Starting Over

   Yo, how is it today?  Today, I am soaring up high and falling down low. Today I have been up since 9:30, slept right in today, but, already have had a few reminders of why its awesome to be sober. Why its so awesome to be a part of I Ho Chaun. Why life is so flippen amazing. I am truly blessed. But, with those wonderful thoughts and feelings, come the complete opposite side of the coin. I feel great, ready to smash today right outta the ball park.... and then the addictions kick in and try to bring me down. I looked at that emotion today as soon as I felt it trying to rob me of my happiness and smashed it in the face. Yelled at it get outta here. You are not welcome anymore. Then it got worse. I could feel the depression trying to weasel its way into my heart and spirit. Completely stealing any serenity I had for the morning.  I met a negative emotion with negativity. Thus, making things worse. So I pulled back. Reigned in the anger and embraced the negative with love. I told myself that it is okay. Lets stay straight for today. Lets stay straight for just this one hour, and will deal with eleven o clock when it comes. I told that side of me that I love it. I remember that without that side of me, I would not be who I am. Okay, pull back. read a chapter out of Peace is in every step. Okay. Lets go find a flower that has my smile and ask if I can have it back. That's right I talked to a flower and asked to borrow its smile. I got right into that one singular flower. Embraced its smell, its color and its reason for being on this earth. More specifically, in my yard, sharing its beauty with my family. Making the yard far more beautiful. and gosh darn it, I feel friggen amazing right now. No, that's not a powerful enough word. Hold on, I am going to google amazing and get another word. Be right back!! Spectacular!!! Heck yeah. There it is. Spectacular is how I feel at this moment.
  
    I have these awesome tools to re-start my day. I know exactly how to change my day. When my mind starts to race with the addictions and alcoholism, everything becomes blurred. I loose all perception of where I am going and what am I doing.  It is so frustrating. Then frustration leads to anger. Anger leads the way for more frustration out of being angry. Can you see the insanity of the terrible circle? Its like a dog trying to catch that car. Will never happen and if it does catch the car. The results are disastrous. I try very honestly to be as transparent as I can be. I truly want others to understand and see what it is like for and alcoholic/addict to go through a "normal" day. My journey is not special. It is not unique. How I choose to deal with my addictions and express them is kind of unique. I have got to continue to be accountable on all levels, to the team and others if I wish to see continued success. I do not want secrets. They have killed my before. So...... I need to tell you guys something. I do not want to tell you this, but, I can't go back down that road again. Muther lover, I really do not know if I have another full blown recovery left in me. Here it is.                                      I have been using drugs, a lot again. For the first month of this journey, I was one hundred percent clean. But, all the extra stress of meeting these goals and trying to be a better person started to strangle me. I was unable and un-willing to express that with you guys months ago. Slowly the usage got more and more and eventually, it consumed me in everything I was doing. If I was not at work, I was using.  Coming to class high, couldn't wait to get back to my car so I can smash that spliff into my lungs and make everything "go away". The thing about getting high, is you have to come down sometime. Can not hide in a cloud forever. So there it is.... I did not write that and tell you that for sympathy or to create excuses for my lack of engagement. I do not want people to feel bad for me for my terrible life decisions I made; even with this amazing journey at hand. I knew exactly what I was doing. I knew exactly how it would tear me apart. But I lied to myself and said, "not this time. I can safely use....this time." What really fires me up is why in the heck would I say that? I know the dangers and the downs that can come and hit me right where it really hurts. In the spirit. When I use, I don't do very much kung fu. When I get high, everything can wait. Everything! Friends, family, kung fu, goals, commitments, work, life. It all gets in the way of using and abusing. So i push everything out of the way of using. I can not believe I am writing this and am more than willing to post it. What has this I Ho Chaun done to me?

