Square One

    Hello everyone. How is your sunday. Good I hope. Mine is going well. So last week, I went on quite the vent session. But, heck man, getting those thoughts outta my mind and into yours felt pretty good. I really do not have a whole lot to talk about this week. From my last blog I received some real good feedback. When I read those comments, it re-affirmed the positive in my growth. The things that really matter. The good things in life. And with so much going on, I haven't been able to calm down and settle my mind. I did not give myself the time or the effort, that I really need to. So, I took some time, and re-wrote my goals and ambitions. Things that I would like to continue to work towards, and things I need to keep working on. I also, tossed some goals that are just not going to happen at this time. The time, effort, and the desire is just not there. The goals I have re-wrote and taken upon, though. Different story. I will continue training hard with stick and kempo. The value of these forms are in-measurable. Took almost six weeks to realise this. Bear with me, I not being egotistical with this, but I am trying to be realistic. Looking at the facts alone.
    My stick form, was conceived in my mind. I had really not picked up a stick before I Ho Chaun. There was no youtube, or internet research, on how to articulate this weapon, or strike with this weapon. I did ask for help throughout the forms creation. If I did not know how to do something, I asked for help, then figured it out at home. Came back the next week and asked again. Like my jumping 450 spin. I wanted to learn how to do that, so I asked and asked and practiced. It still needs a lot of work, but six months ago, the spin was a flat on my face moment. I would go home after class and yell at the missus "hey come look and see! Watch this honey" and as bad or as good as it was she encouraged me. She saw I was trying my hardest, and encouraged the energy and the effort. I would take the form to my thinking corner and draw it out. Explore the vectors. Figured out what direction I needed to be spinning. Illustrate each move on paper and then work to put paper into action. I wanted this stick form to be epic. and to others it may not be, but to me, this stick form is epic. A creation from my mind that is positive. I looked back over this week and saw the efforts I put into the thing. I can look back and see the results of that time and effort. I feel good about the form. I am proud of the form. I am proud of myself, for sticking with it and creating that form. Yes I needed help with the moves, but do you think sifu would have done it for me? Would he have built this form just for me? Of course not, they helped and guided, I simply put in the time and effort. So, I mean that's a real cool realisation.
    I have been doing probably more thinking then I should have this week, but, something else hit me. All this doubt and pity party crap I have been rolling in lately is due to one thing and one thing alone. My lack of self believe. My lack of trust in my heart. Of my abilities, at work and at the kwoon. So concerned about what others might think or do think, that I forget, I have the ability to do awesome in my tasks. I am a solid ironworker, I am a good dad, husband and I am a good martial artist. I just built a fricken kick ass weapon form. So, of course, I started doing more research on this self-believe. How can I build up my confidence? How do I take that first step? Well, one thing I came to learn is that, I really just need to take that first step. I am so worried about, failing or looking stupid, that I talk myself out of just taking the step. I step up to do something and a huge part of me wants to immediately run away. When, I quit drinking, that was not an easy step, but I did see what was honestly happening, a slow self-induced booze suicide, so I took a leap of faith. So, I know for a fact asking for help is crucial in the first step, but, eventually, I got to take it. The owness really and truly falls on me.
    So, a big week in my mind. I have plan written out. I have some time before my next job starts to implement some changes. It is incredibly tough to make alterations when I running around like a man on fire. So, I have the time to stop and ask, does this aid in my crusade? Is smoking going to help me achieve a black belt? How about the drugs. Are they helping in my aid to bring calmness and clarity to my mind? What about my family, how do they aid in my journey? But, not just to say yes or no appropriately, what am I going to do about it? Some things have to just stop, while other things need to stay within my perspective while I walk this journey. I have to do something about my smoking, like I have said before, I have plateaued. And until I quit smoking, I will not hit the next level. This is as good as I will ever be if I keep smoking. Sure, I can get better, but, no, not really, I don't/won't believe it. The drugs, I used to believe I was hitting some higher sense of spiritualism with my buzz, but, those are merely the justifications I use to use. Honestly, if the mind is fuzzy and im thinking about doritos and chocolate milk while trying to "meditate" how much truth will come through? Not much, I have tried, hundreds of times. That one I do not need advice on!
    So, this week, I took the advice of all who reached out through the blog and I will implement what I can. I will continue to push on. Realising this one thing alone really helped me out. That happiness and personal satisfaction and wisdom come from the inside. I can not look to my children for my happiness. I can not get personal satisfaction from sifu, nor can I receive wisdom without experience. Experience will not come unless I take that first step. I can throw out all the theories I want, but, like a mad scientist, unless I stand the lighting tower and hook the jumper cables to my own neck, I will not get the experiences I am after. Haha, I like that analogy. Eore is wandering through the graveyard, digging up random graves. I'm like , man where are all the secrets to life. Looking in grave for the secret to life for this monster I am building, when its truly inside of me. My heart. Give that monster my heart and will could turn into a friend, eh?......What?!?! Yeah that sounded way better in my head!
    So, things are together-ish. Its all about taking that step again. I remember when we  first started this I.H.C. and sifu spoke about getting de-railed, and how hard it can be to get back on track. Yup, had to experience that one first hand. Its good though, things truly are. There is not one thing I want except to learn and grow from this experience. I guess I needed five or six weeks to learn this lesson. Even in that tought, though, sure I lost six weeks of numbers, but the growth was truly inside. Maybe my lesson this year in I.H.C. is to learn to believe in myself. Maybe that's all I am supposed to learn, before I can continue on. I have the theory behind me now, lets put this into action and see what happens.


Well, that's all folks
Have a great day
Mr.Duncan