Reality Check

Well, its sunday again and that means work is tomorrow. What a wonderful time we as a family has had. Lots of days hanging in pj bottoms and playing. Its those times that really make me grateful to be a dad. Its time spent like that, that make me proud. I was able to spend time with kido, that's always a great time. Times like the above mentioned are only as amazing and awesome because they are so far and few between. Its been a while since I could just sit and play on the floor. Always something or somewhere to go. Not this break. I put the phone away and was only worried about what was happening here in my home. That's was the gift.  The gift of my family.
    We used this break as an opportunity to fight off colds and sickness, and to just plain rest. I feel awesome. Slept in and stayed up late, with coffees and nerf wars. Or we would build legos. Or deck hockey or skating, you see what I mean. What a time it was, as well. Monopoly until eleven on new years. Everyone is re-charged, myself included.
   Today, is the reality check. Here I am says the world, gently knocking on the front door. Right, then tomorrow is the front door getting kicked in!!! haha. I feel good. Today is the last day of smoking. Ha. Awesome. Its okay though. There is still this huge side of me, just screaming at me, like "what are you doing, no no. you neeeed to get smokes man. How will you cope with your day?" Its gonna be okay. My body does not want to smoke anymore. I feel sick when smoking but, for this              un-benounced reason, my mind is force feeding me smokes, and I have played along. I have really taken note on my habit and triggers. With certain tasks, I can alleviate the feelings and urges, but, the thought, there's no way I can go without smoking for like a day. That's insane, would sneak in. So I would "save" my smoking for the evening. But in my mind its five-o-clock, somewhere! These two weeks, I have had a great chance to really notice the triggers. And wow, there are a lot. With a lot of these habits and triggers, I really see the pattern behind them now. As much of an insight it might be its still a filthy little habit. A lot of the things I thought I figured out about smoking, while smoking, where things I already knew. Its just the action the has me handcuffed. My in-ability to stop lighting them little sticks if death.  I have had little victories, like, a week, or a couple of days, but, I always run back to them. Its so weird. I have given my self-control and self-will to a little thing. Lets think about this for a second. This little bundle of tobacco and chemicals wrapped in a piece of paper, that's smaller than my pinkey, has so much power over me. I can crush twenty-five in one hand, at once, but, I can not, not smoke them? What is that? So, all the hype, all the hot air I have pushed outta my face comes down to tonight. I feel good about this day. I feel confident in my decision. I will beat this like I did every other addiction. I really am sick of dropping the ball here. One day at a time, but more importantly, one moment at a time.
   Once I have the moments figured out then maybe, I can worry about the future.


Okay dokay everyone, I am gonna peace out for the day. I will see you soon.
Thanks for your time
Mr.Duncan