creation from my mind that is positive. I looked back over this week and saw the efforts I put into the thing. I can look back and see the results of that time and effort. I feel good about the form. I am proud of the form. I am proud of myself, for sticking with it and creating that form. Yes I needed help with the moves, but do you think sifu would have done it for me? Would he have built this form just for me? Of course not, they helped and guided, I simply put in the time and effort. So, I mean that's a real cool realisation.
I have been doing probably more thinking then I should have this week, but, something else hit me. All this doubt and pity party crap I have been rolling in lately is due to one thing and one thing alone. My lack of self believe. My lack of trust in my heart. Of my abilities, at work and at the kwoon. So concerned about what others might think or do think, that I forget, I have the ability to do awesome in my tasks. I am a solid ironworker, I am a good dad, husband and I am a good martial artist. I just built a fricken kick ass weapon form. So, of course, I started doing more research on this self-believe. How can I build up my confidence? How do I take that first step? Well, one thing I came to learn is that, I really just need to take that first step. I am so worried about, failing or looking stupid, that I talk myself out of just taking the step. I step up to do something and a huge part of me wants to immediately run away. When, I quit drinking, that was not an easy step, but I did see what was honestly happening, a slow self-induced booze suicide, so I took a leap of faith. So, I know for a fact asking for help is crucial in the first step, but, eventually, I got to take it. The owness really and truly falls on me.
So, a big week in my mind. I have plan written out. I have some time before my next job starts to implement some changes. It is incredibly tough to make alterations when I running around like a man on fire. So, I have the time to stop and ask, does this aid in my crusade? Is smoking going to help me achieve a black belt? How about the drugs. Are they helping in my aid to bring calmness and clarity to my mind? What about my family, how do they aid in my journey? But, not just to say yes or no appropriately, what am I going to do about it? Some things have to just stop, while other things need to stay within my perspective while I walk this journey. I have to do something about my smoking, like I have said before, I have plateaued. And until I quit smoking, I will not hit the next level. This is as good as I will ever be if I keep smoking. Sure, I can get better, but, no, not really, I don't/won't believe it. The drugs, I used to believe I was hitting some higher sense of spiritualism with my buzz, but, those are merely the justifications I use to use. Honestly, if the mind is fuzzy and im thinking about doritos and chocolate milk while trying to "meditate" how much truth will come through? Not much, I have tried, hundreds of times. That one I do not need advice on!
So, this week, I took the advice of all who reached out through the blog and I will implement what I can. I will continue to push on. Realising this one thing alone really helped me out. That happiness and personal satisfaction and wisdom come from the inside. I can not look to my children for my happiness. I can not get personal satisfaction from sifu, nor can I receive wisdom without experience. Experience will not come unless I take that first step. I can throw out all the theories I want, but, like a mad scientist, unless I stand the lighting tower and hook the jumper cables to my own neck, I will not get the experiences I am after. Haha, I like that analogy. Eore is wandering through the graveyard, digging up random graves. I'm like , man where are all the secrets to life. Looking in grave for the secret to life for this monster I am building, when its truly inside of me. My heart. Give that monster my heart and will could turn into a friend, eh?......What?!?! Yeah that sounded way better in my head!
So, things are together-ish. Its all about taking that step again. I remember when we first started this I.H.C. and sifu spoke about getting de-railed, and how hard it can be to get back on track. Yup, had to experience that one first hand. Its good though, things truly are. There is not one thing I want except to learn and grow from this experience. I guess I needed five or six weeks to learn this lesson. Even in that tought, though, sure I lost six weeks of numbers, but the growth was truly inside. Maybe my lesson this year in I.H.C. is to learn to believe in myself. Maybe that's all I am supposed to learn, before I can continue on. I have the theory behind me now, lets put this into action and see what happens.
