Well, well, well. It's Sunday Sunday again. And what a day it is. Feeling the aftermath of the sheep banquet, is well, nothing less than inspiring. I felt that hole, or that emptiness Sifu warned us about, as soon as I opened my eyes this morning. Immediately after, I felt the screw that thought, this is not happening. Continuing my journey into the monkey year, I thought, no, we have goals to obtain. We have things I am going to do this up coming year. And finally, I can shut the door completely on the sheep year.
Shutting the door on sheep does mean, I no longer feel bad or hard on myself for falling short on so many of my goals. But it also means I no longer have to worry about those goals. They are not looming over me and crushing my heart and destroying my mind. With that being said, the lessons. The real meat and potatoes of any journey. The lessons I will always carry with me for the rest of my life. The lessons from sheep year will always stay with me and I can always look back and go "ah yeah, I tried this already and I did or did not work for me." Building blocks. Last year I started on the ground. Today I start a few feet higher than last year.
I had numerous struggles and numerous ah yeah moments in the sheep. The sheep year, for me, has been one of the best years of my life. It's an incredibly close second on my first year sober. There where times where I wanted to burn things to the ground and yell out a war cry. You know, put on the war paint and run around town just ruining everyone's day! There where also many times where I felt on top of a mountain and screamed out a war cry, looking up into the clouds, I'm coming for you next Zeus. Dodging lighting bolts and moving in for the final strike. Pounding my chest like a scene from King Kong. Swatting at planes like they are mosquitoes. Making the gods themselves second guess their existence in this world. Actually, that's how I feel today. King fricken Kong. King Kong with escrima sticks and the spirit of the great dragon. Except this year, I hope to not fall from the Empire State Building. I wish to jump from that one to a taller building. Or maybe I'm gonna tear that building down and body slam it not into the street. Oh no. Right through the street into the underworld. Right onto whatever god's head that runs the underworld.
Yeah that's right. Will's back. Finally! I feel like myself. But, I'm different. Different in so many ways. New vocabulary. New mindset. New goals. And new friends. Being a loner my whole life. It's weird having people I can call friends. Real weird. Thursday night I went out of my way to meet new people. That was weird. But it felt great. Last night I went out of my way to meet more new people. Awesome.
Earlier in the week, I was feeling pretty down about myself. So, I leaned hard on someone I consider more than a friend. A bff. Hahaha. A bff! That's funny. But, seriously, I needed help and I asked for it. He gave me great ideas and suggestions for getting a plan together and working that plan. So today, on our "day off" I'm decorating my garage/training hall. I'm going to get a schedule stapled to the wall. This is what I'm working on on moday, then on Tuesday. And really and truly focus on today and today alone. I got so confused and mixed up looking towards the end of the goals that I ruined or completely missed parts of the learning experience. And thus, created a lot of resentments. Knowingly or not, it's not cool. That's okay though. I had to go there to learn the lessons again. It's like hitting head on a wall, and , eventually I will break through that wall. A constant re-occurring theme for me. The only excuse I have for myself is laziness. Of course life is going to throw curve balls and try to take out my knees. That's where I need to counter with a check kick and a flying roundhouse. How you like them apples life? You didn't get me this time!!
One goal, that needs to happen is my smoking addiction. The addiction, I'm okay with. I have come to terms with it. It's the habits that are in there. For example. I have a snack or a meal, boom, time to smoke. Or, I sit idle for a mere moment, boom time to smoke. My hands get twitchy, time to smoke. Last year, I focused on the awareness of my habits and wow, there are so many, that just pop up or appear. Twenty years of this poison and habit, that so much is just built into myself. I have been starting to focus on what happens when I do smoke. What happens to my lungs, throat heart and brain. It honestly makes my body sick. But that mind, man oh man, that mind. I can feel the end of smoking and I run from it. I create all sorts of excuses and reasons as to why I should not quit, that I defeat myself. And that, my friends, is infuriating. So, I'm going to the doctor to get some pills. I honestly detest pills. I will use the word hate there. I do hate taking pills. I have spoken to lots of people about the addictiveness of these pills and they have all assured me, they are not addictive. And I think, yeah well, I couldn't stop taking Advil, because I liked the feeling it gave me so much. And Advil isn't supposed to be addictive at all. From what I understand. So, to heck with it and my ego. Get the pills, follow the directions and really focus on not taking four or five at a time. You are like what? Really. Advil and smoking aids scare you because of addictive nature. Heck yeah. I get addicted to almost anything I don't want to. And it's my addictive nature not the pills. I got addicted to oxy's after only a few pills. I smashed my thumb with a sledgehammer and three weeks later, I NEEDED more! Now! Gimme them pills before I take them from you!! So again, I need to look inside and change what is going on inside. Change my perspective, my outlook, whatever I want to call it. But change needs to happen before smoking goes away!
Okay well, before I head out, congrats to everyone. The new black belts, the new higher ranking black belts and to everyone else. You guys are all my inspiration and I greatly thank everyone for your example and your awesomeness. Hopefully one day, I can be as awesome as all of you.
Well, that all for now folks.
Humbly yours
Mr.Duncan
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