Thoughts of a recovering mind II

  Hello and good day.  Let's get to it.  So, lately, things have been slowly going south. I have tried to push things away and ignore certain tell tales of a dark descent. The song Deja Vu keep running on broken record mode.  If you haven't heard it, I suggest you listen to it. It might give you a touch more insight on where my mind is.  Oh my mind, such a wonderful thing. But on the other side, it can be so disastrous for a fellow in my world.  Am I that different than most people, nope.  I'm just a sick guy with a sick mind. This disease is much different than others. It isn't like cancer. This disease is cunning, baffling and powerful. When I think I got it licked, it smashes me in the face and drags me through the mud.  When I rest on my laurels, thinking I got this, it morphs and grows, and I don't even know it. This isn't as simple as life throwing curve balls my way.  Listen this is hard to explain, while protecting myself and others like me.  Just read on, it gets easier, maybe!?!
   You see, it started with a nightmare, that started to reoccur, a while ago.  These same nightmares, I had many years ago, when I first delved into hard drugs. Those eyes, I thought, I defeted years ago. I honestly thought I no longer needed to overly concerned of, so I pushed it to the back burner. The nightmares came back, though as only the eyes and the dark breathing just got stronger. Dark red and sadistic. I would wake, in a fury of sweat and tears. Oh, it's just a dream, when I would pretend to sleep for the rest of the night. Too scared to close my eyes again.  The laughter would resonate in my ears and I would plea, please take this from me. Please remove this from my mind. Shaking and teary eyed, it stayed.  Stayed to torment and destroy. What did I do about it? Tried to hide again.  It's amazing I have 164 pages of pure knowledge and solutions and I ignore. The mind I have, likes to forget everything I have gathered in the last almost five years.  How and why? Five years I should have this stuff  mastered, but when, the "old wild Willy" comes back, it's really easy to be blindsided by myself.
   The old emotions and thoughts comes back, wanting to lash out and hurt someone.  Wanting to give someone that reason to take a poke so I can break a face. It would feel so good, but the emotional backlash, is unbearable. Thankfully nobody has taken the bait. Thankfully the guy upstairs gets in the way and stops things before it gets messy.  The fuzziness in the eyes returns and I zone in on pain. Ahhh, it's so bloody frustrating and infuriating.
   Nobody asked for life to deal us these bullshit hands we are dealt. We gotta take these cards and flip them. Now, I could have either sat on my hands and pissed and moaned. But I'd rather, take this situation, in which I'm placed in and get my own.  It's always darkest before the sun breaks through. And yeah I am rolling now.  Slowly to start with but steams a brewing! But even if I told you my whole life's story, and just based on my description from where you see it and where you are sitting, it's probably one hundred and ten percent different. I guess we have to walk a mile in each other's shoes, at least, what size you wear? I wear tens, let's see if mine fit your feet. Step into my shoes, just to see, what it's like to be me and I'll be you just to see what it would be like to feel your pain, you feel mine, go inside each other's minds, just to see what we find looking at stuff through each other's eyes.
   It's not all bad, in fact, it's fantastic. I firmly believe, with what has transpired in the last few days for me, I will come out stronger when I'm done with this battle.  Yes, I have to slow down and revise my pillar and columns. Looking for defects and start tearing apart what I missed. Rebuild for relieve.  Time is what I need and patience is what I ask for.  The physical side of Kung fu is going to have to go to maintaince mode. I'm okay with that. This challenge I'm facing IS life and death, I can not afford any screw ups at this point. I've come to far to loose it all for eight minutes of "freedom." Because that's all I get, when I return to the dark side.  The other twenty three hours and fifty two minutes, I'm chasing the devil, so to speak. Disappearing act you ask? No, hiding isn't worth it, but, I won't be seeing many for a while.  Securing my freedom from my insanity, is going to take time.  And, I'm going to have to look at different avenues for a little while. Signing off? Nope. I'm signing up, drafting myself, to wage a war, with a demon that should have known better than to start screwing around again. I was counting on you to count me out. Sure I got knocked down and kicked pretty dang hard, but I will take it, because, I'm will duncan.  I'm finding my feet and my focus again, and when I stand tall......look out. I'm bringing the fight to you, you s.o.b. I know what my legacy is going to be. I warned you years ago not to firetruck with me ever again. Stand with me or please stand to the sidelines. There's a-bombs going off, haha!

So, I guess that's it's for now.
Thanks for your time.
I will see you soon
Mr.Duncan