Hey guys. Straight to the point. Smoking is going rough. I haven’t had a full 24 hrs yet. The first one in the morning and the last smoke of the day are the two just kicking the tar into me. Haha. See what I did there. Those are the smokes I really really want! As gross as this is I really crave this stick of tar and stuff...mmm yummy! The plan is supposed to be no smokes at all...nailed it...in the wrong spot, upside down oh and a touch of backwards! Just terrible at life some times!
It’s okay. Today’s a good day. My desire to quit is still extremely high and it’s getting harder and harder to light the smokes. It’s just first thing and right before bed! I just twitch and sweat and toss, but if I have even a puff, I go to sleep, with defeat in my thoughts. I’m not overly sure what had happened, but, maybe I wasn’t as committed as I hoped I was!! Full of fear still!?! Honestly, I had these massively high hopes of saying “hey team, I’m smoke free for a week...” I’m close I’m so close!
There were a few days where I was so confused, just straight frustrated. Woke up in weird moods. I kinda just paced around the house. I will not speak, just so negative and mean spirited. In the plan when the urge to smoke hits, I either jump on the bike, play with dog, terrorize my neighborhood or smash some water. Works well, but, I mean, it’s probably the 25 years of experience I have in smoking that keeps slowing me down and finding excuses as to why this is hard!! These nasty little routines that you don’t realize until bam, oh that’s a trigger as well! Huh!? Where did this come from? Okay. Keep an eye on that! I think it was Wednesday, I was so confused and had this massive headache, I just had no idea what was happening! Spins and lightheaded ness and feeling nauseous, I was so angry I felt like crying and screaming in the same sentence. I got on the bike and just kinda sat there? What’s the point? It was extremely stressful. Couldn’t calm down went into a minor panic attack mode, sentences where incoherent, thoughts where sporadic....good gracious it was terrible! Thursday I felt like someone ran me over with a lawnmower...I’ve felt okayish ever since....I think maybe I flawed my plan a bit when I got the operations done and decided to quit in the same week! That ability to not go move and do stuff I feel was maybe not the beat idea! Aaarrrrgggggg as the pirates say!
This week will be better! It’s gonna be okay! This is learning and growing. Pull the pin man! I keep going into panic mode and my heartbeat jumps and my breathing shallows and I just get stuck in thought! Cold sweaty fear filled moments in time, how you stress me! If stress was a person, yes you know what I’m gonna say! Breath man breath!
Anyhow...I wish I had more great news to report and talk about, but, I guess I needed to crap the bed last week. I do not know. I did just celebrate my birthday! That was cool! We went and checked out some live wrestling on Saturday night...boy is that ever different now....50 people max and a very small center! Don’t care I’m out of the house watching live wrestling!! Only way it could be better is if I was in the matches! Honestly I had more fun with the smaller setup. I’d go again! Of course I would it’s live wrestling!! Vampiro, my main wrestler from years past was supposed to be at this event, but, travel restrictions and Covid had changed those plans! In fact the entire show wasn’t established until like a week before and the card still changed! Three matches were dropped last minute! You gotta give it to these small guys doing everything they can to try to survive! Everyone was masked up and respectful of personal space!! We, as a family, had an absolute blast and my youngest boy is a great heckler! Natural talent! Don’t know where he gets it from!! You should have heard him! Talking trash to all the wrestlers! He had every single wrestler interact with him in one way or another and his smile was so big!!! I was so proud of him! We did have a quick chat about keeping the trash talking clean...do it, it’s part of the show, keep it clean though! I’ve honestly been in fan chants “say your sorry” at other fans! Don’t be rude!
Even when you talk trash to wrestlers, they still are just playing a part! Personally, I’m not one to take digs at your body, but your getup? An obvious size difference? That’s fair game! You’re swagger your accent the way you stand it all means something and it’s all fair game! Remember though, the wrestler give back!!
I’ve had a few good word battles with managers and wrestlers alike! You have too! It’s part of the show! One night, we should go! There are weekly shows in Edmonton, put on by small local clubs! Just let me know!
One of the best bdays ever! Front row seating, there where only two rows... Couldn’t really go and meet and greet these people, but, I still got to hang out and chat with some really seasoned veterans I’ve never really heard about! And the one fella was from Calgary! I did feel kinda bad about not knowing him, like at all, but I’m sure he’s fine! There is some wrestling I don’t watch and he was on one of those shows. Can’t watch it all. I damn near do though!! It was a very different experience and I still loved it! Masks and all I don’t care let me just have some fun!!!
Anyhow, I’m going to go back to my withdrawals and ride my bike! Hopefully I don’t feel like crawling outta my skin all day again
Okay bye for now!
Mr.Duncan
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