Hello all. How is everyone doing. What a day, what a weekend, what a week. Wowie. My wife was gone in Calgary on business and I got to play mr.Mom. That was a lot of fun. With my boys and the dog, is was a huge look into her life. Everything that she does to keep the house going round. Its quite amazing, all that she does. I feel, my youngest and I did some great bonding. I spent a lot of time just concentrating on him and what he wanted to do. Play, daddy, play with me. How do you say no? I could not. Nor did I want to say no. So I spent a lot of time playing guys, cars, wrestling and cuddling my little guy. Loved it.
So forms seminar eh!?! Who else had their minds blown right outta their skulls? Yup, I did. Man alive that was so cool. I didn't have much time to look and admire what others where doing as sifu was all over me, for reps, and proper everything. Wow. For such a small technique, there is so much to it. I really had to forget, what I have been taught in kempo style and learn a complete new everything in those few hours. A serious challenge and I loved it. Even though I fell apart while presenting the form to the group. That was seriously messed up. Haha. Its okay. thankfully, I had the chance to try again. I was going to ask to do it again, if sifu had not presented the chance. But, I mean everything had to be retaught. The stance, the strikes, the movements, finding center in my hips, but most importantly, my intentions needed to be clear. I found, while learning the form, if there was any noise in my mind, I would mess it up. I mean any noise. Even going through the motions in my head as I was doing them. Had to be centered and mindful. Maybe, yesterday was the lesson in effortless effort. Maybe. That's what happened in front of all. my mind was racing. Then I messed up the first time and, I was like great, everyone's watching this, don't fall apart man. Breath, I say, breath. But panic kept kicking in and just chocked me out. I wanted to just keep trying, but, after the second time, I couldn't calm down. I couldn't focus, I couldn't breath. I felt terrible. But, like I say, what a great time. What a great experience. I would do it all exactly the same again, with all the same results. Awesome.
Doing this form at home, the last little bit, I feel results are really coming. The stances is slowly coming. The movements are still frustrating, but, its okay. This will not slow me down. I am going to master this from. I will show you all, just how incredibly powerful this form is. Yes its a small footprint, but it is like a tank. One direction and one intention. Forwards smash. I really like this form. I do see why this form is best for someone shorter than I, but, I feel parts of it suites me well. Maybe not to completely change to this fighting style, but if I can adapt parts and the intentions to my own fighting style, then I know I will benefit. If I can grow from this, it was well worth the effort. I will, I just need to figure out how. Time will tell, and I will grow.
So, lets talk kung fu. I am having a real hard time lately. Not posting my numbers, because there is little to post. I am embarrassed of how little I have accomplished. People, places and things have been piling up on me and I have not been able to calm down. I have all these excuses that I could use to justify my poor showings and outings. Or, I could be honest. I have been using again. There is one thing in my being, that I have not been willing to talk about. That one thing has been eating at my conscience and now, I am really paying for it. See, for people like me, I can not have any skeletons, and there is one. One that just keeps laughing at me. Now that I am using again, its kicking the crap outta me. I have not had this kind of defeat in sobriety. I have not been beat up like this, since I first sobered up. I have all sorts of reasons as to why, I am ignoring this one skeleton. A lack of time, a lack of caring. A lack of honesty. But all of these reasons have one thing in common. A lack of effort. Like I have said, I have looked the devil in the eyes and smashed him outta my way. But, a friend of mine once told me this. "I must be careful, to not become complacent in life. The devil owned me and my soul for sixteen years, that when I threw him out of my life, he would be back, and he would be worse than ever. When I least expected it. When I was really flying high, he will come back for my spirit. I took back something he thought was his and thus, will, cause an internal war, when I least expect it." With all that being said, I have leant a very valuable lessons from kung fu. And these things have been sitting on my shoulder like, well, is that really your excuse? Is that really what you are going with?
So, here we are. At square one again. I gave up the power I had over the issues. I gave it back to that darn devil I was fighting and gave up the fight. Today, I am taking another stand. Again, I know. But, it is like throwing dry spaghetti at a wall and hoping its gonna stick to the wall. It wont stick, until I apply myself. I gotta spend some time and start doing some cooking on this issue. I have got to get back to basics and rebuild and re-apply. I would like to just run and just ignore again, but, then I will be back at this place, in no time. I need to quit ignoring the little things, before they keep tearing my mind apart.
I am working on a new plan. I am looking at re-implementing an old routine, that worked well, in the beginning of I Ho Chuan. But, adapting this new plan, to what todays asks of me. I have got to finish my steps and continue to be awesome. I feel confident in this new plan. As long as I keep putting one foot in front of the other. Sure, I have slipped and fallen flat on my face, but, sifu has failed more times than I have even tried. So, if he can do it, and others can do it, then so can I. I just need to keep picking myself up and keep trying. Willie is not done yet. Oh no, not yet.
I stand firm on applying myself to the dragon dance. It has been one of the best resources I have come to embrace from the kwoon, like I said a few weeks ago. So, starting monday, I am placing this new plan into action. As for today, I finish this internal battle. Today, I win. I will not be held back by a resentment or regret anymore. I am going to exercise this demon. Sure I will meet my fear with love. I will lovingly kick its head in. Taking an aggressive approach, worked miracles when I first sobered up, and I am going to meet that today with the same tenaciousness. I can not afford any more easier softer ways. I have been at this fork in the road for just about one month, and its really pissing me off, now.
So I have to quit talking and start walking the walk.
Thanks for your time everyone.
Mr.Duncan
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