Re-evaluating

Hello everyone. How is your day? Good I hope. So right to it then. Today I woke in a foul, foul mood. I did managed to get out of my head,  but not with out having quite to argument inside my melon. It is kind of funny now, but, a little embarrassing. Over these last few years of rebuilding myself, I have learnt that spring can be a bad season for me. This season was one that I really got carried away in the partaking aspects of my life. Always in the spring, numerous run ins with the police, always in spring, I would do or act in a sense that just smashed everything in my path. Always, in the spring, was I back in the pubs, looking for or getting into trouble. Seemingly, with everything growing and turning green, I get terribly excited. So excited, that I can not calm down. It is hard to explain with out delving overly deep into my history. Spring, in my adult life, always brought un-desired results, brought on by insane actions and thoughts. I could never calm down, so, in order to calm down, I would use and abuse to find calmness in my mind and soul. Unfortunately, all I ever achieved was chaos. Now, do not get me wrong, I absolutely love spring, but old habits and thoughts, can sometimes wreak havoc in my sick mind. I have the tools I need to turn my day around, sometimes I do not use them. I choose to ignore the things I have to do in order to stay sane. No longer can I claim ignorance. Today, it is a decision to stay irritable, discontent and un-happy. You know what, sometimes, it seems that I like to roll in my own pile. That's insane, folks. I know what's wrong, I know what to do, but, I choose to ignore and continue trying to do things my way. Look out I am making and loving my chaos!!
    Some backwards thinking came to me as was I standing in my back yard looking at all the things I accomplished yesterday. Yard is cleaned up and raked, fertilized. I built a three stage compost bin for the missus. Taught my boy how to properly swing a real hammer. I was very busy yesterday and accomplished a fair amount. For some insane reason this morning, I told myself, that I did not do anything. Because I sluffed off kung-fu yesterday. No forms or reps, not even a push-up. And I truly did not sluff anything off. I was fricken busy man. I left the house for lumber, at 930 yesterday morning and did not come back in to the house, until almost 10 pm. It was a really good and productive day. It really was. But I thought, I sucked yesterday because I did not do any kung-fu and I did not get more stuff done. And it is, thoughts like that, that really hurt the heart and frustrate the mind. Things like that, I know, set me back spiritually and emotionally. From there, I let the "isims" take over and destroy my confidence. That frustrates me, like you may not understand. I try to smile and take it in stride, and move on in my day. But sometimes, like today, I allow sick thoughts, to control my happiness, and not just be happy, because I am alive.
   With that being said, I do, honestly, welcome the challenges of life. Why, because it is fun. I enjoy a good challenge as long as I remember to just be a little better then yesterday. When I Ho Chaun started, I was very fit in all three aspects of my life. The physical, emotional and physical part of my being. With this challenge, so far, I have focused more on physical, more than any thing else. Which there is not anything wrong with that, but, I almost completely neglected the other two aspects of my being. Which is not good. Not for me. I have delved and read and researched to further enhance the spiritualism, but with no real teeth behind the bite. A quick understanding, and move on, thinking, I will get deeper into that when the moment re-appears. When thinking like that, realize, the moment has already passed. Looking into the future, for an opportunity, instead of fully embracing it at the time. Squandered that moment away, with hopes and dreams. Emotionally, I have not done any work towards bettering myself, in that sense. That is not very good either.
   So, with my blog of last week and these continuing psychotic thoughts, I need to re-evaluate a lot. My schedule is all over the map right now. I can not get anything grounded and the only thing I can think about is how crappy I am doing. Some days it feels like I am drowning again. Drowning, in a sea of negatives and what if's. Yo, I feel like the Hulk right now. Not wanting the monster to take over, because it scares me, but yet, the monster inside constantly re-appears. I now, know why the hulk is so angry all the time!!  I said to a friend the other day, that this challenge is testing to see how strong spiritually I am. And I meant it, to the bottom of my being. My stupid mind tells me I am doing terrible, but my heart and my numbers tell me I am doing very well. I am very happy and proud of the things I have done so far, but for some reason I want to get all negative nancy on my progress. AHHHHH! Want to scream, no I want to loose my mind all over the place. Have a little melt down, of monumental proportions. I would feel better, but boy, would that be counter-productive. I will not do or act like that anymore. So its back to trying to smile and just keep on keeping on, man. Ask for a lot of help, pause when agitated, but, I can not have myself breaking down the way I used to. Man that is scary business. I think of it like this. I am only one melt down away from going back to whom I used to be. Only one moment, of un-awareness and lack of self-respect, and I can kiss the last 3.75 years goodbye. I will not do that.  How could I throw everything I have worked for away, for what, for some selfish reason, spit in the face of my kids and family. Purposly, throw the fight that so many people want to see me win. I can not do that. I am worth it, I just need to remember those four little words. As we all are worth it!!


Well, that is it for today,
thanks for your time
Mr.Duncan