breathing

Good Sunday to all.  How is it hanging today?  It's really good here.  I'll tell you what.  Pancakes and smoothies! As a team we have been having quite the lengthy vegetarian conversations.  That's cool.  I am not overly keen on the idea, but, the conversation did come home with me.  My wife and I have taken measures to start eating cleaner.  With the term mindful eating, came the question, how can we change? What can we do? We looked at prices just for myself to go full vegetarian for 30 days, and it was a fair bit of money. I'm not talking about those garbage protein drinks either, you can keep that crap. Read the ingredients and you will know what I'm talking about. Talk about chemicals. So, we started looking for ways to further eat cleaner. And so, we can and have started substituting store bought granola bars and snacks for home made granola balls. Sweet. They taste great and are packed with all sorts of seeds and "super foods" and they are home made.  Start making more effects to cut out sugars and salts. And replace them with flax seeds and hemp seeds etc, etc. Natural sugars and salts if you might.  We are quite excited about doing this in our home.  As for eating veggie. I said to the missus. I will do what I need to, to eat less meat. You keep cooking how you see fit for the family.  Mindful eating.  I know exactly where my meat eggs and the majority of our veggies come from. I have no problem eatin Bambi or his family. Oh thumper, you're so cute...and tasty.  It's the dairy and fruits we don't know exactly where they come from. Burning questions. How can I get a dairy cow into my back yard without pissing off my neighbors? How much pesticides and herbicides have been used, and all of a sudden I realize, just how filthy our food is.  Words my sister in law said to me a few years ago. No matter how hard we try to eat clean, there is always some body spraying something somewhere. Ohh I'd like to find that guy, and introduce him to my Escrimas.  Even just growing your own food.  No matter how clean you try to be, you cannot get away from pesticides and herbicides. It's been used so much in so many places, that it's every where.  Our land and air is "poisoned" it's up to us, to do our best to combate corporate poisoning. Unless you have a completely cut off and separate ecosystem from the rest of the world, like a dome or something, with dirt cleaners, you're eating chemicals. That's science, and that's coming from someone who went to university for "tree hugging" I don't know the excact term. This woman knows more about the worms than I do about an entire ecosystem.  So, the long and short of it is this, I will continue to cut red meat down from my diet and push for better fuel for my system. Will I completely cut meat? Maybe eventually red meat, but I highly doubt, I'll ever say no to my chickens and fish. red meat? Okay, let's start the transition.

  So, back to Kung fu, I have been pushing hard on the Escrimas and I think they are flying nicely.  The hum of them swinging about, is stronger and louder.  It's hypnotysing. I like to get lost in the sounds and just close my eyes and listen to my weapons. Maybe I'm really weird, which I am, but I like to believe they are singing when the weapons get moving like they can. Escrimas sound much different then my stick, which in turn sound much different than nunchuck.  These sounds seem to be a type of mediation for me. I do honestly feel, a sense of oneness, with the weapon when I can hear their songs. That's powerful. That's the purpose being my training. A oneness with my weapon and myself. A spiritual connection that takes no effort. Effortless effort.  The essence behind what we are trying to accomplish in I Ho Chuan.

  Saturday, I got some feedback on my form and got some assistance in fighting the spear. One part of my form, I tear after some poor soul who brought a spear to an escrima fight!! And I was looking for quick efficient ways to make up ground and feed a butt end to someone almost ten feet away.  I got options and answers form Sifu Playter. Great Scott! That's so simple Sifu. Awesome. I'm Over thinking again. It's really mind blowing how, forms just evolve over time.  With no thought or effort, the form changes, sometimes slightly, sometimes it's a huge change. But, these forms we create are living entities. And of course they should change and adapt with and to us. It only makes sense. Especially, if you think they do breath on their own and are their own being.  Tapping into the powers of our for-fathers and asking the Kung fu gods for guidance.  We will find our answers.

   And I would like to go here today too.  Saturday, we closed off open training with some friendly sparring. I learnt a lot from getting bopped by fellow spar-ers. Where I am strong, where I am slow. How well conditioned I am? Terrible absolutely deplorable conditioning. After three rounds, I could not breath. I literally had no breath. So bad, that Sifu stopped to ask if I was okay. Yeah, I felt ridiculas, emberassed, stupid. Can't even have a friendly sparring match, without being gassed after one maybe two minutes.  Okay. I see now. Smoking. Oh I hate you, but, I love you, no, I hate you. No, I love you. It's a suicidal relationship with a scared child inside of me. Listen, I'm scared.  Scared to let go. And I know, no matter how much every one cheers and whoop whoops, it's still on me. And, I haven't been committed to completely changing, my life. I still do not want to let go yet. I guess, I'm not ready. With booze, I had to die. I had to look the devil and the grim reaper in the eyes, feel their grip on my being, before I would change. Stubborn and stupid. Now, I ask, how in the heck am I going to achieve any of my life goals when I stuck in the hospital, with tubes coming out of my throat and face and arms and eating chemo, just to live. Being fed by a tube at the ripe age of 50. How in the front door, is that going help me? Hey? You don't know either.  I've watched cancer take two relatives and watched my mother fight for her life. Do you think that would be enough to catapulte me and quit? No, they have been gone for almost twelve years. Hasn't sunk in. And, I'll never forget looking my uncle in the eyes to tell him I loved him, one last time, as they went cold and grey, and breath exited his lungs for the last time. That's what is waiting for me. Months of fighting in a hospital, needles and poking and prodding, all for nothing. Truly and honestly, just to leave this world, broken and defeated, by a cancer.

   Mindfulness has really been huge for me. Mindful breathing and mindful purpose. What am I doing? Where am I! Is this helping or hindering? And, you know, I think I have two personalities, fighting for superiority in my body. And it seems the dark side always wins.  That's cool. Him and I are going to throw down.  I'm programming this addiction that is smoking.  Just like I did with the booze. It's going to suck, I'm going to be a miserable sob, but, only short term. And I know I can do it. Like I've said befor, I whipped on crack and booze. If I can silence that little demon, why not smoking? Fear. It always comes down to fear. I'm scared of letting go. I'm scared of starting new habits, and starting fresh.  Biggest step of my life. I'm going to take it again. Stubborn? yup! Keep your pills and propaganda, I'm honestly going to just look at the facts of my life. I've never worked smoking, like I have the booze. That was scary enough to keep me off the booze, and hard drugs, though yes, I near relapsed in the spring, but I'm okay now. I have my program back in order and it's time to just be a man and do this. Time to show myself, just exactly whom I am.

I have never know me, to not be a smoker. So, hi, I'm will, I'm your mind and soul.  I'm your conscience. I'm what is going to drive you wild u till you quit. I'm what is going to keep you up at night. I'm the fly in your ear as you try to sleep, and I'm not leaving until you beat this stick of death!

In any event, I will see everyone soon
Thanks for your time
Mr.Duncan