Well, that's all folks
Have a great day
Mr.Duncan
My stick form, was conceived in my mind. I had really not picked up a stick before I Ho Chaun. There was no youtube, or internet research, on how to articulate this weapon, or strike with this weapon. I did ask for help throughout the forms creation. If I did not know how to do something, I asked for help, then figured it out at home. Came back the next week and asked again. Like my jumping 450 spin. I wanted to learn how to do that, so I asked and asked and practiced. It still needs a lot of work, but six months ago, the spin was a flat on my face moment. I would go home after class and yell at the missus "hey come look and see! Watch this honey" and as bad or as good as it was she encouraged me. She saw I was trying my hardest, and encouraged the energy and the effort. I would take the form to my thinking corner and draw it out. Explore the vectors. Figured out what direction I needed to be spinning. Illustrate each move on paper and then work to put paper into action. I wanted this stick form to be epic. and to others it may not be, but to me, this stick form is epic. A creation from my mind that is positive. I looked back over this week and saw the efforts I put into the thing. I can look back and see the results of that time and effort. I feel good about the form. I am proud of the form. I am proud of myself, for sticking with it and creating that form. Yes I needed help with the moves, but do you think sifu would have done it for me? Would he have built this form just for me? Of course not, they helped and guided, I simply put in the time and effort. So, I mean that's a real cool realisation.
I have been doing probably more thinking then I should have this week, but, something else hit me. All this doubt and pity party crap I have been rolling in lately is due to one thing and one thing alone. My lack of self believe. My lack of trust in my heart. Of my abilities, at work and at the kwoon. So concerned about what others might think or do think, that I forget, I have the ability to do awesome in my tasks. I am a solid ironworker, I am a good dad, husband and I am a good martial artist. I just built a fricken kick ass weapon form. So, of course, I started doing more research on this self-believe. How can I build up my confidence? How do I take that first step? Well, one thing I came to learn is that, I really just need to take that first step. I am so worried about, failing or looking stupid, that I talk myself out of just taking the step. I step up to do something and a huge part of me wants to immediately run away. When, I quit drinking, that was not an easy step, but I did see what was honestly happening, a slow self-induced booze suicide, so I took a leap of faith. So, I know for a fact asking for help is crucial in the first step, but, eventually, I got to take it. The owness really and truly falls on me.
So, a big week in my mind. I have plan written out. I have some time before my next job starts to implement some changes. It is incredibly tough to make alterations when I running around like a man on fire. So, I have the time to stop and ask, does this aid in my crusade? Is smoking going to help me achieve a black belt? How about the drugs. Are they helping in my aid to bring calmness and clarity to my mind? What about my family, how do they aid in my journey? But, not just to say yes or no appropriately, what am I going to do about it? Some things have to just stop, while other things need to stay within my perspective while I walk this journey. I have to do something about my smoking, like I have said before, I have plateaued. And until I quit smoking, I will not hit the next level. This is as good as I will ever be if I keep smoking. Sure, I can get better, but, no, not really, I don't/won't believe it. The drugs, I used to believe I was hitting some higher sense of spiritualism with my buzz, but, those are merely the justifications I use to use. Honestly, if the mind is fuzzy and im thinking about doritos and chocolate milk while trying to "meditate" how much truth will come through? Not much, I have tried, hundreds of times. That one I do not need advice on!
So, this week, I took the advice of all who reached out through the blog and I will implement what I can. I will continue to push on. Realising this one thing alone really helped me out. That happiness and personal satisfaction and wisdom come from the inside. I can not look to my children for my happiness. I can not get personal satisfaction from sifu, nor can I receive wisdom without experience. Experience will not come unless I take that first step. I can throw out all the theories I want, but, like a mad scientist, unless I stand the lighting tower and hook the jumper cables to my own neck, I will not get the experiences I am after. Haha, I like that analogy. Eore is wandering through the graveyard, digging up random graves. I'm like , man where are all the secrets to life. Looking in grave for the secret to life for this monster I am building, when its truly inside of me. My heart. Give that monster my heart and will could turn into a friend, eh?......What?!?! Yeah that sounded way better in my head!
So, things are together-ish. Its all about taking that step again. I remember when we first started this I.H.C. and sifu spoke about getting de-railed, and how hard it can be to get back on track. Yup, had to experience that one first hand. Its good though, things truly are. There is not one thing I want except to learn and grow from this experience. I guess I needed five or six weeks to learn this lesson. Even in that tought, though, sure I lost six weeks of numbers, but the growth was truly inside. Maybe my lesson this year in I.H.C. is to learn to believe in myself. Maybe that's all I am supposed to learn, before I can continue on. I have the theory behind me now, lets put this into action and see what happens.
