July 2, 2011

 Normally I write on sundays! But I knew this day was coming, so Ive waited patiently to write this blog! 

Well, for myself today is a very powerful day! This day exactly 10years and 4hours ago, 3650 one day at a times ago,I chose to change my life. I’m going to take a trip down memory lane! It’s not that I want to live in the past nor do I envy or miss the past! Today’s post is all about remembering where I came from and remembering where I can go, if I decide to go back to my old ways! Remembering why I have a sociopath tattooed on my foreman…remembering who I become if I don’t pay attention to me! 

Ten years ago, wow, how time has passed ever so quickly it seems. Ten years ago, I had to change. I was walking that razors edge of suicide and “living”. Every day I’d purposely play with death. I think it was because I didn’t know how fortunate and lucky of a guy I truly was. I had given up on myself at a really young age and resorted to alcohol to deal with life. Alcohol was to only thing I could count on back then. I had no friends, my wife and kids had their bags packed. I was destined to be a loser, so I thought. All I had, at that point in time in my life was a bottle of whiskey or a flat of road pops! Man what a disaster!! How I never killed myself or anyone else, I can only thank my creator for watching out for me! 

I grew up in a home where love wasn’t really a thing and so I never learnt how to express myself without bouts of terrible words, and then I’d go bust someone’s face in the streets, or get beat up! Didn’t matter as long as it was going down!! I was on a path to an implosion! A self run tornado of absolute destruction of anything in my life! I learnt at a very young age, that violence solves almost anything, I still indeed struggle with that as an adult, and there’s times I want to melt someone’s noodle for them, but I work at it! And it’s easier to remove those thoughts today!! Years of practice though!! 

And to be honest, I tried to quit drinking on my own! I switched brands, I only drank whiskey on saturdays, then only on fridays! Or I’d only drink 6 on the way home from work and then float for the rest of the night! Or id only drink rum, or only beers, man I “tried to change on my own” so many times. 

And my life just kept doing downhill. My younger cousin Chad, he gave his life as an example for the rest of us! My family struggles with personal demons, it’s literally ripped my family to shreds! Chad, man, I love you so much cousin! I stay sober for you my friend! I hope you can see me from heaven, I havnt stopped working for us cousin. And I won’t Chad. I promised you at your funeral I was going to do something about it! But I kept drinking. I really sank deeper and deeper into depression! 

Chad was my only friend! He was the only person who ever gave a shit about me. He was the only person who called to talk to me. Or just pop by and visit! The ONLY person I had in my life that didn’t hate me…and then, he took his life… I was left alone and depressed! I went dark! 

I was technically broken and severely confused! I took the blame of his suicide and carried it! I was supposed to have called him that very night! We always called each other just to see how we where! We as a family knew we where nuts and back then, we took care of each other! But that night, I did not call, and Chad passed…I carried that burden. It wasn’t right I took the blame, but that was then!  A few more months of escalated antics and increasing the amounts of insanity I craved in my life, Canada Day 2011 finally hit! (There’s a specific reason the joker is tattooed where he is on my arm! So every morning when I brush my teeth first thing, I make direct eye contact with him and I have to make a clear decision every morning, do I stay sober or do I go get blasted and torment good people?) 

Canada Day of 2011 came and I went WILD that night! As wild and crazy and absolutely insane as it was, this night had to happen EXACTLY how it happened! Shudder shudder…And as a black-out drunk, for some reason I vividly remember this night!!! Party on the beach in Regina! Running from the cops, hiding from heavy drug dealers, near getting stabbed to death! I got into some serious trouble that night, that was exponentially worse with alcohol and drugs!!  Long story short, I just about died that night. Me and my “friend” got cornered in a public bathroom over a drug debt…knives got pulled and fists went flying, there was all sorts of wow!! We literally fought for our lives that night…and the night did not end there; oh no, of course it didn’t! I was on a path to destruction and by god I was gonna hit it! Onto the harder and harder drugs…cocaine isn’t doing anything and neither is the booze, ahhhh screaming at the moon wild!!!  so onto more and more and harder and harder….

