Next Year

    Good day to you indeed. I am very happy with my progress this week. The smoking is getting easier and easier. I am on a path of eliminating the cigarettes outta my life. From a pack a day, I am now down to three a week. The little things helped. Self talk, the "I can do this talks" helped a lot. Folding paper cranes helped keep my hands busy, when sitting idle. I started out real strong this week, and kind of tapered off. But, I still managed to do better than almost all year. I kept the smoking to a minimum. And could this be easier with pills and doctor drugs to quit smoking? Probably, but, I am a firm believer, there isn't any thing the human spirit can not defeat. I think back to drinking. I needed human help, not a drug, to essentially replace one habit with the next. I have heard all the arguments, why I should use different drugs or patches. For example, the patch. So, instead of cutting nicotine out of life, I should subject myself to twenty-four hours of constant nicotine running through my system? Yeah, that's ridiculous. Last time I did the patch, I started smoking more, because now, your body wants more nicotine. I even would wake up, in the middle of the night to want to smoke while I was on the patch, because there is so much in my system. So, that idea is just silly. Someone, gave me the argument about the zyban pill. No thanks. I sleep terrible as it is. I do not want a drug to further destroy that. And hey, lets say something like, "doing it on your will power is going so well for you isn't it will?" And looking at my track record this year, yeah it isn't that great. I remember I got some advice on what some persons husbands friend did. So, ,my response is, you haven't fought or battled with addictions before. they said well no, never. Well, your advice is as useful as teets on a bull. If you haven't gone through it, or have never had an addiction then you do not know the fine details. Like the mental aspect of it. That's far greater than the physical addiction. That is what defeats so many people. Myself included. Just because you heard a story of what someone else has done, does not make you an expert. So, the best reprieve I have is, kung fu and folding cranes. Weird I know. Who knew folding paper could be so calming? Not me, that's for sure.
   Now, I got to talk about this. I have seen a blog or two about next years I Ho Chaun class. The year of the monkey. Well, I just do not know, if it is in the plan for next year. You see, its a combination of so many things right now. Maybe it is the hectic schedule I have been given lately. Maybe its the financial crush I feel every year at this exploitation of consumerism that is Christmas. I could go off on a wicked awesome rant about Christmas time, but, I will save that for another day. The I.H.C. has given me so much. I have seen and experienced so many ah-ha moments that this is a terribly tough decision. So I weighed the pros and cons of it. There is only two cons that I can think of. The seemingly never ending time away from the family and the financial hit, right at this time of the year. That money amount might not be a lot to some, but it is huge to me and my family. And to spend that kind of cash right now, would take away from the family. Me saying, no kids dad wants to continue to do kung fu, so, your x-mas is really going to suck. Like here is an orange with smiley faces painted on it. Cool, don't eat all two at once. you gotta play with this thing for the year. So I looked at the pros of I.H.C. Well, my entire year thus far has been amazing. Meeting new people. Got to know one or two of you other people. Got to see and be apart of some really awesome experiences. But, I am starting to get the guilt from the kids. "When can we hang out dad?" "Well, let me pencil you guys in for........sunday afternoon, after I do my blog and push up and sit ups and some forms. So I guess sunday night for an hour or two." Then I get the "whatever dad" Hmmm, wait a second, for someone who values his family so much, it doesn't seem like I do, not to them anyways. And hold on, the sacrifices that turn into investments. Yes lets go there, shall we.
   The sacrifices we make to be better martial artists, or people, are huge. I realise that. I completely understand the thought, we need to make huge sacrifices to be just a little better. I can not justify all the sacrifices any more. I can not handle the guilt of never being around for them. Work is something I must do at this time. I can not, not work. It is not a sacrifice. It is a necessity at this time. It has to happen. I have turned down some great jobs, so I can keep up with my commitments to the team. Turning down those jobs has hindered the families financial freedom, we normally have, to non-existant. I will soon be at a place where I have to work six possibly seven days a week just to play catch up. And once I make that commitment, then, I simply can not be at the kwoon. The engagement will become tiny, if there at all. I can not say with a clean conscious, yes I will make this commitment to be here as much as I can, and then be there for the team once a month, maybe, if I am lucky. So, my heart tells me, I have had lots of fun playing and building myself, but, the balance is about to kick me square in the groin. I would rather not get kicked in the junk, today or tomorrow. I would like to do the kicking for once. And, honestly, I have to do what is right for the family.