Well, that's all folks
Have a great day
Mr.Duncan
Sunday, 8 November 2015
Kind of Cloudy Out
So we meet again. On another fine sunday morning. So, wowsers, this year is almost complete. And I looked back at my numbers last week, really set me into a reverse thought process. The guilt I mentioned last week, really took over. I gave that emotion power over myself and then hid under a rock. Silly I know. Quite honestly, where I am today, is I want to leave the challenge. I am tired, sore, and really just do not want to do anything. The pity party is full time right now. I have all sorts of excuses as to why I should leave. All sorts of excuses as to why it is so hard. I really do not like excuses. But, I find myself swimming in them. Parts of my training is coming exceptionally well. Like the emotional content. The inside stuff, is seemingly doing and coming along well. I try to push to be a better person each and every day. But the other side of me wants to freak out. Really I am kind of sick of being so nice all the time. Being nice to random people is not something I have ever strived to do. Except now. Now I have to. I am recording all sorts of A.O.K. but they are starting to seem like empty promises. The heart that should be behind the act of kindness, just doesn't seem to be there.
Ever since the tiger challenge ended, I have that feeling of emptiness. All year the tiger challenge was my goal. That was what I shot for. Now, it is over and I need to wait another eleven months, and I am bored. These blogs are for us to relay where we are and how we are doing and I am bored. Kempo, boring. My stick form, boring. The repetitiveness has turned to an emptiness and I am bored. Normally when I get bored, I move on. Move to the next thing. Today I do realise that boredom is apart of the journey. I have hit a lull, and I need to find a way to stay or get engaged again. Training in Onoway, is lots of fun, because of the randomness of class, but, I am bored. I have hit a lul. And I know, I have been saying for a few weeks that I will get back on track, I will be back up there, where I want to be in the next twenty-four hours. But, I am frustrated because I am bored. So, I picked up a new weapon. Eskrima sticks. I have a hope and a dream that this weapon will, re-encourage me into being awesome with my numbers again. Haha, what a ludacris idea. I am placing my feelings and emotions into two sticks. Like some guy on the street corner shouting over a megaphone "this stick right here is going to make me feel better!! And for a small fee, these sticks can help you too!" Sounds silly and it is. I recognize that.
It does not help that I keep going back to the drugs. I get a two, three weeks in and I say to myself, "It will be different, this time. You will see." I mean, the usage is not as bad as it has been, but it is what is happening in my mind. I figured after the tiger challenge, sure, I can reward myself. Smoke a joint, take the night off. Then I have a great big old bag of dope and smoking that electric lettuce like its going out of style. The frustrations are really exemplified, when using. My cigarette smoking is absolutely infuriating. The guilt from lighting a smoke is holy crap. And I am trying, just not very hard. I have half smokes. I light a smoke take a drag and throw it away. But I am still smoking. Frustrating. I figured I would have at least three or four months by now. Not even an hour. Sometimes I really hate being who I am some days. There are parts of me I cant stand, but, trying to change is such a fear-full event. That's why I don't change. I am scared. Scared of becoming and evolving into something awesome. Sure I am pretty neat right now, but, I could be better. I recognize that throwing a pity party and being the center of attention, is not productive. In fact, it is quite the opposite.
Then, I take a look around and see people like sifu Beckett. Just re-learning how to walk. And she is doing so awesome. She is struggling, but she hasn't quit, not for one moment, not from what I have seen. And then, here I am, feeling sorry for myself because, I am addicted to all the wrong things. Its like, "just get over yourself will. What is your issue buddy?" I am very thankful for the examples that have been put in front of my. Mrs. Bergestrieser, hit by cars, busted knees and she is still rocking out. People are working out of town, and they seems to be doing well. But, all in all, comparing myself to others is not fair to myself. I have never done a challenge like this, so, I guess I can use that excuse. This is my first year, and I think, I have done well, so far. I am nowhere close to others, but I am much further ahead, then I was last year. Even yesterday, I have grown from yesterday. I see that and embrace that idea. I am growing, each and every day. It is all I got lately.