   I am listening to a compilation of Mackelmore and Eminem right now. There are a few songs that I have been holding onto very tightly. Other side, Starting Over, Legacy. I hold so tightly to the emotion and the hope those artists exhibit in their music. And the thought screams in my mind. " I love and admire them for their honesty. If I want success like those guys, well, get honest. And do it now! Quit wasting everyone's time and energy. Quit lying to yourself and your friends and just be honest. These guys can thrown their lives under the micro-scope for 7.5 billion souls on this planet to see and dissect. Why can't you do that for thirty-two people?"  When I wrote the paragraph above, I had Guts over Fear on repeat. Man, I did not want to confess that to the team. I wanted to keep that, "happy" mask on and just write some bullsh!t about some bullsh!t today. But, I physically could not. The thought of that made me sick. Seriously, what has happened to me? That's a question that I can not find the answer, so I am throwing it out here. I used to enjoy hurting people, now, it hurts me to even think of doing that to someone. I used to think, mind your own business. This is my life, and I am private about my life. So never mind. I will tell you when it concerns you. Sound familiar anyone? But, I then have set a limitation to how much I can grow and evolve. So there you go team. That is exactly where I am at today. Again, I am very grateful for all of you. Especially those who have reached out to me, and have built beautiful friendships.
  
   So the next thing is, what am I going to do about it? Man, I don't know. All I know, is persistence. One foot in front of the other. I will push through this. Listen, I have beat crack-cocaine and alcohol. Both had me face down in the mud suffocating the life out of me. Now, look at this, here addiction comes at full speed,  racing at me, OK, you still wanna mess with me 'eh? Snatch that s.o.b. out the car through the window addictions screamin' NO! I body slam them on the cement until the concrete gave. And created a sink hole, buried the addiction in it, then paid to have the street repaved. One more demon to bury. That is all. This one will take time, like the other two. I am re-stating a fact to myself. HA! Take that! Mess with me again. This is the last time we do this dance. Fired up? More like, angered to the point of doing something about it. Get in the way of my kung fu and goals. No! No more. Get outta the way or crazy willie will come back out and then we are all in for it. Is that what you want addictions? Is it? Think about what you are trying to do to me. Actually. It is what I am choosing to do to myself. Ahhhh! Don't loose it. Hold it together man. We can do this today. Don't let the insane side out today. I must practice persistence today. It is not a good idea to let "him" out today. I am not spiritually there today. That would be disastrous. So I write this blog for like two hours now. I stay here with my teammates. I always find peace with you guys.


   So, wow, that was a lot of the mind and chest. Thanks for this opportunity Sifu Brinker. What a day. So, numbers this week. Not bad. Actually I did fairly well. There where places I should have done better, but I got high instead! So, always room for improvement. But I brought the shadow boxing and combos back up to where they should be. I stayed in the moment, for the most part, while on the heavy bag. Speed and efficiency came quickly. The intentions were in the right place, thus, hitting the heavy bag felt awesome. Taking what, I was shown in class and placing into a sense of realism on the heavy bag in the garage felt great. I do love kung fu. It is so awesome!! Kung fu has given me a sense of purpose. Kung fu gives me another reason to live and strive to be better. And yes sometimes, the family is not enough initiative to shine. Forms seminar is coming up quickly, and what was said and what I heard were two completely different things. I was told you can learn any form you want. I heard go onto youtube and pick some random form that is really awesome and ask if you can learn that one!! haha. Silly, but I have a plan and lets see if it works out.
  
   Finally, I do apologise for the language I have used today. I did curse and swear a couple of times. I do not mean to offend anyone, but, I do not have the vocabulary to explain some of this stuff. I truly did the best I could. And I had to get this stuff out. Please understand, everything came from the heart, with the right intentions. And I am doing the best that I can. It can be hard to deal with life when living with these demons and people think you are crazy. I am crazy and I have embraced that. Now, I need to deal with this. Awesome a new disaster. I have made the confession, so now, it is beyond real. Now, I have to do something about this. And it is easier to swallow now that it is real.  My last two blogs were building up the courage to todays blog, so thanks for being here team! You guys rock!!


Thanks for your time
Humbly yours
Mr.Duncan