    So lets look at the facts for a moment. I Ho Chaun is moving to Thursday nights. Thursday nights are a no go for this cat. Why? Well, I go to AA meetings on Thursday nights. That's the one hour a week I get to re-connect with people like me. One hour a week to reset my sick mind. Those rooms saved my life, my family and gave me a new life. AA made kung fu available to me. AA gave me a reason to not pull the trigger. AA gave me far more than I realise or ever will. Now, to commit to next years I.H.C. I am going to have to miss a lot more meetings. Now, when sheep year started I completely re-arranged my AA program. I eliminated over half of the meetings I attended. That really hurt. In the beginning of sheep year, I near went back drinking. I started taking things for granted, like sobriety, and that may not seem like a deal to some, like what is the big deal with one. And that's the problem, one drink is too many for me. I know me and this program, very well, when it comes to this topic and unless you have gone through the program or are in a very intimate relationship with someone who is in the program, this may just sound like excuses and you will not understand. But, this is as life and death as it gets, for me and millions like me. They are not excuses, these are the facts of life for me. I am cool with that. Why is that such a big deal that I needed to blog on that. Well, I will put it like this, like I have numerous times before. If I do not have AA (sobriety) in my life, I do not get the glorious gifts like kung fu and family and my daughter coming back in my life. Everything I have achieved will be for nothing. If I loose AA, I loose everything. And so, I need to keep priorities in check and straight. I really do not know if I have another alcoholic recovery in me, again. Nor, do I ever want to find out!
   So there is the big reasons as to why I may not be there next year. I want to, but when I ask my heart, I hear one word, selfish. Now, that's not to say there are not options out there right. I could ask the team to video record the demo during the classes I will not be attending, so like all the classes, and then I could fill in the blanks as I can at home. But, with saying that, I have seen first hand that hoping to throw someone into the mix that hasn't been around for a while, really doesn't work and everyone can see that. That physical training with the team is absolutely needed. I could completely re-arrange my life again for I.H.C. That's probably not going to happen again, at this point in time. But, I think of when sifu spoke to us on what things used to be like. People travelling many, many miles to attend one meeting then to travel back home to train by themselves. That story alone has kept me on the fence of just saying "forget next year." That brief story alone has brought to light this blog and this very uneasy question to answer.
    So, honestly, I just don't know. I have tried to reach out to others like sifu asked us to try, only to fall on deaf ears. That's okay, people are busy. And maybe I did not try hard enough to reach out to others. No worries! But with everything being said, just because I may not join I.H.C. next year, who is to say I still cannot build an escrima form. Or continue to work on my stick form? Or to build my own hand form? Who is to say I cant take the lessons I have learnt from this year and apply them on my own? Sure it is going to be hard on my own, but, at one point or another, we need to get off of sifu's wings and fly on our own. Is that not the point of I Ho Chaun? To learn to grow and fly with out holding someone's hand? Here we learn the lessons and values to be being a true martial artist, but we still need to learn to apply them on our own. It is not like sifu will be around forever for us to hold onto. So maybe this year was about learning to trust myself and next year is going out and completely trusting myself. I can still blog, I can still do the movements, I can still do everything that is asked of I.H.C. I can still get the support of all those who decide to help. Nothing will change except for being part of a team. I have walked the solo road before, and I am okay with that. By yourself come the greatest gifts of all. You find out exactly who you are and what you stand for when faced with situations on your own.
   So there I am folks. Honestly, I do not like bring my program to the for-front like this, but, my life's story is for all the see. Transparency is the key to a successful life. Like in the post I put out there earlier this week. If I lead a transparent and honest life, I will be successful. I will be washed in friends and gifts of life. There might seem like I am missing some of the fine details and maybe I am. I probably am, and maybe some of you can help fill me in on things that I am missing. Constructive criticism is a beautiful thing. I hope my concerns are clear, or..... maybe I am just confused.


So, thanks for your time,
Humbly yours
Mr.Duncan