I have had a huge event rock my life, but only because I am allowing this outside circumstance control my happiness. I got to have a hot chocolate and a donut with my little girl yesterday, and the absolute lies and bullshit, that this kid knows about me, that is simply enraging. I used to lock her in dark closets!?! I used to try to choke out her mother!?! No that was her friend. Should have minded his tongue. And that was one time only. Where in the sweet muther trucker did that come from. I used to hurt people, but, my daughter? I don't think so people. Yeah, I was a lunatic, but I took it out to the streets. I only restrained the ex once, after she air mailed a hot cup of coffee to me. Haha! Bad night. Other wise I kept my hands to myself. I grew up in a house like that, and I wasn't going to pull a repeat. One thing I really hate doing is defending myself from lies, because someone resents me. So, awesome, I knew there was some dirt out there about me. I knew there are lies and rumors about me out there, but mess around, with my daughter. Really. Really man. Like I kind of want to find my ex and ask her what is your fricken problem man. Saying that though, how productive would that be. To seep down to her level. No, I wont. But I did try to re-affirm to my daughter, that I am no longer that person. And that is all I did. Whether it is a lie or not, I apologized for my actions and carried on. I broke it down really easy like for her, and told her a soft version of who I was, what happened, and who I am today. I asked for one opportunity to prove I am not that person anymore. And I asked for one opportunity to be her daddy. I wont ever leave her ever again. That just wont happen again.
Because, really, I should not care, what others think of me. But, I do care what my kids think. And that is what happened. My daughter accused me of something that doesn't even begin to make sense, and I need to lovingly repair the situation. Even though its complete crap, I need to fix the issue. With only the truth. With only love. I will not stoop to a mud-slinging, name stomping pissing match. That is not proper, nor does any one benefit, from that. All I teach is ignorance, and all kids learn is hatred. Besides karma, has already dealt with the ex. So, no need to get in there.
I can not blame anyone. I was a loser when I was a kid. And it has been eight years since they have last seen me, and I did not leave anyone with a good impression. So, yeah, all they know is the old me, and that is fine. But, maybe try to stop looking at the past for an idea of who I am. Maybe, try talking to me, and asking me a question. But, maybe, just maybe, they are still scared or nervous to be around me. I mean, I did beat down my ex's brother the very first moment I met him. Caused a bar fight, got banned for a month or something. That was a crazy night. Wild party, I thought it was a wicked night. So, hmm, that's weird, that they don't like me! Good, still paying for my mistakes as a kid. That will never change.
This where I was going to write some paragraph about being re-motivated and look out world here comes will. Maybe I will next week, but I can not and will not keep writing about false prophecies. But, I will keep writing about where I honestly am today
So, there it is folks. You now, know what I know.
Thanks for your time
Humbly yours
Mr.Duncan
Ever since the tiger challenge ended, I have that feeling of emptiness. All year the tiger challenge was my goal. That was what I shot for. Now, it is over and I need to wait another eleven months, and I am bored. These blogs are for us to relay where we are and how we are doing and I am bored. Kempo, boring. My stick form, boring. The repetitiveness has turned to an emptiness and I am bored. Normally when I get bored, I move on. Move to the next thing. Today I do realise that boredom is apart of the journey. I have hit a lull, and I need to find a way to stay or get engaged again. Training in Onoway, is lots of fun, because of the randomness of class, but, I am bored. I have hit a lul. And I know, I have been saying for a few weeks that I will get back on track, I will be back up there, where I want to be in the next twenty-four hours. But, I am frustrated because I am bored. So, I picked up a new weapon. Eskrima sticks. I have a hope and a dream that this weapon will, re-encourage me into being awesome with my numbers again. Haha, what a ludacris idea. I am placing my feelings and emotions into two sticks. Like some guy on the street corner shouting over a megaphone "this stick right here is going to make me feel better!! And for a small fee, these sticks can help you too!" Sounds silly and it is. I recognize that.
