Well, this is real weird. The blogging on a Thursday, but hey, I got something to say. So, lately, I don't know. I've just been kinda messed up. Not really sure on where to go or what to do. Things in my professional life are at its worst. I have this kinda love to hate my career path. It feels like I've been living a fricken lie most of my life. I don't know what I'm after right now. There's literally no sustainable work for me. There's a shut down coming up, and another big money gig that I can chase. But here's the thing. I'm sick and tired of chasing the money. I'm sick and tired of running in circles for money. I know I'm kinda sounding like a wiener. I know, but, it's fucking true. A man can only handle so much chatter before the chipmunk gets it. And this mind is on over drive.
Listen, i am very thankful for my career. All the people I met. All the times I've had with these different walks of life. I have had a lot of fun hanging and banging iron. I truly love that job. But, honestly, I don't want to anymore and why should I? It's not why I was put on this Earth. It's not, Im not sorry. Truth is, is I'm not sure what is my reason. To be the best I can be at everything I do. Check. Trying to, working on it. Some days are for shit but others, others are the reason why I keep pressing forwards. The little things in life ya know?
So, I've been soul searching and thinking and pondering, and I wasn't getting anywhere. I was finding the skills I have, but, I was only focused on why I couldn't bring skills over from ironworking to another gig. And I was baffled. Still kinda am, note, my randoms through this blog! I was going in circles with my conversations and all because I don't understand! I don't get anything other than the ironworking world. Even the rest of the trades, the construction world, honestly, I don't care about. I've straight up with lots of don't belongs on the job site. Besides that, I keep minimal contact with the outside world, I don't like it when people I don't know, know my name. How the do you know me? Me and my mindset are fucked up. The way I think and see things versus what and how things work in the rest of the world. It's all sorts of off. I would have done great in the Wild West! Shit yeah. Ol' dead eye Willie. Except I would have been blind. (No eye surgery back then!) Gladiators!! Yeah!!
Wow, all of that up there because, I have no idea on writing resumes and cover letters. I know there's help. It's stupid. That's right I said it. It's stupid. Hahahaha. Basically because I don't understand why! I just don't get it sometimes. It's not stupid. Nothing is I guess, it's just understanding. I'm not a dumb guy. I just don't understand the language and I'm English speaking. Like, that's what I talk..... The need for evolution is here.
It's okay though. The awareness is there know. I do get the picture and in my experience, it's always stormiest before the calm! And if one or two rants and a blogfest is all Willie's freak out consists of today, oh wow! My reaction I can control, and I can fix that. That's great. That is progress and change. I just need more of it. I know one day I be as calm as calm is, but this is growth. Only two whack days! Not bad buddy, not bad at all!! Pat on the back. Oh if you only knew! Yeah, I third person myself I know. I'm kind of impressed on the ability to grasp and calm and breath I've managed to muster. Man was there a time. That's all wrapped up now though. That time is gone and over.
Fucking fear. It pisses me off. You know? I don't know, I can only speak for me. But fear it's a weird one. I've lived down there for years and I near died a lot, and today, there's parts that won't budge. I'm so scared to fail, that, it's just goes on repeat. You'll fail. You'll fail. Man, you don't try to listen, but, it's that little fucking squirrel again. Going on and on and on and on. Fire trucks!
I don't know, though, maybe I shouldn't say nothing. Maybe.....hehe
So, here's a curve ballio. I think all and all, it's been a good day. Egos hurt. Pride got kicked in the balls. I'm not getting my way, basically, everything I need to see before I will change. There's a few steps further if more drastic measures are needed, but, I get it. Im good, this is shitty enough. I'm a stubborn sob some days, but that's serves a purpose too. Just not today or tomorrow. I'm not scared to look at my part in the event, it is the work towards restoration that sucks sometimes.still, we trudge the road towards happy destiny" yeah we do! These are pivitol times and what my next step is scary, but, is the one that matters. There's no glue there anymore. Still, I've done what I can for today, tomorrow I will pick up my wreckage and start again. I'll try again. I'll never stop trying to get better. Not going to happen. Again, I'll muster my courage and try again. Maybe ask for more help? Maybe do more breathing? Hopefully, I can catch myself earlier in the moment and put a hold on things? Yeah, let's just start with breathing......
Well, internet survey says; I'm insomniac tonight and I'm should watch some Lucha Underground. It's a Fantastic show! It's like way better than wwe, fast hard hitting and it's Lucha! Crazy Mexicans flying around the ring in all sorts of fashions. It's visual happiness baby!
See ya around
Mr.Duncan
No comments:
Post a Comment