Finally

 well well well, what is ging on people?!? Today is a good day. it has been a great few days. Like really good. My beautiful daughter has reached out to me again. She is an adult now, so, i really hope things are different. She is able to decide for herself. 

I gave her my side of the street. And mixed emotions. Thats about all i can expect. I havre never been there for her, and she just wants her dad around. I simply want my daughter by my side. Thats it man. That is all i have ever wanted from her. 

I do not know what to really say anymore. I have explained myself so many times to so many people. Only once have i been ablee to have a honest conversation with my kid. She wanted to know, why i hated her, and nevere wanted her around. Oh man, so far from true, but she doesnt know any better. All she has ever known is hatred and anger towards me. And kind of rightfuly so. i have owned up to my part. I have squared up with my higher power. I have asked for my higher powers forgiveness. I looked myself in the mirrorr and had that chat. you know the one. The one that you have with yourself about when that person comes back into your life. What your gonna say, how you are going to say it. All is good. Final step is to ask for forgiveness from the only one that can offer it to me, and that is my daughter.

i am trying, but, i can not explain or express this over and over and over. Eventually, if we want to have a life together, we have to take that leap and jump in together. That is my kid and i shit the bed in her childhood....I can at least try my damnest now that she is an adult. 

I am so unsure of what to do to be honest. I missed everything, and yeah, that eats a guy up. Man, its tough to accept. Honestly, i have accepted it. Did that a long time ago to be honest. I simply had to move on. Fucking dying inside, loosing my mind, driving me absolutely insane. I barely know her, but, none the less, i love her immensely. 

Maybe that is why i try so hard with my boys. I do not know. I do not want to loose them, like what happened with my daughter. My family is a real big reason as to why i sobered up. I did do it for me, first and foremost, but they get the rewards, as much as I. 

It is another reason why i hesitate when getting to know people. Always scared everything I confide will get turned into a weapon against me. To be honest, that is why I have never shared my full and complete story with anyone. I have always only done sections of my life with different people. If you were to talk to around 15 people, you might have the whole story.  Never have i shared my whole story with any one person or group. Yes, even my wife, i have always held back. I mean, i have started to share more and more with her, but, always reserved. 

I am a firm believer that this step, is the next step we need to take to move on. Always i have known that this most likely will suck at first. For a few months, but, I have always felt, that we will heal and move on together. Well, I would like to hope anyhow. 

Hope, the light at the end of the tunnel, impossible to achieve until death. That word is the demise of momentum. 

Any which way

Thanks for your time

Mr.Duncan