It does not help that I keep going back to the drugs. I get a two, three weeks in and I say to myself, "It will be different, this time. You will see." I mean, the usage is not as bad as it has been, but it is what is happening in my mind. I figured after the tiger challenge, sure, I can reward myself. Smoke a joint, take the night off. Then I have a great big old bag of dope and smoking that electric lettuce like its going out of style. The frustrations are really exemplified, when using. My cigarette smoking is absolutely infuriating. The guilt from lighting a smoke is holy crap. And I am trying, just not very hard. I have half smokes. I light a smoke take a drag and throw it away. But I am still smoking. Frustrating. I figured I would have at least three or four months by now. Not even an hour. Sometimes I really hate being who I am some days. There are parts of me I cant stand, but, trying to change is such a fear-full event. That's why I don't change. I am scared. Scared of becoming and evolving into something awesome. Sure I am pretty neat right now, but, I could be better. I recognize that throwing a pity party and being the center of attention, is not productive. In fact, it is quite the opposite.
Then, I take a look around and see people like sifu Beckett. Just re-learning how to walk. And she is doing so awesome. She is struggling, but she hasn't quit, not for one moment, not from what I have seen. And then, here I am, feeling sorry for myself because, I am addicted to all the wrong things. Its like, "just get over yourself will. What is your issue buddy?" I am very thankful for the examples that have been put in front of my. Mrs. Bergestrieser, hit by cars, busted knees and she is still rocking out. People are working out of town, and they seems to be doing well. But, all in all, comparing myself to others is not fair to myself. I have never done a challenge like this, so, I guess I can use that excuse. This is my first year, and I think, I have done well, so far. I am nowhere close to others, but I am much further ahead, then I was last year. Even yesterday, I have grown from yesterday. I see that and embrace that idea. I am growing, each and every day. It is all I got lately.
I have had a huge event rock my life, but only because I am allowing this outside circumstance control my happiness. I got to have a hot chocolate and a donut with my little girl yesterday, and the absolute lies and bullshit, that this kid knows about me, that is simply enraging. I used to lock her in dark closets!?! I used to try to choke out her mother!?! No that was her friend. Should have minded his tongue. And that was one time only. Where in the sweet muther trucker did that come from. I used to hurt people, but, my daughter? I don't think so people. Yeah, I was a lunatic, but I took it out to the streets. I only restrained the ex once, after she air mailed a hot cup of coffee to me. Haha! Bad night. Other wise I kept my hands to myself. I grew up in a house like that, and I wasn't going to pull a repeat. One thing I really hate doing is defending myself from lies, because someone resents me. So, awesome, I knew there was some dirt out there about me. I knew there are lies and rumors about me out there, but mess around, with my daughter. Really. Really man. Like I kind of want to find my ex and ask her what is your fricken problem man. Saying that though, how productive would that be. To seep down to her level. No, I wont. But I did try to re-affirm to my daughter, that I am no longer that person. And that is all I did. Whether it is a lie or not, I apologized for my actions and carried on. I broke it down really easy like for her, and told her a soft version of who I was, what happened, and who I am today. I asked for one opportunity to prove I am not that person anymore. And I asked for one opportunity to be her daddy. I wont ever leave her ever again. That just wont happen again.
Because, really, I should not care, what others think of me. But, I do care what my kids think. And that is what happened. My daughter accused me of something that doesn't even begin to make sense, and I need to lovingly repair the situation. Even though its complete crap, I need to fix the issue. With only the truth. With only love. I will not stoop to a mud-slinging, name stomping pissing match. That is not proper, nor does any one benefit, from that. All I teach is ignorance, and all kids learn is hatred. Besides karma, has already dealt with the ex. So, no need to get in there.
I can not blame anyone. I was a loser when I was a kid. And it has been eight years since they have last seen me, and I did not leave anyone with a good impression. So, yeah, all they know is the old me, and that is fine. But, maybe try to stop looking at the past for an idea of who I am. Maybe, try talking to me, and asking me a question. But, maybe, just maybe, they are still scared or nervous to be around me. I mean, I did beat down my ex's brother the very first moment I met him. Caused a bar fight, got banned for a month or something. That was a crazy night. Wild party, I thought it was a wicked night. So, hmm, that's weird, that they don't like me! Good, still paying for my mistakes as a kid. That will never change.
This where I was going to write some paragraph about being re-motivated and look out world here comes will. Maybe I will next week, but I can not and will not keep writing about false prophecies. But, I will keep writing about where I honestly am today
So, there it is folks. You now, know what I know.
