So we meet again. On another fine sunday morning. So, wowsers, this year is almost complete. And I looked back at my numbers last week, really set me into a reverse thought process. The guilt I mentioned last week, really took over. I gave that emotion power over myself and then hid under a rock. Silly I know. Quite honestly, where I am today, is I want to leave the challenge. I am tired, sore, and really just do not want to do anything. The pity party is full time right now. I have all sorts of excuses as to why I should leave. All sorts of excuses as to why it is so hard. I really do not like excuses. But, I find myself swimming in them. Parts of my training is coming exceptionally well. Like the emotional content. The inside stuff, is seemingly doing and coming along well. I try to push to be a better person each and every day. But the other side of me wants to freak out. Really I am kind of sick of being so nice all the time. Being nice to random people is not something I have ever strived to do. Except now. Now I have to. I am recording all sorts of A.O.K. but they are starting to seem like empty promises. The heart that should be behind the act of kindness, just doesn't seem to be there.
Ever since the tiger challenge ended, I have that feeling of emptiness. All year the tiger challenge was my goal. That was what I shot for. Now, it is over and I need to wait another eleven months, and I am bored. These blogs are for us to relay where we are and how we are doing and I am bored. Kempo, boring. My stick form, boring. The repetitiveness has turned to an emptiness and I am bored. Normally when I get bored, I move on. Move to the next thing. Today I do realise that boredom is apart of the journey. I have hit a lull, and I need to find a way to stay or get engaged again. Training in Onoway, is lots of fun, because of the randomness of class, but, I am bored. I have hit a lul. And I know, I have been saying for a few weeks that I will get back on track, I will be back up there, where I want to be in the next twenty-four hours. But, I am frustrated because I am bored. So, I picked up a new weapon. Eskrima sticks. I have a hope and a dream that this weapon will, re-encourage me into being awesome with my numbers again. Haha, what a ludacris idea. I am placing my feelings and emotions into two sticks. Like some guy on the street corner shouting over a megaphone "this stick right here is going to make me feel better!! And for a small fee, these sticks can help you too!" Sounds silly and it is. I recognize that.
It does not help that I keep going back to the drugs. I get a two, three weeks in and I say to myself, "It will be different, this time. You will see." I mean, the usage is not as bad as it has been, but it is what is happening in my mind. I figured after the tiger challenge, sure, I can reward myself. Smoke a joint, take the night off. Then I have a great big old bag of dope and smoking that electric lettuce like its going out of style. The frustrations are really exemplified, when using. My cigarette smoking is absolutely infuriating. The guilt from lighting a smoke is holy crap. And I am trying, just not very hard. I have half smokes. I light a smoke take a drag and throw it away. But I am still smoking. Frustrating. I figured I would have at least three or four months by now. Not even an hour. Sometimes I really hate being who I am some days. There are parts of me I cant stand, but, trying to change is such a fear-full event. That's why I don't change. I am scared. Scared of becoming and evolving into something awesome. Sure I am pretty neat right now, but, I could be better. I recognize that throwing a pity party and being the center of attention, is not productive. In fact, it is quite the opposite.
Then, I take a look around and see people like sifu Beckett. Just re-learning how to walk. And she is doing so awesome. She is struggling, but she hasn't quit, not for one moment, not from what I have seen. And then, here I am, feeling sorry for myself because, I am addicted to all the wrong things. Its like, "just get over yourself will. What is your issue buddy?" I am very thankful for the examples that have been put in front of my. Mrs. Bergestrieser, hit by cars, busted knees and she is still rocking out. People are working out of town, and they seems to be doing well. But, all in all, comparing myself to others is not fair to myself. I have never done a challenge like this, so, I guess I can use that excuse. This is my first year, and I think, I have done well, so far. I am nowhere close to others, but I am much further ahead, then I was last year. Even yesterday, I have grown from yesterday. I see that and embrace that idea. I am growing, each and every day. It is all I got lately.
I have had a huge event rock my life, but only because I am allowing this outside circumstance control my happiness. I got to have a hot chocolate and a donut with my little girl yesterday, and the absolute lies and bullshit, that this kid knows about me, that is simply enraging. I used to lock her in dark closets!?! I used to try to choke out her mother!?! No that was her friend. Should have minded his tongue. And that was one time only. Where in the sweet muther trucker did that come from. I used to hurt people, but, my daughter? I don't think so people. Yeah, I was a lunatic, but I took it out to the streets. I only restrained the ex once, after she air mailed a hot cup of coffee to me. Haha! Bad night. Other wise I kept my hands to myself. I grew up in a house like that, and I wasn't going to pull a repeat. One thing I really hate doing is defending myself from lies, because someone resents me. So, awesome, I knew there was some dirt out there about me. I knew there are lies and rumors about me out there, but mess around, with my daughter. Really. Really man. Like I kind of want to find my ex and ask her what is your fricken problem man. Saying that though, how productive would that be. To seep down to her level. No, I wont. But I did try to re-affirm to my daughter, that I am no longer that person. And that is all I did. Whether it is a lie or not, I apologized for my actions and carried on. I broke it down really easy like for her, and told her a soft version of who I was, what happened, and who I am today. I asked for one opportunity to prove I am not that person anymore. And I asked for one opportunity to be her daddy. I wont ever leave her ever again. That just wont happen again.
Because, really, I should not care, what others think of me. But, I do care what my kids think. And that is what happened. My daughter accused me of something that doesn't even begin to make sense, and I need to lovingly repair the situation. Even though its complete crap, I need to fix the issue. With only the truth. With only love. I will not stoop to a mud-slinging, name stomping pissing match. That is not proper, nor does any one benefit, from that. All I teach is ignorance, and all kids learn is hatred. Besides karma, has already dealt with the ex. So, no need to get in there.
I can not blame anyone. I was a loser when I was a kid. And it has been eight years since they have last seen me, and I did not leave anyone with a good impression. So, yeah, all they know is the old me, and that is fine. But, maybe try to stop looking at the past for an idea of who I am. Maybe, try talking to me, and asking me a question. But, maybe, just maybe, they are still scared or nervous to be around me. I mean, I did beat down my ex's brother the very first moment I met him. Caused a bar fight, got banned for a month or something. That was a crazy night. Wild party, I thought it was a wicked night. So, hmm, that's weird, that they don't like me! Good, still paying for my mistakes as a kid. That will never change.
This where I was going to write some paragraph about being re-motivated and look out world here comes will. Maybe I will next week, but I can not and will not keep writing about false prophecies. But, I will keep writing about where I honestly am today
So, there it is folks. You now, know what I know.
Thanks for your time
Humbly yours
Mr.Duncan
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