And at some point the next day I passed out! When I finally did I kept having these nightmares. I couldn’t sleep! My dead cousin came to me in my dream and absolutely scared the heck outta me! I woke up crying and shaking! So fearful of my life! All such new and crazy feelings. I knew I needed help! I was so messed up, didn’t know what way was left or left? On and off I dozed in broken tent in this flippen farmers field, sweltering heat and coming down and nightmares! That darned devil showed up in my nightmares! I will never forget what it said to me! “You’re soul is mine! You’re mine boy!” And I woke up terrified crying and so lost! Just a broken scared individual! So much so I basically packed up my stuff and left for home! Left half my camp set up! I just needed to leave! 

I had four options given to me! 1.Go to a treatment center 2. Go to an insane asylum 3. Go to AA and get some help! 4. Beat it and don’t come back. 

I went to AA. I thought it would be easy!! Hahaha. Ahh. So nieve, but so worth the every second of it!! My very first meeting, the first things anyone said to me those rooms as this! “Kid if you want to get sober, you get honest and get honest right fn now! Because whatever you’re ashamed of, whatever you’ve done and whatever you’ve said, so have all of us! So get honest and honest right f’n now!” Ive never seen that man since that day! Bless you good sir, saved my life.  I really wish I knew who he was so I could thank him for his words! 

Regardless, that man changed my life with those few sentences! No longer was I alone in this world! No longer did I have to carry these burdens, no more! I have friends that do care! People from the mtgs would call! “Will, what are you doing? Are you coming to the mtg tonight? Can’t wait to see you” I’d be half nuts loosing it on the wind and they’d say, keep coming back Will! We love you!!” “Wtf you just say to me?” “Okay just keep coming back will!!” They taught me love when I I knew was anger! They showed me kindness when I didn’t know how to! They showed me purpose and gave me a path to get there! 

I’d just think to myself, they are happy to see me? What kind of a trick is this? Seriously, are you messing with me? It took a little bit, but, after listening to the laughter and getting the hugs and actually learning to believe that strangers do give a crap about me, I started to come around! Once the desire to drink was lifted from me, through pray and believing in myself and doing the actual work out in front of me, it finally was gone! Then I could forgive myself! Then I started to not only believe that I deserved to live, that I deserved a decent life! That I did not have to be a loser! In fact I never was a loser!  I started to believe that I was worth more than farts in the wind. Today, not only do I believe I deserve a decent life, I want other people to have amazing lives today! Everyone deserves to be happy!! 

Now, I worked and worked for my sobriety! I fought tooth and nail to stay sober! I would lay there at night, terrified to sleep, because that damn devil was gonna show up and torment me…that scared me so much, I just did not sleep! I couldn’t! Scared me so much! Than one day a good friend of mine was listening to me talk about this demon in my dreams! And he volunteered his time to help get rid of the devil! We prepared for war! I told him, he’s not letting go man! I suffocate at night! He said good! Let’s go to war for your soul will! And by god war we brought to the devil! By the time we were done, the devil was in the corner crying for help! The devil was begging me to stop, but I didn’t and I still don’t! Today I lean on him hard! Harder than when I started! And well, needless to say, I stand before you my friends,  not him!!

My buddy showed my the power of the creator! He led me into a faithfulness where He is greater than I! And I am merely a tool for his greater good! I learnt I have the power in my mind, and by the creators will, I fought that demon every single bloody night, until, one night! I said no more! You do not scare me anymore! I am Will Fuxking Duncan! You do not control me you mfer! Stay outta my head! You no longer have power over me! And that was honestly the end of that! Not to say the devil hasn’t reared his ugly face and tried to come back! I mean he did own me a really long time, but, he keeps failing and his voice gets quieter and quieter each time! I laugh in his face today! To be brutally honest! Laugh!! I try to not get complacent, he’s always around!

But I still make mistakes! 

That’s cool! I take ownership and make amends and carry on in life! I just try my best! 

And even still, I had something missing! I poured everything I had into sobriety, and still there was just a tiny piece missing! One day I fell into SRKF in Onoway! And here’s Sifu Ryback and Sifu Wiebe! Two people who where very important in my early sobriety, and I don’t know, if they knew how powerful they were for me! Listen, for me, I saw two highly functioning adults, adulting and doing some awesome Kung fu, and I thought, i should be able to do that! So yes, Sifu Wiebe, I will join your class! That night changed my life every so drastically!! 