Thanks for your time
Humbly yours
Mr.Duncan
Sunday, 1 November 2015
Peaks and Valleys
Howdy everyone. Another fine day indeed. I really do not know where to start or what to speak about today. I really have been a mountain range this last week. Peaks and valleys like they are going out of style. So, forgive me if my blog is a mess all over the place today. I am not quite sure where or why I am like this. I honestly, believe it has a lot to do with the last few weeks of tornado like events. And, all those events, meeting my daughter, the tiger challenge, and different situations at work, others expectations of me, has added up and has created a completely new person. I am not the same person as I was three weeks ago. I am drastically different. Perceptions and outlooks at life have been gut-checked. My little world was rocked first by my oldest daughter coming into my life. I had asked for help and what would you do questions all over the place. I received all sorts of input and advice, but, I came to realise that of all my friends and acquaintances, I am the first to go through re-introducing ourselves to a lost child. There are many people I know, who have lost children due to drinking or drug problems. Or have walked out of children's lives, or have had their families turn their backs on people like me. So, as helpful as people want to be, there hasn't been very much good stuff I can use to ease into this. But, I realized there is no easy way to ease into this. She is completely different than us. The way she is being raised and her outlooks and perceptions are completely different than me and the wife and boys. So far, all I have is, showing love and kindness. And so far, that is all I have needed to show. There has been times where her and I have been texting and she is so concerned about me having to go to class or whatever and she is just focused on me leaving again. I tried to explain the theory I understand that is staying in the moment. Haha. I could feel the "what the heck is my dad talking about now" through the phone. With saying that, that is all I have to offer. She obviously doesn't want me to leave her again, but, she realises that I have stuff and things to do. So, I can feel her mixed emotions and I understand. One thing I do get, is emotional confusion. But, its all good. I try to stay open and positive for all to see.
I have truly embraced the idea, that our lives are ours to share. That it would be selfish to not tell my story. Okay, I got it. That is something I can do. And the results are truly glorious. I am finding, that, the more open and honest I stay, the more good things happen to me. And not material things either. Gifts that really matter. Friendship, true love. Real, raw emotions. Happiness. I was deep in thought last night and bam like a freight train it hits me. That, my greatest gift to give is my life and my kindness. Not always do I need to give my life to something, but sharing honestly, is giving my life away. When I share with my friends, I am giving them a piece of my life. I am taking the experience, strength and hope of my story and literally giving it to them. Really any one whom asks, I will give a piece of my life. Wow! Never thought it possible. But again, its the small miracles that happen that make our lives worthwhile. And I learnt that, every small tiny thing adds up to something much greater. All these events add up to who I am. And who I am, is a result of all these events and circumstances coming together. The universe or a god of some sort, putting the puzzle pieces in place for me to embrace. I just need to keep on keeping on.
Well, then the physical-ness of my kung fu has not come back to where I want it to, but, I have not made the sacrifices I have in the past to get my numbers back up to one thousand a week mark. But, I have been making progress. Slow and steady I have knocked off another couple hundred push up and sit ups. These motions are exceptionally difficult to do with a thirty pound four month old puppy wanting to play and lay on me. So, instead of getting angry that he is taking away from my training, I embrace him for his love. He is just a puppy I have to remind myself. And he is a fine puppy at that. Other things have taken away time from training. Time with all my kids. Everyone wants to ensure dad is not forgetting about any of them. That's okay, I can step outta my world to ensure my kids are getting enough. Their worlds have been rocked too. I can not forget about them either. But this week, I hope to be different. I truly want to get back to where I was. Like two months ago. Well, I can not go back and have that same experience, but, I can strive for that desire again. Push for those results. And I will. I will get back their. This year is almost finished and there are goals, that I have to accomplish and work on, yet. Feels overwhelming, but it is. Only because I left things to the back burner for so long. Now, things are adding up and guilt has started to creep in. Changes are in order, and hopefully, with lots of hard work, changes will take place.
