Peaks and Valleys

    Howdy everyone. Another fine day indeed. I really do not know where to start or what to speak about today. I really have been a mountain range this last week. Peaks and valleys like they are going out of style. So, forgive me if my blog is a mess all over the place today.  I am not quite sure where or why I am like this. I honestly, believe it has a lot to do with the last few weeks of tornado like events. And, all those events, meeting my daughter, the tiger challenge, and different situations at work, others expectations of me, has added up and has created a completely new person. I am not the same person as I was three weeks ago. I am drastically different. Perceptions and outlooks at life have been gut-checked. My little world was rocked first by my oldest daughter coming into my life. I had asked for help and what would you do questions all over the place. I received all sorts of input and advice, but, I came to realise that of all my friends and acquaintances, I am the first to go through re-introducing ourselves to a lost child. There are many people I know, who have lost children due to drinking or drug problems. Or have walked out of children's lives, or have had their families turn their backs on people like me. So, as helpful as people want to be, there hasn't been very much good stuff I can use to ease into this. But, I realized there is no easy way to ease into this. She is completely different than us. The way she is being raised and her outlooks and perceptions are completely different than me and the wife and boys. So far, all I have is, showing love and kindness. And so far, that is all I have needed to show. There has been times where her and I have been texting and she is so concerned about me having to go to class or whatever and she is just focused on me leaving again. I tried to explain the theory I understand that is staying in the moment. Haha. I could feel the "what the heck is my dad talking about now" through the phone. With saying that, that is all I have to offer. She obviously doesn't want me to leave her again, but, she realises that I have stuff and things to do. So, I can feel her mixed emotions and I understand. One thing I do get, is emotional confusion. But, its all good. I try to stay open and positive for all to see.
    I have truly embraced the idea, that our lives are ours to share. That it would be selfish to not tell my story. Okay, I got it. That is something I can do. And the results are truly glorious. I am finding, that, the more open and honest I stay, the more good things happen to me. And not material things either. Gifts that really matter. Friendship, true love. Real, raw emotions. Happiness. I was deep in thought last night and bam like a freight train it hits me. That, my greatest gift to give is my life and my kindness. Not always do I need to give my life to something, but sharing honestly, is giving my life away. When I share with my friends, I am giving them a piece of my life. I am taking the experience, strength and hope of my story and literally giving it to them. Really any one whom asks, I will give a piece of my life. Wow! Never thought it possible. But again, its the small miracles that happen that make our lives worthwhile. And I learnt that, every small tiny thing adds up to something much greater. All these events add up to who I am. And who I am, is a result of all these events and circumstances coming together. The universe or a god of some sort, putting the puzzle pieces in place for me to embrace. I just need to keep on keeping on.
   Well, then the physical-ness of my kung fu has not come back to where I want it to, but, I have not made the sacrifices I have in the past to get my numbers back up to one thousand a week mark. But, I have been making progress. Slow and steady I have knocked off another couple hundred push up and sit ups. These motions are exceptionally difficult to do with a thirty pound four month old puppy wanting to play and lay on me. So, instead of getting angry that he is taking away from my training, I embrace him for his love. He is just a puppy I have to remind myself. And he is a fine puppy at that. Other things have taken away time from training. Time with all my kids. Everyone wants to ensure dad is not forgetting about any of them. That's okay, I can step outta my world to ensure my kids are getting enough. Their worlds have been rocked too. I can not forget about them either. But this week, I hope to be different. I truly want to get back to where I was. Like two months ago. Well, I can not go back and have that same experience, but, I can strive for that desire again. Push for those results. And I will. I will get back their. This year is almost finished and there are goals, that I have to accomplish and work on, yet. Feels overwhelming, but it is. Only because I left things to the back burner for so long. Now, things are adding up and guilt has started to creep in. Changes are in order, and hopefully, with lots of hard work, changes will take place.
     Saturday, I was in a mood. Willie just wanted to smash. After dragon practice, someone asks me, "hey man you all right?" There was sincerity in his voice. It sounded like he really cared, and that one small question alone, helped make me feel better. That one question took me out of my funk and into service if you might. I have a theory that if someone asks an honest question, then I must give an equally honest answer. It doesn't mean I get to be rude and freak out, but return the friendliness I was given. So, thanks Mr.Kohut for simply asking how I was doing. It felt nice to feel someone caring enough to work up the courage to ask if I needed help. I know I am not the most friendly looking, when I get into a funk. Even talking to myself when I get like that can be scary business!!
    So, why am I all over the place. I think it is trying to sort out all these new emotions. Trying to understand what these new events and circumstances mean and entail in my life. Then how do I fit everything together. It is a lot to comprehend and even more to fully understand. I almost always  go into an emotionally roller coaster after something changes or happens in my life. The best part is working through all this jazz to find out who I have changed into. Who am I today, if you might. I do accept the challenge, and with time and practice, the roller coasters will be less and less frequent. Things will level out. I know they will, its just a matter of forward motions.

Well, I think that is everything for now.
Humbly yours
Mr.Duncan