Light It Up To Burn It Down

    Good day everyone. What a wonderful day today. I made pancakes for breakfast. Took Bane for a walk and did some playing. What an amazing day thus far. With this dog, Bane, I am really focusing on my intentions. Being very confident in what I ask of him. A lot like the horsemanship program I attended earlier in the summer. I feel, the horse program, really helped prepare me for this dog. Oh right I posted yesterday his name was Kane. My boys liked Bane as a name better. So, Bane it is. Especially a dog that was breed to be a silent guard dog. I have read that bullmastiffs were bread to help park wardens keep track of poachers. They wont bite or attack, but they will pin and hold down the poachers. So, I mean, that is really awesome. Bane has merely wanted to play and be someone's friend. We are trying our best to be his friend. To make him feel loved and apart of our family. It has been fantastic thus far. I am very confident this positive experience will continue for the next ten to twelve years.
   
    Now, I must admit, I have been floundering at best these last two weeks. I have hit my worst funk yet. And that is okay. I still carry forth with the mindset, that I am worth it. I feel okay, mentally. Physically, not so much. I definitely feel tired. I feel wore out and overwhelmed. Some days, I do not know which direction to go. Some days I am just frustrated. Lack of physical exertion, has led to wanting to explode. But, even more important, I am not sure of where to put my energy.  Like I mentioned, before, I have held onto the morals and values we are being taught in class, and I believe that has been my saving grace. Yes the only thing to keep me engaged is trying to be better every single day than I was before. Listen, as an addict, it is really easy to fall into a depression and truly not even know it. The days become darker, my mood slowly shifts to a darker thought process. Things bother me more than they used again. No this is not a pity party, this is exactly where I am at. One day at a time is what they tell us, no I have to pick my feet up and place them, one in front of the other. And some days, man, I am drowning. Drowning and I think I am floating. Floating face down maybe, but not swimming. Not moving forward. I have a goal of where I want to be in five years, ten years, even twenty years, but not tomorrow. I have looked so far into the future, that I have completely forgot about today. So, I will just keep pushing forwards. There were times in my earlier sobriety, that I felt the same way. That I felt like getting wasted and saying I don't need any of you. Thankfully, people were in my path at the perfect time to help squash those thoughts.
   
    Today, I have my fellow teammates to think about. When one member of our team starts to slip and slide, it has a trickle effect through the rest of the team. I honestly feels, like I am bringing down everyone. But I know for a fact, that is not true. I might be struggling and wanting to turn off the computer and walk away, but I refuse to. Not just for me, but, for everyone else. You see early in my sobriety, I came to a conclusion. That is this. I may have gotten sober for me and me alone, but subliminally, I did it for you. Yes, I don't have to deal with all the drama I placed in my life, but you guys get to see and deal with a sober will. Somebody, that you would not have wanted to deal with a couple of years ago. Thursday night, a very good friend of mine made mention, that, I when I first sobered up, he did not want to deal with me. Not even sit next to me. He told me he was scared of what I might do or say, if he started a conversation with me. And lets face it, I was an animal. An animal with no regard to who I hurt or how I hurt them. Today, do understand, I do not desire to harm anyone. Physically or mentally. It makes me feel sick to my stomach, if I really hurt someone. Honestly, I want to be the example as to why people change their lives. Not as a bragging factor, but simply, as an example. I want people like me to look at me and say, If he can do it, then so can I!
   
    So, with that being said, I need to keep being the example, I want to see. The change I desire to see in the world. I need to re-fuel this fire I had burning for so long, seemingly, so long ago. Ah, but the devil looked and saw, just how evil goodness truly is. That is the perfect example of perception that I have. Think about that statement for a moment. We all, know how good being good is, but to someone who thrives on evil, goodness is terrible for him. All in the perception. I need to re-set my sights, so I can move forward.


    Look, I am used to hunting right now, but, I have no time. Frustrating. I am used to cleaning out the garden, but I have had no time. I am used to relaxing and chilling out on sundays, but, I have no time. Or do I. Am I just saying, I aint got time for that, or am I truly stretched that far out. Lets be honest, just for a moment. I am not making the time  for the basics like I did earlier in the I.H.C. challenge. I have found an excuse and am running with it. And since we are being honest, I have been given the excuses to hide in my shell again. I have this feeling of being completely overwhelmed with I.H.C. And now, we have no choice but to be at open training on Saturdays now, if I want to be a part of the dragon, I need to give up that to. No not sacrifice my time, but invest in my team. I really enjoy, everything about the dragon. the teamwork, the bond we are building between each other and the dragon. It is far more than some cloth on a pole to me. It is the dragon, that represents our school. This is, way more than some cloth. This is more than a school dragon. It is an amazing opportunity to build up as a solid team. And show off some stupendous, dragon moves as a team. And finally to show everyone, what some teamwork and personal investments can do. To set the example of what can be done with friends.


    So, I need to push these excuses out of my path. Maybe stomp on the excuses that I build into my mind and place into my path. I realise, that right before a break thru is made with me, all the bad parts, or negativity floods my mind and being, and gives me all sorts of reasons to not push through to the other side. And, this is a hard part. The hard part is realising, these are poisonous thoughts that are after my serenity. Realising that, I do this every time to try to squash positive growth. To stay idle, where I was. I do not know why I do this. But it is something I am working hard on. I really am trying to see these emotions and feeling for what they truly are. I am trying to embrace and love these feelings. Which, is messed up. This is a whole new norm for me. I love it. Embracing and making friends with fears and demons, then moving them outta my way. Making my fears works for me. Saying to pain and fears, yeah, buddy come on in, sit right down, lets get to be friends tell me a story pain. Let us enjoy a cup of coffee together. Show yourself fear. Lets dance, lets have a good time. I am going to continue to use my fears and pains as my gun powder to blow the top off the I.H.C. challenge. Yeah, I have been struggling, but, this cat is not going down without a fight. A fight for the rest of my life. Not my old life back, I do not want my old life back. I desire to build out of the ashes a life of meaning and worth. A life where every single step has value and purpose. Not walking simply to walk. Walking with purpose. Yeah that's right, get outta my way. Here comes Will. Smash bang pow, I stand victorious in life again. Hahahaha. Oh boy. fired up again. Now, we got to light it up, to burn it down. Whoa! Who is with me. Lets light this world on fire!!!


Okay everyone, I need to get back to the family. Try and figure out how to play action hero's with a thirty pound puppy and my beaut of boys. This is going to be a challenge!


Thank you for your time
Humbly yours
Mr.Duncan