Saturday, I was in a mood. Willie just wanted to smash. After dragon practice, someone asks me, "hey man you all right?" There was sincerity in his voice. It sounded like he really cared, and that one small question alone, helped make me feel better. That one question took me out of my funk and into service if you might. I have a theory that if someone asks an honest question, then I must give an equally honest answer. It doesn't mean I get to be rude and freak out, but return the friendliness I was given. So, thanks Mr.Kohut for simply asking how I was doing. It felt nice to feel someone caring enough to work up the courage to ask if I needed help. I know I am not the most friendly looking, when I get into a funk. Even talking to myself when I get like that can be scary business!!
So, why am I all over the place. I think it is trying to sort out all these new emotions. Trying to understand what these new events and circumstances mean and entail in my life. Then how do I fit everything together. It is a lot to comprehend and even more to fully understand. I almost always go into an emotionally roller coaster after something changes or happens in my life. The best part is working through all this jazz to find out who I have changed into. Who am I today, if you might. I do accept the challenge, and with time and practice, the roller coasters will be less and less frequent. Things will level out. I know they will, its just a matter of forward motions.
Well, I think that is everything for now.
Humbly yours
Mr.Duncan
I have truly embraced the idea, that our lives are ours to share. That it would be selfish to not tell my story. Okay, I got it. That is something I can do. And the results are truly glorious. I am finding, that, the more open and honest I stay, the more good things happen to me. And not material things either. Gifts that really matter. Friendship, true love. Real, raw emotions. Happiness. I was deep in thought last night and bam like a freight train it hits me. That, my greatest gift to give is my life and my kindness. Not always do I need to give my life to something, but sharing honestly, is giving my life away. When I share with my friends, I am giving them a piece of my life. I am taking the experience, strength and hope of my story and literally giving it to them. Really any one whom asks, I will give a piece of my life. Wow! Never thought it possible. But again, its the small miracles that happen that make our lives worthwhile. And I learnt that, every small tiny thing adds up to something much greater. All these events add up to who I am. And who I am, is a result of all these events and circumstances coming together. The universe or a god of some sort, putting the puzzle pieces in place for me to embrace. I just need to keep on keeping on.
Well, then the physical-ness of my kung fu has not come back to where I want it to, but, I have not made the sacrifices I have in the past to get my numbers back up to one thousand a week mark. But, I have been making progress. Slow and steady I have knocked off another couple hundred push up and sit ups. These motions are exceptionally difficult to do with a thirty pound four month old puppy wanting to play and lay on me. So, instead of getting angry that he is taking away from my training, I embrace him for his love. He is just a puppy I have to remind myself. And he is a fine puppy at that. Other things have taken away time from training. Time with all my kids. Everyone wants to ensure dad is not forgetting about any of them. That's okay, I can step outta my world to ensure my kids are getting enough. Their worlds have been rocked too. I can not forget about them either. But this week, I hope to be different. I truly want to get back to where I was. Like two months ago. Well, I can not go back and have that same experience, but, I can strive for that desire again. Push for those results. And I will. I will get back their. This year is almost finished and there are goals, that I have to accomplish and work on, yet. Feels overwhelming, but it is. Only because I left things to the back burner for so long. Now, things are adding up and guilt has started to creep in. Changes are in order, and hopefully, with lots of hard work, changes will take place.
Saturday, I was in a mood. Willie just wanted to smash. After dragon practice, someone asks me, "hey man you all right?" There was sincerity in his voice. It sounded like he really cared, and that one small question alone, helped make me feel better. That one question took me out of my funk and into service if you might. I have a theory that if someone asks an honest question, then I must give an equally honest answer. It doesn't mean I get to be rude and freak out, but return the friendliness I was given. So, thanks Mr.Kohut for simply asking how I was doing. It felt nice to feel someone caring enough to work up the courage to ask if I needed help. I know I am not the most friendly looking, when I get into a funk. Even talking to myself when I get like that can be scary business!!
So, why am I all over the place. I think it is trying to sort out all these new emotions. Trying to understand what these new events and circumstances mean and entail in my life. Then how do I fit everything together. It is a lot to comprehend and even more to fully understand. I almost always go into an emotionally roller coaster after something changes or happens in my life. The best part is working through all this jazz to find out who I have changed into. Who am I today, if you might. I do accept the challenge, and with time and practice, the roller coasters will be less and less frequent. Things will level out. I know they will, its just a matter of forward motions.
Well, I think that is everything for now.
Humbly yours
Mr.Duncan
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