I didn’t know much about the stony plain school! The tournament time was upon us and I’ll never ever forget! Sifu Wiebe convinced me to participate! I said okay, if that’s what you feel is best! So I walked into the stony school, not knowing who anyone really is! I competed and I guess I did well that year! I’ll never forget, Sifu Brinker comes up to me after the tourney, and complimented me on well! Sifu Wiebe was like, dude, that’s master Sifu! He just complimented your Kung fu! That’s pretty awesome! You should be proud of yourself! That doesn’t happen as much as you may think! 

It was the second time in my life I felt like I belonged! I don’t know if Sifu Brinker meant it, or what! But I didn’t care! The fact that this dude just paid attention to me, when he didn’t have to, was pretty powerful to me! Nobody ever gave a crap about me, and here’s this master instructor who took the time to compliment me?!? Wow okay!!! Honestly, it gave me a serious confidence boost! A boost in belonging! I’ve always carried that convo with me! It still gives me goosebumps! 

Slowly, but with hesitation, I felt safer and safer at the Kwoon! I’ve never felt like I belonged anywhere in life! But here in this school, with these people, I felt like I mattered! It felt like these people, actually cared about me! Why? I’m a stranger! No one knows me! Why do you care about me? People would stop doing stuff to come help me?!?!? I would ask a question and here’s Sifu Vantuil literally taking things out of her hands to give me her absolute full attention…. absolutely blown away!!! What do you mean you care about everyone? What? I ain’t never heard that before! I wanted to believe, but I ain’t never seen it, outside of the rooms! 

You may think I’m kidding, but I never saw kindness like I’ve seen in this school, just given away so freely! And respect for everyone… that was unheard of for myself! Ha really kinda set me back a bit! I’ve learned to embrace it and it’s actually really cool, just being kind and stuff like that! 

What I learnt in just watching my instructors, is that, you can completely weaponize your body and mind, but now it’s my responsibility to not harm others!! In fact, you should care about people! Even if someone is running off at the mouth, and the old me would have parked my fist in that face, I should not do that?!? Oh that’s news!!  I would take what I learnt in kung fu and conform it to what I learnt in AA! Holy, the words are different, but you speak the same message! Okay, so after a while I put absolute faith in my instructors and complete trust in my creator! I’m supposed to be here! I’m supposed to be with SRKF! Funny enough, every instructor I’ve ever worked with, is simply there to help and build… holy crap…you’re gonna teach me how to destroy someone, but, I don’t actually want to harm anyone anymore… what kind of magic is this?!? Oh it’s martial arts mastery oh….

Through all my journeys and places I’ve gone and things I’ve done, the Kwoon has always been my safe place! Everyone’s chill, everyone’s nice, train hard play hard! Sweet!! 

Silent River Kung Fu gave me a place to belong! SRKF gave me a sense of community, making me do demos and putting myself out there! SRKF gave me methods to dismantle my anger and build confidence! SRKF, in combination with AA, gave me a second chance at life! Silent River has simply help save my life! For that I’m eternally grateful! If there’s ever a time where the tkd or karate schools are throwing shade….no sweat , give the order bosses and I will have a chat! I owe my life and my sobriety to this school, something I won’t forget! Besides once you got my loyalty, no sweat!!

SRKF is not just a school or a building to me! Truly it’s more than a Kwoon as well! Like for others, it’s home! Ive had many of powerful memories in the Kwoon that I hold dear! 

I may not be the best teammate, nor am I often around, but I promise all of you, you are my family! Im like the 3rd cousin twice removed, somehow always still around…hahaha! I’m so proud to be apart of Silent River. I’m even prouder to celebrate 10years of sobriety with everyone here! 

This has been a wild 10 year ride and I’m so happy to be apart of Silent River! Thanks to everyone for helping me and listening to me and being apart of my journey in sobriety! 

What a gift I have! 

Thanks for reading my blog today! 

 July 2, 2011

Forever the worst day, that forever positively changed my life. So it’s actually the best day ever! 

3, 650 days of I can do this, if only for today! 

Thanks for your time! 

Mr.Duncan